Author Archives: iwentcrazy
Your Granddaughter arrived.
She’s perfect. Her name is Jensyn Melissa… I was there. I was present and in the past at the same time.
Her birth, like yours kids…was difficult. You would have been proud of her mama and you would have been a very strong source of support. I tried to make sure her voice and wishes, were heard and I think I did what I was supposed to do. The other day, Mama text me about life after baby with your son. She called me Auntie. First time for that so I hope I did right by her.
When Jake introduced me to Jensyn, after her arrival by c-section, he said, “This is the woman you get to call Grandma. My heart did so many things, both good and bad wherever you are, I hope you felt it because I can’t explain the range.
It’s been almost three weeks since I started this post. Before Jensyn was born, I started feeling like I had three plus years of grief seeping out of me into my hair. It was down to my waist. You know the issues with hair that long. It was heavy, full of sadness and weighing me down. Sleeping was a pain, braiding it every morning was a pain, so today I did it. I cut the last three years of mourning off. I am happy with it, but I came home and cried. I cried because I miss you. I cried because I never have had a reason to mourn like I have. I cried because it won’t bring you back. I cried because I’m terrified of losing your kids. I cried because I am admitting how depressed I have become since you died. I smile, but my eyes betray me. I cried because nobody will ever know the me, with you in my life. I cried because I am so different and I cried because I’ll probably never be done crying over losing you, your kids and grandchildren will never have the moments with you that you all should be having. I cried, because I will never live up to you. I cried, because I needed to.
Mik gets here in 7 days. She’s 21. I’ll buy her a drink for you. I’m taking her to a dispensary for her Crohn’s. I’m making them enchiladas. We are all staying at DJ’s place. It’s big enough for all of us. He’s so grown up. Still in school and doing well. He’s in management at his job now. He has a girlfriend. If they were to have babies, you’d have a little mocha grand baby. She’s OLDER, and a mom. I haven’t met her yet, but maybe while Mik is here.
Mik is bringing her boyfriend. His name is the same as your last child’s name. No one has seen him since he left Texas with his dad. I called David about it, but they don’t really talk. He relays word to his sister who says dad says she can call anytime. But you know how available he makes himself. David told me what T has been through…it makes me sad that he was taken away into the loving born again faux Xtian arms and world he lives in now.
I miss you.
Sometimes, I want to be vulnerable enough to say I miss her.
All I can do is hope her life is going well and she has done some healing. Some things you never get over, but I am learning with time, we can become semi functional.
Hell I’ve been semi functional for years.
I want more though.
You took the desire to write with you.
I mean, initially I was writing my way through grief. It’s the only real coping skill I had at a time the world couldn’t handle my grief. They think it was hard for them to be around? They should have walked in my shoes for a bit.
To be clear, it’s been no mother fucking picnick.
This last weekend I woke up early on Saturday. I cried for over two hours about you being DEAD. I cried all through out the day and then again Sunday morning.
I “can’t” watch grief themed shows, but it’s what I am drawn to, because there is truth ingrained in “art” and performance. There’s a solace in having a brief, “Someone gets it!” moment, because no one really gets it except your kids. They should be coming TO ME, not me to THEM, so I try not to let them see the worst of it for me. I think we are all protecting one another from our grief. Mik lets me see the most and she is like you. Self preserving.
Saturday morning I went to work for my friend Dan, helping him clean bachelor-cobwebs and he asked me if I wanted Mel’s old antique espresso pot? He feels like it’s time for him to let go of some of her things. I asked him how far out he is from the death of his Mel?
I told him how odd it was that… “Here I am 3 years and 19 days out (as of last Saturday) from your death and I woke at 1:30 and cried for two hours. Full of sadness and anger. I still feel shocked, because I was supposed to die first!” He just got quiet and said that the third year was harder than the second. 3 years and 21 days passed your death, I believe him.
Mik is missing TXR So badly. She makes Facebook posts to him periodically. This morning I realized he lost two mamas when you died, because we both know how hands on Mik was with her baby brother. My hope is when he’s an adult and finds her and the boys, he will find a huge missing part of you.
I’ve text D to ask when his brother plans on letting your children see their brother. I can’t stand Mik’s tears, but we both know baby daddy hates me and will never deal with me…being he’s so Christian and forgiving of things I have never done to him.
I miss you.
You would be becoming a grandma again. #2’s g/f is pregnant. LOTS going on.
I hope I do this next phase, right by you, because there are some unresolved issues your son is facing as he is becoming a father with Miss R.
I will never be you, but I will love your kids like I am the only “you” they have. Surprise! It’s Auntie and I am here to step up to the plate.
Love you through SicknSin or should I now say SicknSin&Death?
I do not celebrate the independence of the people who took my ancestors independence. AND, are now giving it away to a fucking cheeto.
When discussing the treatment of Indigenous People in the “Americas”, it is glaringly obvious that the U.S. government along with a large percentage of the population have a collective amnesia when it comes to the REAL history. We see political candidates speaking about race and only discussing black, white or Hispanic issues as if the Indigenous don’t exist. We see discussions of “reparations” for blacks due to slavery but any suggestion that the Indigenous are entitled to the same is met with silence.
The fact of the matter is that going all the way back to 1493 the illegal “Doctrine of Discovery” was used to commit mass genocide not only in the Americas but elsewhere in the world as well. In this post I am going to share information that shows the U.S. government still has a program in place to not only deny Natives basic human rights…
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