Monthly Archives: June 2015

Love

78316_181651665182447_2563949_o 20150106_084337 77623_181651165182497_6669244_o 77106_175137129169903_2818604_nWith your loves.

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I Lived to See…

Dear Mel,

I never thought I would live to see certain things.

I never thought I would live to see a black president. We both saw that.

I never thought I would see marijuana legal. We both lived to see it legal in MY state, it has yet to go nationwide, but we saw the start, together.

I never thought I would live to see the day when gay and lesbian couples could marry. I lived to see it. You did not. And you didn’t live to see us finish the fight for transgender folks. You knew that for me, the fight wouldn’t be over with just partial equality, right? I have a partner in that fight. You know her, in fact you molded her and her sense of fairness is a direct reflection of you. How I love you both.

I miss you, but I am starting to smile and laugh more and more my love. I DID talk to you this morning about something. I said it out loud out on the porch, because I can’t say it here. I hope you heard me, in the vast state of everything you are now. I think of how, if your energy returned to our source, that now instead of being petite and tiny, you are huge and massive now. You’re part of everything, from the tiniest particle to the largest part of Universe. So I assume you heard me in one way or another, and you will do what you can.

Mr. Yummy came home last night and he’s gone again today. He literally came home in time to go to bed, but somehow, we managed to have fun regardless. He’s gone back to The Island today to continue working on the food truck he went to Texas to get right after you died, for his daughters business. She gave a guy 30 grand to do the electrical. Guess who is out fixing his work now?

I’m getting used to the fact that he’s gone a lot in the summer and I’ll get most of my best snuggles come the fall and winter. I also am feeling more comfortable with the whole touching thing again. It was the night before he took off to start work on the daughter’s truck, only I didn’t know he was leaving the next day. I was laying there having anxiety wanting to reach out and just hold his hand as I fell asleep and having total anxiety over it, so I told him as much. He sighed and told me I worry too much. Then he reached out and grabbed my hand. I would have been happy just holding hands, but when his hands wandered, all bets were off. We are so good there. Always have been. I just hope we catch up to being as good in other areas. Surprisingly, I’m doing well with my own insecurities and facing them down.

Still I miss you. Friday after the SCOTUS handed down their decision I was at work thinking, “I can’t believe you didn’t live to see this…or menopause, but mainly THIS. I started to get weepy. Carrie, the production manager came in and said the company wants to take a #LoveWins photo for instagram. It made me cry when she told me just because of the timing of wishing I could share the Historical moment with you. I explained, she gave me a hug and if you look close in the picture, you can see the tissue still in my hand. I am SO proud to work for the company I work for. I give you…my work tribe.11140066_860172957369757_2033977047312174659_n(1)

If a government is able to show more compassion than your church, maybe you should join another church

Welcome back to the blogging world!

Margaret and Helen

Margaret, the news has just been fast and furious this week.  One fugitive dead and one still on the run.  ISIS attacks in France, Kuwait and Tunisia.  Donald Trump becoming the new leader of  the Tea Party.   I wonder what flag that Confederacy of Dunces will fly now that the Stars and Bars is being removed?  Oh and something about a trade bill being passed and God hating America.   That last one seems to be getting the most play over on Fox News.  Never in my life did I think I would live long enough to see the gays persecuting the Christians instead of the other way around.   That was actually a Fox Exclusive!

I read somewhere that Glen Beck has 10,000 to 20,000  pastors ready to die before gay marriage would become legal.   Funny.  I haven’t seen any obituaries printed.  Religious conviction has its limits I guess…

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Strange Happenings

So, I did something I am sort of shocked at, but don’t regret. I invited Jack, as in ass (I’m using that because you know who I am talking about, not to insult him) to your memorial. Your uncle sent the invites so he can’t reply to me. He will either show up, or not and I won’t know till the day of your memorial. I didn’t tell your uncle to include The Girl, or not. I didn’t even address it. My only real thought was him, and the fact that you, your ex, my ex, and you, were all good friends for a while and I just feel he should know.

If he comes, I will say the things I have wanted to say since 2011. If he doesn’t come, those things won’t change, I will just have to live with knowing he doesn’t know.

Miss you.

6 months / what I wanted to tell Flo today (9/6/15):

I read this and was crying, because…I don’t know why. Maybe because I realized she lost Flo the day after I lost Mel? Maybe because I know her pain? Maybe because sometimes it still overwhelms me. Either way, I watched the video and am choosing. to take it as some good advice. For today, and today alone, because I am taking it day at a time, I choose to shake it off.

letters to Flo

6 months ago, I assumedthe rest of my life would be horrible, but I couldn’t imagineanything more specific than that. I literally couldn’t imagine a future without you. you used to say, “we livedthrough our senior school, we can make it through anything.” it wasn’t true. you died from one of the few completelycurable cancers. there were times I honestly thought I’d die from grief, but I didn’t. and I’ve been doing this life that I couldn’t imagine for 6 months now.

I’m proud of myself, but it’s pride in you that got me here. the memories of your inspiring bravery, your kind generosity, your complete lack of self-pity, your goofy, excitable, compassionate, uninhibited, totally genuine nature. I stayed okay (if we’re calling baseline human function okay, and I think we ought to when we’re talking about somebody who’s lost somebody) because I love you so much, andI’m so proud…

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