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Doorways

Puerta-de-entrada-al-pasado-Entrance-door-to-the-past-Flickr-NeoGaboXdoor-to-the-futureI have spent the last several weeks walking through two different doorways.

One doorway is the doorway to my future. I know what my future is to an extent. I’ve mapped out the path I need to be on, and have manifested that, which I want. There are many specifics I don’t know at the moment, but I know the intent and the vibe I have to live with.

The other doorway, had led me right back to my past and the different paths I have been on.

The last two weeks have been particularly hard. I still had an ex I needed to make amends with. She was the first person I was with after leaving an eight year marriage with my ex-husband and father of my daughter. I was very, very damaged after that marriage and needed help that I didn’t get.

She and I almost destroyed each other. I was under the delusion that being with a woman would be a blissful fairytale. She was a heavy drinker with a lot of depression issues. I was her first girlfriend after coming out. We met at a women’s bar I was working at. Although the physical part of us was good, it wasn’t enough for the many obstacles that presented themselves to us and we had a very acrimonious split, all the while, I was trying to divorce my husband.

Somehow I wound up with HER ex husband. Like I said, it was ugly.

It was a few years after this that I met HIM, the one I’ve been writing of and missing. He is the one that busted through all of the shit and left me feeling loved like I’d never been loved before.

After talking to him the last three and a half months, I realize it was because no one had, or has ever loved me like he did. I would love to see if we could tap into that again.  I do not believe we would go back, but that we would move forward.

I don’t know if the Universe is going to set us together again, or if there is someone else going to come along and bring out that passion and that feeling that I so fleetingly had mutually with him, but I know the direction is forward, not backward.

She: started talking to me like I’ve talked to him the last three and a half months. The flow, ease, and comfort that has been there with him, is NOT there with her. And yet there was a time I never saw myself with anyone but her. I couldn’t imagine letting a man touch me again, and yet I did.

In order to go forward, I HAVE to put the last of my past to rest. I NEEDED to talk to her and tell her how sorry I am that I was such a damaged person when I met her. She was just as damaged, and both of us have gone on to damage ourselves in other ways over the years. Some of her life after me, brought tears to my eyes and I wanted to just hold her and comfort her. I feel a huge tenderness and love for her, but I am not in love with her any longer, nor am I in love with the idea of her, like I am with him.

I told her of him. She said his name and said it sounded weird to hear me talk of a man and say I am in love with him. It was weird to talk to her of him and admit the depth of my love for him to her, my once lover and girlfriend. It was painful and honest for us both.

She called me the next day and said she knew what was bothering her about all of the talking we had done. I asked if she wanted to share, she responded with the fact that all these years, she thought she was innocent and pure. Talking with me she owned the things she did that pushed me away, that shut me out, that took her always to “the bar” and alcohol. What was now bothering her was realizing that at one time she didn’t hate me. What bothered her was that she was just now; almost two decades later, was feeling what she should have felt when we broke up. There was sadness for both of us.

I do not know what lies ahead for me other than love, because that is all I will accept. Will it be with him at some point? I certainly fucking hope so. If it is not him, then there is someone out there that is going to come along and love me as passionately and completely as I felt with him.

I am grateful for the opportunity to have made peace with her and my past. Without doing this, I can not move forward in a new way. I want though, for her to find something more important than a great lover who makes her happy. I wish for her, that inner peace that I discovered, that allowed me to cut the ties that bind and kept me down and cycling in a negative world of shit. She is still there and it makes me sad.

I have loved a man. I have loved a woman. I do not accept labels. I do not call myself straight, lesbian, bisexual or anything other than human. As a human I have been sexual. The love I felt for her, was no less real than the love I have felt and feel for him, but the love I have for him is sacred, and that is what I will accept nothing less than when I step through that future door, that ultimately is the here and now.

Serious Yum (bonding with Ginger)

IMG_20130407_185132Start with fine grain, imported Semolina flour.

IMG_20130407_185138On the virgin bamboo pizza paddle.

IMG_20130407_185606Shape and stretch dough, then because it is the first pizza, made with Ginger, on my stone, with a virginal paddle, in her oven; which I am still learning…we dress the dough and get it in, without taking pictures. She worked the first dough and paddles it in. I removed it.

IMG_20130407_190932Pepperoni, ham, artichoke hearts, onion, mushrooms, and of course, cheese.

IMG_20130407_193346Our second one was dandelion pesto, yukon potatoes, artichoke hearts, mushrooms, sausage, jalapeno and, cheese.

IMG_20130407_194520We stopped and ate some then made the last one, which was the absolute best.

IMG_20130407_201117pepperoni, ham, artichoke hearts, black olives on half, mushrooms, salami, crushed red pepper, jalapeno, feta cheese and cheese. We added fresh tomatoes after it cooked. It was delicious. It was the first time we cooked together and it was very intuitive for each of us.

We totally bonded.

The Bliss Junkie and I got all my stuff out of storage, anything still there, I need to get donated by the 15th.

Today was a very, very, very nice day and I am happy. Not just content, but happy.

