6 months / what I wanted to tell Flo today (9/6/15):

I read this and was crying, because…I don’t know why. Maybe because I realized she lost Flo the day after I lost Mel? Maybe because I know her pain? Maybe because sometimes it still overwhelms me. Either way, I watched the video and am choosing. to take it as some good advice. For today, and today alone, because I am taking it day at a time, I choose to shake it off.

letters to Flo

6 months ago, I assumedthe rest of my life would be horrible, but I couldn’t imagineanything more specific than that. I literally couldn’t imagine a future without you. you used to say, “we livedthrough our senior school, we can make it through anything.” it wasn’t true. you died from one of the few completelycurable cancers. there were times I honestly thought I’d die from grief, but I didn’t. and I’ve been doing this life that I couldn’t imagine for 6 months now.

I’m proud of myself, but it’s pride in you that got me here. the memories of your inspiring bravery, your kind generosity, your complete lack of self-pity, your goofy, excitable, compassionate, uninhibited, totally genuine nature. I stayed okay (if we’re calling baseline human function okay, and I think we ought to when we’re talking about somebody who’s lost somebody) because I love you so much, andI’m so proud…

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About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on June 14, 2015, in Me. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I’m sorry for making you cry! we are too spooky similar. this song used to make me cry because it was Flo’s kick cancer in the arse song (hard to explain why T Swift is making you cry in the supermarket), but now it reminds me to bare up and be brave. lots of love to you x

  2. I wasn’t in the supermarket, I was in front of my laptop reading you. We are spooky similar, but I think it is normal. I mean…I hate that you lost Flo and know this fucked up thing about loss. At the same time, your emotions make me feel so…normal. I feel like I’m not alone or grieving “wrong”. In a way, that is priceless. And safe, because you’ll always be that girl across the pond who lost Flo that I’ll never meet, yet feel so kindred to.
    Maybe someday I’ll travel and get hit by a car, and you’ll save my life. Who knows, weirder things could happen
    Either way, reading you might make me cry sometimes, but it is because I can relate, but you also make my chest less tight, and for that I am grateful and say thank you for blogging. If you goal was to help ONE person, then you are reaching your goal.

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