Monthly Archives: December 2014
I love her so much.
I got a call yesterday at 1:07 PM, from her oldest child.
“My mom is in the hospital, she had a stroke. They have her in removing a clot from her brain now.”
Those are the worst words I have heard in a very, very long time.
She actually has had three strokes. Between Christmas eve at 1:30 AM when she went to bed, not feeling well with a migraine, and 5:30 AM when her daughter checked on her, and it became apparent something was wrong. (I don’t want to get into that part)
They are keeping her sedated till tomorrow, then they will start weaning her off sedation. This is when they will know if any damage was done.
I’m leaving tomorrow night. Her son, who lives here is meeting me at the airport and we are flying down together. I’ll most likely be offline for a while.
I hope everything is OK. I’m just selfishly, not ready for this.
I have to say, I AM NOT READY FOR THIS!
YOU CAN NOT HAVE HER BACK YET!
Twenty boxes so far. Not sure what to bust out and what to re-pack.
I was standing in the spare room amidst my piles, looking at towels, yet realizing I was unpacking more than just “stuff”. I am unpacking lots and lots of raw emotion. I understand what my sister has gone through, but I know that I will never get the same thing from her. I looked at the calendar yesterday as I was doing some last-minute cleaning and just felt overwhelmed with sadness to realize she ran away and abandoned our agreement, back in June after a trip to Mexico. She came back from that and went East for the first time, and really…hasn’t been back since.
I felt abandoned, because I was.
Of course, I am a big girl, but it hurt that my sister of all people, withdrew on her word.
As I am standing there, looking at towels, wondering what Mr. Yum and I are doing, and feeling like I just need to cry because I am overwhelmed with displacement and insecurity, Mr. Yum pointed to a linen closet and said “Things like that can go in here, though it might need some re-organizing.” Just like that, I smiled and felt calmer. Then he said he needed help wrapping a few presents so he wasn’t late to a family thing.
I was grateful to have a moment to separate me from my emotion. Watching him was happy for my soul. There is something about his face and eyes, that just fills me with happy. I love his warm and toasty body late at night, and the way our legs and feet tangle and touch. My favorite thing is probably when I turn away from the snuggle, and the times he follows and spoons me next to him.
So yeah, I’ll deal with this again and hope neither of us regret this.
I want to choose the word carefully, because there is a big difference between them.
I just realized today is the 18th. That means it is my 3rd trip around the sun, since I went crazy. Anyway…
I don’t necessarily feel empty, but I do feel drained. This situation has been going on since I moved in with my sister and the way it played out wasn’t pleasant. I just need it to be over, need to have a little distance, and need to get a good breather in so she and I can talk again.
I can’t say that the guy who hacked her, wouldn’t have done it, even if she didn’t draw things out, or even if she had been more honest with him. We will never know this, but I do know, it wasn’t long after I moved in, that I started getting weird vibes from him.
I don’t know her new guy, the fiance. He lives East of the mountains here. I understand when the bitter ex went whack-o on her, that it scared her. I wish she wouldn’t have so easily run off, leaving me know nothing really for so many months. I’m sad about stuff, and believe she and I will work it out, but I am just drained and really trying to come to terms with being here at Mr. Yummy’s house. I’m breathing though.
I have so many things to do still before Sunday, yet I awoke with an icepick jamming into my left eye. I took my very last migraine pill which I have been hoarding forever and stayed at Mr. Yummy’s. I saved this pill specifically to use on my last migraine ever. Guess this was it. I don’t have body aches, so I am pretty sure it is not the flu, but I have been feeling run down lately. I just keep hoping once I make the move final and have everything out, I can take the days that I will not be working due to the holidays and rest. I will worry about what to unpack and where to cram things later.
Maybe I will even stop worrying that one day Mr. Yummy will look at me and ask, “Jeebus, what have I done?”
In a way I am scared shitless because I got exactly what I asked for. I DID ask the Universe to bring him back to my life. I love him in a way I have never loved anyone and I feel this need to protect him, from me. Does that make sense?
Here I have moved in, but I don’t know what we are doing. I asked him if I had a time line I had to be out by, he didn’t answer. I don’t want to unpack every single box I have, set up like a happy little couple and pretend we are going for it if I have to pack up and leave here, and him. I don’t want to offend him and take his offer of help, as something he might not be looking for. Do you see how the neurotic takes over and starts to “what if” me?
I know my favorite time of the day is bed time, when I get to spoon up next to him and breathe him in as I fall asleep. My least favorite time of day is 4AM, when I get up and have to crawl out of his bed and start my day, and yet I love my job, where I go, what I do.
In time, I will have to meet the fiance, but I won’t be talking about the things that have rocked my world the last seven months. These things are my sister’s choice and well…I don’t need my words on a blog being used against me again by anyone in my family…so I just hope that time and distance from all the drama will help this feeling go away.
I am grateful I reacted to my life’s traumas three years ago, by going crazy. I am hopeful that everything I went through so intensely during that spiritual awakening, is helping me make the right choices as I navigate, instead of impulsively reacting to things. I know I have handled everything this last year in a way I have never been able to do, and mostly, it was without great effort. I DO NOT want to go back to that person again. I will not step back into being that person who allowed fear to control my life.
So, here I go. Lets see how long it takes me to do this other I want to do.
Two posts ago, I told you to come back and I would tell you what I lost when I figured out who I am.
Ironic that I am now going to tell you, after writing about the break in.
On December 18, 2011 I found out who I am.
I am love.
What did I lose?
It’s a really beautiful, almost scary thing to be flooded like I was with love, for everything and everyone I saw…including myself.