Yours in absolute gratitude and love,

iwc

IMG_20130407_194526

Early Morning Coffee (ginger and landmark)

I have enjoyed waking early and making my coffee, chilling in my space and just BEing how I want to be.

My room-mate is working at BEing as well. I don’t believe she knows about TOPPT, but she knows the importance of her own personal value, which I find incredibly comforting because it seems to me, when a person recognizes their own value, in a non psychotic way, they have an easier time recognizing someone else’s (mine) value.

I need a good moniker for my room-mate so let it be known that when I speak of The Room-mate, I am speaking of a late fortysomething, female, well-traveled, well spoken, corporate ditching, inward looking, outward affecting, creative, blogging self-employed cook.

We are doing a slow getting to know you dance and so far, I am very happy I did not let my fear paralyze me, because initially I did. Initially I told her no, I had rented another place because she hadn’t gotten back to me on the time-line she picked. I am glad I didn’t let my fear win. Now if you want a good laugh, I will tell you the two things that scared me initially about The Roommate. Ginger and Landmark.

And you thought I meant ginger-root? First I will say I have known a lot of read-heads in my life. I’ve gotten along with plenty of them. They are as varied as the rest of us. To say that ALL red-heads are psychotic nut jobs would be TOTALLY incorrect. However to say Gingers are some passionate mother-fuckers would not be!

To say Landmark is a BAD thing, would probably also be wrong. However, my father’s second and third wife and now his main squeeze (because I don’t think even he could stomach having a fifth wife, even if three of them were the same woman) was REALLY into Werner Erhard and est. I remember her telling me of a re-birthing story where Werner was punching her in the stomach and calling her names, screaming so hard at her, he spat upon her. He yelled and punched her in the stomach and she was weeping through the trauma of birth. Even at 17, I thought this sounded abusive, not positive or loving. My understanding is est and Erhard morphed into Landmark, which is kinder and gentler.

So, Ginger and I seem to be doing well. She’s a much more serious cook than I am, but I plan on learning from her, and i imagine, she will learn some stuff from me. We are roughly the same age, we both love cooking, we both blog, we are both trying to BE our own people without such a total reliance on the system of our value enriching others. Our value should enrich us. I believe some things happen for a reason. I believe SOME PEOPLE come into your life for a reason. I have found it is best to swim with the flow while remaining aware. Swimming against the flow unaware, or aware and thinking you can make it easier isn’t productive.

BTW, PD…did you redo that resume yet?

Update:

I had an anonymous comment that became a dialog. His (?) issue was with what I was saying. He took as gossip and was offended by what I wrote. He felt I was spreading vicious gossip even though I had mentioned the story was told to me years ago (as in decades ago) by a then family member. I never stated I did not witness the alleged assault and I believe he felt my comment about Landmark being a kinder and gentler that est, was insufficient.

I see anonymous’ point and I am not out to offend anyone. I was simply relating how I took a fear of my own and dealt with it instead of letting the fear rule my life. I am adding this because I was very pleased with the dialog we had. We both had different points and perspective, but we were able to have a conversation that was courteous, civil, and most important;productive. I wanted to honor the energy exchange we had and so I am saying again. I did not witness the story that was told to me and the reader should keep that in mind. Please see it as I meant it, A Story and not a first hand eye-witness account.

PS I am even more happy I moved in with Ginger as we seem to be on the same wavelength and both are very comfortable with the other.

Changes

Last night my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone.

The phone.

The phone.

The ever-loving, mother-fluffing phone.

Lately, I’ve been so sad and feeling so stuck. It’s maddening to have found him again, and to be so far away from him.

He on the other hand has been quietly dealing with his own frustrations. I understand he is used to “going it alone” so he keeps a lot to himself. He does it so well, I have actually been freaking out (fairly quietly for me) and thinking, “He has changed his mind about me.”

He called me last night. He was not drunk, but he wasn’t sober. I could hear it in his voice and I thought, “Ut ohhhhh, here we go.” I was right. We had a long two and a half hour talk and I shed some tears, but I think we came to our decision, together. I’m not going to pack up and leave here. He’s going to come here.

He caught me so off guard. I was sitting there feeling totally insecure about us and his silence, when he called. I expected one conversation, and got a totally different one. It was one which left me totally…Gobsmacked. Suddenly I am listening to him read me like a fucking book and saying,”Why do you have to come here, why can’t I come there?” Ya’ll can laugh (or is that y’all?), but the more I started thinking about going there…the more that damn New Madrid Fault is really fucking with me. Especially as I watch some of the things the news really is not reporting; like giant sinkholes popping up.

I personally think that the Earth is going through massive changes. I think shit that has happened before, is going to happen again. I also think the Earth is expanding.

As above, so below. As the universe expands…so do we… we being Earth. If you follow the things TPTB don’t see fit to disclose, it sort of makes Clif High’s recent shape reports make sense. (Do your own research there, I’m not spelling out my crazy for people anymore)

That’s it for now. I’ll start getting more into writing as life resettles down, but for now my plans have changed, so my direct course of action has changed as well and I am now off to see what sort of, “Let’s stay here” magic I can make happen.

PS. Spell check accepts, y’all, not ya’ll.

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