Too Much Shit

So many things I thought I had moved beyond, were not moved beyond. They were just accepted as happening and then, just buried.

Ever since Mel died and I’ve been actively dealing with that, everything else, creeps back up and announces it’s back. It’s going to take work, to deal with it all. I’m tired. I’ve just been getting more tired since 2016. Covid-19 has been the fucking cherry on top.

Today is the day

I hope this step is helpful. I’ve admitted I need help. I’ve never done this the right way, because I don’t know what the right way is.

I Broke My Diet Today

I’ve been hungry for three weeks. The more tasteless and less joy I have had in eating and my HS has gotten worse. I’ve not craved coffee and I’ve not really missed added sugars and that surprises me because I have cut out added sugar, but also have been picky about sugar amounts added in to food. Fructose that is naturally occurring has been fine, but that’s about it.

Today, I had a hard-core craving though and it’s weird, because I don’t drink soda. We are allowed two soda’s a day at work and I have always bitched that they allow the worst beverage, health wise. I drink the bottled water. Today, I’d have slit your throat for an Orange Crush. No matter how much water or juice I have had (and it’s mostly water or green tea) I just can’t feel like I’m not thirsty.

Tonight I had taco’s with salsa and all the spices that make them yummy. I felt full after two tacos. I had a coffee with non dairy creamer and a glass of crush. I felt totally satiated but now, have a huge thirst for water.

I feel bad, but I don’t feel bad. I see my doctor on Monday and from there she will refer me to someone else for the HS. I will work a game plan from there with the new person. I’m not going to feel bad for falling one night.

My body shape is feeling different and I’m OK with that. It’s nice to feel some weight fall off, but my HS has gone insane so I am aware how much stress plays into my HS.

The Girl (who doesn’t want to be The Girl)

Sometimes, I want to be vulnerable enough to say I miss her.

All I can do is hope her life is going well and she has done some healing. Some things you never get over, but I am learning with time, we can become semi functional.

Hell I’ve been semi functional for years.

I want more though.

New Clothes

I changed the theme. I think it’s a push for me to start writing again.

I’m also going to write really honestly.

Here are some truths.

I miss The Girl. I am pretty sure she knows this. I’ve never stopped loving her, though I fear her intensely because at one time, she had the power, and used it to try and hurt me. It worked. I’d love to have a relationship with her, but I also fear it. Trust and all.

I am moving on in life after so many losses, but in all honesty if I die today, I am pretty OK with that. I don’t think I am courting death, but maybe I am. I’m not going to the doctor and I have some pretty serious things going on with my body. Do I ignore it longer and go till I drop, or do I go to the doctor?

I’m not really into more of the same. I have kind of had enough of the loss.

I am probably more closed off than ever, because to let anyone in that close would mean to trust, and I am very, very, very careful about who I hand actual trust to.

On the other side, I know the things I have experienced, seen and felt, to be true. It’s just that life hit me so hard I fell off the path. I’ve not gone back to that same hateful person, but there is this wall of protection around me and when you live like that, you aren’t really living at all. You’re sitting around, waiting for it to be done. My life has felt like the last act, of a bad play, that will not fucking end.

But still I am waiting. I don’t know for what, but I am waiting.

I’m thinking I know what I personally need to do, but I have procrastinated because to jump back into it means work and I know that with so much hidden emotion and denied feeling, it’s going to be heavy. It can’t be any heavier than keeping all this shit inside me, can it?

There are things I am totally happy about also.

I love my little apartment. I love that the things I do in my life, are mine. I do them when I want and no one criticizes me, tells me I am wrong, disapproves, or hits me.

I love my few friends I have kept. These are the people I trust and am comfortable with.

Yesterday, I read something I wrote a few moths before the stroke. How odd. As things were getting better and I was happy because of Mr. Yummy, my move, my job, my soaring spiritual awakening, there was a point I admitted I feared what was coming. In all honesty I seriously thought The Girl was about to make an appearance and I wasn’t sure I could do it. That would have been so much easier than losing Mel, Mr. Yummy and Arie. All within a short time span. Back to back. It felt so cruel. it made me ask if I was a good person? I sort of began to doubt my value. I forgot I am what I am and deserve what I deserve, as do you.

With Love,

IWentCrazy