Category Archives: Food
I talked to your cousin today. You know the one who is like your foster-brother.
I have wanted to text/call/Facebook him so many times and I just don’t, because of your uncle. I’m sure you know what a sticky situation that is.
Your cousin regrets that you didn’t know that you could be real with him. He then told me, since you trusted me, he would too. He told me the same thing happened to him then he named a few other names.
I love you.
I don’t know if you would approve of this friendship that is forming between your cousin and me. He has tons that he says he wants to say to me, and after all the crazy, and understanding why you kept friends and family separate, he feels safe. I told him about the horrible night. The suction night. The Gown night. How I wanted to kill someone and walking away. How upsetting it is to me, that this is the last time I saw your beautiful almond-shaped eyes. They did smile at me in those last days. I do find peace in that, but it just sucks that the last time we locked eyes, was in that moment of fucking of trauma.
I remember asking you if you could feel me or anyone holding your hand when we were sitting with you. You were still on the life support and unable to nod. You blinked your eyes, slowly. Twice. I asked you if you could squeeze my hand, and you did.
I also remember the night that I whispered in your ear about your daughter. Knowing you needed to say you were sorry to her, helping you to be able to do that and hoping that I gave her some kind of peace and ability to not blame herself for the boat YOU captained. I remember looking at you and hearing you try to push air out and seeing your lips trying to move. I heard an “Uhhhhh” sound. I watched your lips and could see you purse your lips like you were trying to get sound out. I realized you were trying to tell your daughter, “I Love You”. I asked you if you that was what you were trying to say. We were at the second hospice by then. No life support. You were able to nod yes. I wish you knew how beautiful that moment was.
Talking to your cousin today, we were contemplating a drink, which I am sure means a drink and a bowl. I told him I couldn’t see anyone till I clear up my scabies I brought back from Texas. We talked about that and then I said, I wonder what she would say to that. He didn’t miss a beat, other than he called you that name you told me to NEVER FUCKING CALL YOU. He said “She would be laughing her ass off.” I can’t even type your
fake family name.
I am sure, I will always be a little mad at you, but I can’t carry around what I have carried for a while now. I have to forgive it all. Mostly because I love you, but also because I understand, and know that forgiving you is what I will do in the end. I’d rather always love you and not hate you. You have always had the best of me and never judged the worst of me. And my secrets that I told you? Well you never spilled a single bean, judged me for them, and you took them with you. I will do the same with you. Except the one your daughter figured out. That cat is out of the bag, but she and I are the only ones who know. She wasn’t surprised.
Don’t take it the wrong way if I let myself forget some of the really bad that happened in Texas. Every bit of it sucked, but there were moments I thought I was going out of my mind.
Leaving you? Oh my fucking god. Each mile closer to the airport was horrible. I felt like I needed to stay till you were gone, but I had to get back to work. I changed planes somewhere. I don’t remember where. Maybe Utah? I stopped to get something to eat between flights. I was sitting at a table outside this burger place. I was trying to choke down some food and thinking, “Mel is dying and I am sitting here eating. Mel’s not dying. I wouldn’t leave her. The doctors are wrong. She can’t die…” it went on and on and under it all was the knowledge, that you my love, were gone from my life. There was one moment when I thought I was going to start screaming. I don’t know what I was going to scream, I just remember wanting to scream and knowing this could not be fucking happening.
Suddenly there was a man in my face. He smiled and looked at me and asked if I was alright?
I remember looking at him and nodding yes and then my lip quivered. My eyes got hot. I felt my crazy start to spin. He asked, “Did you lose someone?”
I managed to tell him my best friend was laying in a hospice in DFW and I was on my way home.
He talked to me and said words I don’t remember. I remember is calm, warm, smiling face. I remember realizing what he was doing and thanking him. He replied with, “I just gave you a place to get away for a minute.” I again thanked him. He gave me his card. I found him on Facebook a few weeks later, because I know water seeks its own level as does energy.
His name is Michael.
He was like my angel in that moment of insanity.
I miss you so bad and wish we could sit and talk about this. Maybe some day?
I don’t want to be ready to do that, but I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about it and how absolutely easy it would be to just give up this time.
He doesn’t deserve that from me. He would hate me. Because I would just go pick one up, and use it. I love you, but I don’t hate myself enough to do that anymore. I know, one day I will feel you again, and that will be an awesome, awesome fucking day.
Lots has been going on the last few weeks. It has been sort of difficult for me because although it’s not my drama, life has been full of it lately. Much of it I am obligated to not talk about right now. We are waiting on some things to happen before I can un-mums.
