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A Secure Feeling

20150222_175606[1]It took most of the day, but I did it. All the boxes I wanted, not just needed, but wanted to unpack, have been unpacked. All of the kitchen stuff I want to get at of mine, has been married in with his stuff. I organized his kitchen cupboards and did what he said a girl needs to do…nested.

He hasn’t seen it yet, but I am pretty sure he realized what he would be coming home to since I was looking through his cupboards containing pots, pans, and baking things and he asked what I was looking for. I just smiled and said, “Something to organize.” He smiled.

I went through my room and rearranged things so I was no longer bumping into stuff, and could find things.

You know what I feel like as I begin to let go and reclaim my life?

It’s OK for me to fly again. It’s OK for me to be excited about feeling secure and doing this thing Mr. Yummy and I are doing. To me, it all feels right. It really shook me when he said, “I know you, you dwell on things and you will use it to hurt yourself. I try to be nice to myself. Then he snickered and said, “Most of the time. And you should be nice to yourself too.”

This morning before he left, I thanked him for being selfish and self-centered and not letting me do anything. He smiled at me and said, “A girl has gotta nest.” So, nesting is what I did. I asked Mel, to please understand my need to get back to the now. I think she would. She would feel pretty shitty if I let her death derail the tracks I was trucking on down.

Till we meet again, my love.

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Amazing You

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After all these years, I am almost ashamed that I crammed so many of the wonderful essences that make you, you, into a dark corner of my mind and literally tried to forget them. I think it was because it hurt too much to see what I wasn’t ready for, and walked ran away from.

But I couldn’t have totally forgot, because I knew that I loved you like no other, knew that I never would find what I had with you, with another, and never got over you. I mean NEVER. Not a single day went by that I didn’t think of you. Sometimes I would become wistful, others, hurt, others, angry, but always there was love.

I’ve just come home from you. You are by now on your motorcycle, heading East and I am at home, smelling you and your shower on me in the most delicious way. My heart feels so full, like it’s dripping just for you and me. My eyes are moist and I have this urge to just let it go and escape as the residual effects of you, course through me.

Does any of this make sense? And will I ever tell you of these moments, or let you know of these privately public musings of you? You make my whole body tremble, and I always finish by kissing your third eye. Do you notice this?

Did I have to fall in love with humanity as a whole, in order to able to have this falling in love with you? Even though I never totally fell out of love with you? It could remain unspoken for eternity, and I would still know it. I see how you look at me, and feel how you touch me, in the simplest acts; like bandaging my finger after cracking crab, or how you wash me in the shower. Ever so tender, loving, and attentive.

There is still a small part of me that is scared shitless, because you make me want it all. I don’t mean the dress and the name, but I mean your heart and your soul; forever. Till the day your body, or my body takes the last breath. Even then, I will continue loving you, and I know this. I’m not so much scared that you will never feel the same, it’s more so the absence of the fear of believing that I don’t deserve you or you will find out somehow I am a fraud. I know that I have shown you who I really am. This, feels rather ballsy, for lack of a better word.

I remain so fucking grateful.

Thank-You.

 

Bees

IMG_20130601_105459Today, I gave the manager of my building two packets of bee feed mix. He’s going to plant them and I like that! My mission today…dirt, bee balm, bee feed mix,  pots, and my balcony. I intend on being in the moment as I do this. It’s more prep for that journey I know is coming.

The other thing on my list today, is to go see my mommy and her little dog.

Lessons Learned

Life might be short, but I am glad that we are going slow. For us, anything beyond “Hello” is slow.

The first time we dated, he was taking me home after the first date. He looked at me and said, ” I really want to turn my truck around and take you home with me.” I looked at him and asked, “Well, why aren’t you?” We were together till the day I went to Alaska. I instantly moved in with him. I instantly fell in love with him. I instantly wished I had my child with him. I instantly wanted the brass ring and everything promised in fairy tales.

I have never in my life have loved anyone like I love him. Never in my life, have I ever felt so loved by anyone like I felt from him. Even through all of my insecurities and heartaches back then, he would look at me with such a soft, moist and loving look, it used to scare the shit out of me.

He told me the reason he is scared shitless, is because once we were intimate, we were inseparable. He’s right. He never left my side. He was emotionally confused by all of the manifestations of my life trauma, but he never left my side, and I had never seen that because I felt so emotionally abandoned by him. It is dawning on me how intensely he will love me again and I am glad we haven’t just fallen into bed. We started in 2000, in bed. We reconnected again in 2002 in bed, we were an “affair” in 2005/2006. He was the one with someone else, and I didn’t give a fuck. I wanted what I let go and KNEW was supposed to be “mine”.  I’ve never called us an affair before, but I bet that is exactly how she saw it. I know his daughter saw it that way, she called me at work and told me to “stay the fuck away from her family!” I was devastated because I loved her as much as I could love someone else  who wasn’t my daughter. In my fantasy…she was happy for us.

There is a lot of water under our bridge and for the first time, we have talked about things. I had a lot of shit going on then and was an open wound. Seeing as much, he loved me anyway, and tried to keep his shit that he was going through, to himself. I believe he was protecting me, as well as being private about his own struggles.

I guess only animals come  close to how we slept.

I guess only animals come close to how we slept.

I have always loved him, and will always love him. I am sure, he is the love of my life. We have talked about being together again, wondering if we will be as good? (and knowing instinctively, yes!) The funny thing is, we actually have decided that the first time we sleep together again, we are not going to sex one another. We both have the desire to cuddle, like we used to. We would sleep together like Velcro.  I would throw my leg over his body, he would wrap an arm around my leg and we were one. “Leg-up baby!”

He told me the other night he would listen to our breathing sync up, then sometimes fall out of sync. I would listen to that, and his heart, because my head was always on his chest.

He did answer my soul question. He was referring to the music/lyric I was sharing with him which translates the person I am inside. He still touches me in places no one else has ever reached.

Life just got a little sweeter. I’m scared, because you  need to look before you leap, still waters run deep…but this is worth leaping and trusting the net will appear.

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