Monthly Archives: September 2015

Walking After You

Only you could hear this, and understand my true meaning and how this relates to our friendship, my loss, coming to after the wreckage of the stroke.

Mr. Y and I had a talk a while ago. It wasn’t pretty. I don’t know if he meant to use his words to hurt me, but he did. The worst part, was him saying I was made the CHOICE to go to you in Texas, put myself in debt, etc. and that it was different from the choices he would have made. I mean I felt bad about the fact that I ran to you. I felt like it was wrong, but on the same hand, only I know I have been silently wishing I hadn’t gone, and given myself those last memories of you. No the worst part was him spitting at me that I have made him feel like a storage unit, a toaster and that he has given me everything and I want more.

I realize though, that I knew you were dying. As soon as D said the words, “My mom had a stroke and is in surgery now having a clot removed from her brain”. I knew.

And yet I don’t regret you dying and knowing, I was there for you and loved you and I had your back. It’s just that now, I hear the line, “If you walk out on me, I’m walking after you…I’m on your back” I lived this and it didn’t have a happy ending.

You can’t be everything. If you were, then I made a mistake of not eating a bullet and living another day to say I am alive. You just can’t be everything. My life was happening without you being here. You left a long time ago to Texas and I thought I would die then, but I learned to adjust. I learned to live again. I learned to be happy again. Granted I was on the phone with you damn near every day, I had learned to live without you in many ways. I began taking chances, I reached out for happiness and pretty much had it till the day you had a merry strokemas.

As much as I love you, I remain SO disappointed in you. You were too smart to be that stupid. So selfish. You left your fucking kids. You put something really other than them in first place. At first it was a person. Then it became the self medication. I have moments where I am still really fucking pissed off at you. It leaves me sitting here thinking, “Fuck you and your anguish. Thanks for destroying so many other lives (mine) on your fucking way out you bitch.”

I miss you and love you.

And always fucking will.

Slow Realizations

I remember saying to your kids,  the day/night before the memorial…”You know, I know your mom never really was a Foo Fighter fan, but there’s this one song…I hear it and it drops me to my knees.” #1 replies that there is a song for him as well. We both said, “My Hero”.

This morning, I realized I am doing with the Foo Fighters, what I have done after every other life altering event. I listened to 1GiantLeap for two or three years, almost exclusively. Same with Eminem:Recovery, after The Boy.

Apparently, for you my Dear non loving Grunge Head…It’s not about you, it’s about me, so you get the Foo Fighters. I hear each song I have known for years in a new way that relates to you.

This is the crime against your life…I know.

I know, you gave your best to one person and you were used up till, well, the next one came along.

I know that sadly, someone will grow up not knowing that: Someone got the best of you.

I know.

I also know what song I will dedicate to you if I reach the end of my long living road of grief.

Love you.

Silence

It’s not always bad when I go quiet. Sometimes, I am off having the time of my life.

That is not the case as of late. It’s been a pretty bad couple of months. After the memorial, I just went dark and deep. I have been, and remain very depressed and slightly suicidal. Being slightly suicidal is like being a little pregnant.

I’ve had some pretty dark moments. I now know what cold metal tastes like. I couldn’t do that to Mr. Y. He would hate me forever if he walked into his house and found me like that.

I know. I’m pretty fucked up.

I wonder where did I go? That woman who was so tied to the Universe and creation? Where is she and how do I connect with her again?

I want to talk to my emotional twin. I miss her. I miss feeling her. I miss laughing with her. I miss looking beyond our differences.

This is all for now.

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