You have to do what you’re doing and get through it before you process it.
Someone said this to me recently, and it keeps ringing in my head because that is what I have been doing since March of 2013. It is at the point now, where it is really wearing thin on me. When this ends, I feel like my whole body; core and all will release an earth shattering shudder.
Some of the processing has started, but it isn’t comfortable here so I keep it to a minimum. The biggest thing I have learned is that perhaps I went a little crazy when I decided to live my life in the energy of love, but I did not become mentally unhinged and I am not unstable. In fact, my going crazy caused my instability to stabilize. I just stood inches away from an ugly, distorted face, screaming at me that I am a bitch, a horrifying bitch, a fucking whore, a bully, and accused of “beating her up”, and I didn’t fucking react. ME. I may have raised my voice assertively, but I didn’t scream, and I have never hit, touched, pushed, nor beat up the ginger. I have excelled at walking away over the last year.
Now, how do you project love, back at someone who so obviously has no self-love? It has been really difficult, especially when I am walking away thinking, “You horrifying mentally unstable red-headed cunt! I want to bash your face in with a steel chair! Just shut the fuck up and stop the flap trap nagging!” I think though, that as I sit here this morning, it kind of dawns on me that I know her traumas. In fact, I have been pondering using her traumas against her just to shut her up the next time she decides to start nagging at me. For me to ponder this, is s testament to how far she has pushed me, because I know I would have to say just two things in order to snap her like a twig. It would be very, very cruel of me and I honestly feel bad for having had the thought, but this is my reaction to living with an abusive, miserable, and hateful person. I can only be called a bitch, whore, or bully…so many ways before I am tempted to give her what she wants. A horrifying bitch, might take her seven thousand dollars worth of receipts and go to the IRS with them to inform them of some unreported income, as well as report the income from a catering gig for a friend and tribe member of mine.
I have done none of these things, and it comes to me that maybe all I have to do is see her traumas for what they are. They are where she is stuck. I lived my life for over a decade, trapped in my traumas. It wasn’t until I lovingly released them that I found my peace.
I can see her as a human struggling for something she doesn’t understand, and I can feel empathy and love for that person, but I still have some issues with the screaming bitch that likes to plant herself in my face and hurl hate. Living in love, doesn’t entitle others to treat me like shit and expect I’ll just keep turning the other cheek. I am allowed to ASSERT myself and if need be, DEFEND myself.
I am very proud at myself on more than one level for not dancing the dance Ginger wants to dance. I’m also proud I haven’t bought into her bullshit list of who she sees me as, because I understand when you are stuck in the roll of the victim, you see everyone as your enemy, even those who initially wanted to be a help.
I’m still living here as I write this and I have NO idea if she checks my blog or not, but I need to not lose this so 13-263812 Officer Hancock. Yesterday I was held against my will by the tax evading, illegal landlord, who happens to also be a liar and a thief. The catering gig I blogged about months ago, was the first theft incident. Shorting me money was one thing but stealing money and product the client paid for was another. The client, my friend, is a tax preparer so she asked for all the receipts. She easily found the discrepancies and wanted to confront her then, but since I had to live there, we opted to stay quiet and not cause waves.
The officer I spoke with yesterday advised me I was well within my rights to have her arrested on kidnapping, that the courts would slap her with a no contact and she would have to vacate the premises till I am out. When you block a door and hold someone in a place they are trying to leave, the police call that kidnapping. I opted not to do that and left an informational report. If she comes at me again I am to call him and he will arrest her.
I’ve not been writing a lot on WordPress lately. I’ve had some settling to do and my transition to living with Ginger has honestly, been anything but smooth. If I could move today, I would.
Part of it is Ginger herself, part of it is me, part of it is the neighbors. Thankful to have a place to live, I just plan on roughing it out and moving on as soon as I can.
I’ve made headway at repairing relations with certain family members, others I don’t really think about too often. Well, that’s not true, regardless of everything, I love my family and think of them often, I just don’t love dealing with some of the drama and have no need to punish myself by dwelling on the hurt.
