Category Archives: Menopause

Mourning

I couldn’t just get sick, and I couldn’t just grieve. I had to try to do both at once.

I like my new doctor. She listened to me, but then again, she is an ND. I am on antibiotics for infection. I didn’t get the flu, and I didn’t get just a cold. I went and spent 11 days in Texas watching my best friend walk her final road, in the physical world and it took everything and then some out of me. Basically, Mel dying, infected me.

We talked about the concerns I have had for a few years. She is going looking for the results on lab work, from the doctor who did not get back to me with results, when I did try to address a few things. She agrees I am through menopause now and may remove my IUD. She agrees that Armor Thyroid is preferable. She gave me a few other resources for depression and grieving. She did ask me to ask Mr. Y to lock any unlocked guns up, but I’m not going to. We both agreed that this is more situational and though I may never completely get over losing Mel, it is very, very raw right now, and time will ease that somehow.

I go back in next week for follow-up and to address a few things we didn’t get to yesterday.

I am to continue writing. I talked to a friend today who has made a living at writing and got some advice from him. Something is happening.

I am still mourning, but I feel like I am starting to control it, instead of it controlling me.

Sometimes though…it still takes my very breath away that she is gone.

Getting Back to Better

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What a crazy summer it has been.

I wound up asking Mr. Yummy to come hang with me for a few days, so he was here Monday and Tuesday. I was getting better, but I am on a really strong antibiotic (keflex), which makes me light-headed, on top of being light-headed from an infection, and light-headed from pain pills; so it was good to have someone him here.

It was VERY hard for me to ask him to give that time from him to me. There is still a small part of me who thinks,”Who are you to him to ask this of him?” I know I am his friend, so I guess it doesn’t matter because I asked, and he did it. It just makes me love him a little more.

I returned to work today, for the first time since last Wednesday. They are very kind there. In appreciation of their kindness…I’m getting a freaking flu shot this year.

I’ve been falling asleep with the sliding door open at night, the screen I shut. It’s SO hot and the hot flashing keeps me out of my room, in the living room, with the big fan on and the door open. I know that isn’t the smartest thing in the world even though I am on the second floor, so Mr. Yummy made it safe for me to leave the slider part way open and tonight, it is almost cool enough to shut the apartment up.

Sadly, as one infection clears up, another from the antibiotics starts. I’ve got three more days of antibiotics, then I have a pill for the next infection. Hopefully in a week, I will feel better. Right now I’m really tired, and slightly traumatized by what just happened to my body.

Sleep, it does a body good.

Night, night.

This is Menopause

Sometimes, like this morning…it sucks.

For some unknown reason, I feel emotional; like crying and climbing into bed for the day.

It’s not that there is anything wrong, but the little things, seem really big, and really rough.

I am realizing, that part of me is really confused about Mr. Yummy. I feel so much for him, and yet I have this feeling of not knowing what I want while at the same time; having the same old thoughts and visions that used to freak me out so badly about him.

I don’t think I ever really dealt with any of that. I just ran, buried, and hid from all of those things and possibilities. I hid from all that emotion and love and then wondered why I couldn’t find anything like it again.

I don’t want to do that again.

There is this part of me that feels like a frightened little girl, hanging back and asking, “But what if he doesn’t and won’t ever feel that much for me again?”

He saved my shampoo for 14 years.

So stop. Take a breath. Realize the now and don’t worry about yesterday or tomorrow. One is the now, behind me, the other the now, in front of me and I only have ONE moment of here and now. Stay in it. Don’t get in front of it and don’t revisit what has been. That is the secret of now, that has eluded me for almost 50 years.

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