I went to my friend Michael’s Seafood Festival. I took Mr. Yummy and I had a good time. I drank a lot (for me) and ate a lot of seafood. For me that is rare also, because I am sort of grossed out at what we as humans, have done to the sea. ::green face::
I stayed an extra night at Mr. Yummy’s house after the Seafood Fest. I used to wonder if I was remembering him (us) wrong. I was telling myself it was all just a fluke, that all these years later, he couldn’t play me like his own instrument.
Yeah, not so much. He’s not just a fluke, and I wasn’t remembering incorrectly. He just does for me, that thing that no one else could ever do. I figured a lot of my old hangups out on my own, and I shared a few of them with Mr. Yummy. I think I had to in order to leave them behind. He just said, ” Oh the mind of a woman…”. And oh how true that is. I let my own thoughts, brain, wiring, get in my own way for so many years. I am happy to have moved away from that sort of thinking and reacting I used to do.
Hopefully, I’ll be able to write about the latest drama soon. I need it to be over and to move beyond it. It sucks watching other people cycle with it though. For them, it is inevitable.
Happy weekend. Pass on the love.
I have been “on the outs” with everyone in my family, except my mom the last few years.
All of us have our individual and group issues and I think we all had our own work to do, but the separation has not been easy on me.
I have, for lack of a better word, felt banished. Yet, with my younger sister, I kept trying.
Within the last six months, things have started coming together and I feel lucky to have her back in my life. There is a sense of belonging and unity, but also deep love.
I am not able to put what I am feeling into words. Two words come to mind:
Humbled and loved.
Last night was the first time my younger sister and I have ever gone out for a night out together. She took me to The Showbox to see Adam Ant. I was nervous about going. Part of me wanted to bail, but she had done this as an early birthday present, and because music has always been a bond in my family. I felt the need to walk my talk.
Adam, still rocks a pirate outfit, as well as his stage, and looks related to Mr. Depp. The show was incredibly awesome, in the sold out venue. I had done some reading on his life today before the show and was really looking forward to seeing him. I was a huge lover of Kings of The Wild Frontier, and it’s been years since I used to hang out at The Showbox. I chose carefully, the memories I allowed to flow into my head from the past. Some people don’t deserve rent in my head. That’s healthy for me, if I don’t want to nurture old emotions, but focus on healthy and new ones.
Afterward, we went to Pike’s Pub and had tea (she) and water (me) while waiting for our ride. We went up onto 1st Ave and I grabbed a smoke and who should go by on a Pedi-Cab but Guy Fieri from Food Network’s Triple D (Diners, Drive-ins and, Dives) I wasn’t sure it was him till I caught this view:
As his Pedi-Cab went down the sidewalk I yelled, “Bye Guy” and he waved. It was funny.
I do love my family, even those still not willing to participate in being family.
I just completed my first paid, official catering job. It was an amazing success! Three people asked me for my card. Ooops, I don’t have one!
A very good friend’s father died. Normally, when there is a party at her house, she is at the helm and is a very competent and amazing entertainer. This time, for the wake, she needed to be with family and couldn’t take the time to run a show. She knows Ginger is a personal chef as well with a history of catering and teaching so she asked if we wanted to cater her dad’s wake.
I love this woman SO much that I was honored to have been asked. I dragged Ginger over for a meeting and a deal was arranged. My friend’s father really liked Mexican food so we did an AMAZING spread of Chili Verde, Chicken Chili Colorado, a Chili Relleno Casserole, Rice , Frijoles, salsas, chips and Queso dips. For the sweets after the main meal We made Mexican Brownies, Regular Brownies, Blondes with Dulce Leche baked in them and grilled pineapple. If you have never grilled pineapple, DO IT! Let it get nice and caramelized and eat it hot. I love sprinkling cayenne on it, though tonight, just grilled it natural.
Halfway through the night, I noticed an e-mail from the guy who recently broke me heart. It angered me and I just let it go till I was driving home. Then I felt the emotion.
It really sucks to feel angry when I don’t want to engage in it. I feel guilty for wanting to say that he’s a coward, and how shocked I am about that. I didn’t think he of all people would let the fear kick his ass. I recognize it because I lived it for so long. I instantly feel guilt for feeling animosity because I feel hurt and shit upon.
I understand depression, fear, and all the crap that goes with it. I KNOW he didn’t mean to hurt me, abandon us, throw me away like I am disposable, or even to cause me an iota of pain. I KNOW this, but he did, or I TOOK it that way. Universe, told me no. I’m grateful I found out before one of us moved across country.
He told me once, he never wanted to do to me what anyone one else had ever done to me. He didn’t want to be one more person who hurt me. I regret I can’t say he didn’t.
Somewhere inside me, I understand that to get over it, I just have to fucking let it go. Just…stop holding it and walk away from the shit.
I had a really good day, even the small bump with Mr. No Name ( I don’t know what to “blog name” him) can’t take away the content I feel in my heart over today and what I was able to provide my friend.
I’m wound up, spent and fucking blessed!