I’ve gotten very good at just walking away from the bullshit. I can’t do it. I don’t want or crave the SHIT. If I can’t just “be”, and do my thing without hurting anyone else, I just tune out. I know this bothers Ginger, that I so easily just walk away and tune her out, but I can’t ride that ride that seems to fluctuate between two different extremes. I’ve not been blogging, because I haven’t even wanted to write about the fucking drama, and I don’t want Ginger coming here, reading something and getting hurt. I might not care for her personality type, but I’m not about causing her grief.
God knows, my writing has gotten me in trouble many times, but that is how I deal and process. It’s like I MUST do it, like I MUST take a breath.
On the plus side, something really good happened in the midst of all the static noize. My bucket list is pretty short, not long at all, but probably the number one thing on it, happened.
I have been published.
I didn’t get paid, but I did get that bi-line, and that my dear reader is all I cared about. The fact I picked up a second chance to submit another article, is a bonus. The possibility of eventual payment doesn’t even sink in all the way. It’s like, “Seriously? You’re going to PAY me to do what I do because I can’t NOT do it?”
I’ve not linked to it here for two reasons. 1) The online publications isn’t up yet, 2) I used my real name.
I did get asked to write a second article, so this is all good.
I’ll probably NEVER eat anything from the ocean again, but I got myself published. It feels good because I always wanted this, but it feels good to have done what I’ve been told I would never accomplish.
Never let anyone try to kill your dreams.
I just completed my first paid, official catering job. It was an amazing success! Three people asked me for my card. Ooops, I don’t have one!
A very good friend’s father died. Normally, when there is a party at her house, she is at the helm and is a very competent and amazing entertainer. This time, for the wake, she needed to be with family and couldn’t take the time to run a show. She knows Ginger is a personal chef as well with a history of catering and teaching so she asked if we wanted to cater her dad’s wake.
I love this woman SO much that I was honored to have been asked. I dragged Ginger over for a meeting and a deal was arranged. My friend’s father really liked Mexican food so we did an AMAZING spread of Chili Verde, Chicken Chili Colorado, a Chili Relleno Casserole, Rice , Frijoles, salsas, chips and Queso dips. For the sweets after the main meal We made Mexican Brownies, Regular Brownies, Blondes with Dulce Leche baked in them and grilled pineapple. If you have never grilled pineapple, DO IT! Let it get nice and caramelized and eat it hot. I love sprinkling cayenne on it, though tonight, just grilled it natural.
Halfway through the night, I noticed an e-mail from the guy who recently broke me heart. It angered me and I just let it go till I was driving home. Then I felt the emotion.
It really sucks to feel angry when I don’t want to engage in it. I feel guilty for wanting to say that he’s a coward, and how shocked I am about that. I didn’t think he of all people would let the fear kick his ass. I recognize it because I lived it for so long. I instantly feel guilt for feeling animosity because I feel hurt and shit upon.
I understand depression, fear, and all the crap that goes with it. I KNOW he didn’t mean to hurt me, abandon us, throw me away like I am disposable, or even to cause me an iota of pain. I KNOW this, but he did, or I TOOK it that way. Universe, told me no. I’m grateful I found out before one of us moved across country.
He told me once, he never wanted to do to me what anyone one else had ever done to me. He didn’t want to be one more person who hurt me. I regret I can’t say he didn’t.
Somewhere inside me, I understand that to get over it, I just have to fucking let it go. Just…stop holding it and walk away from the shit.
I had a really good day, even the small bump with Mr. No Name ( I don’t know what to “blog name” him) can’t take away the content I feel in my heart over today and what I was able to provide my friend.
I’m wound up, spent and fucking blessed!
Shape and stretch dough, then because it is the first pizza, made with Ginger, on my stone, with a virginal paddle, in her oven; which I am still learning…we dress the dough and get it in, without taking pictures. She worked the first dough and paddles it in. I removed it.
pepperoni, ham, artichoke hearts, black olives on half, mushrooms, salami, crushed red pepper, jalapeno, feta cheese and cheese. We added fresh tomatoes after it cooked. It was delicious. It was the first time we cooked together and it was very intuitive for each of us.
We totally bonded.
The Bliss Junkie and I got all my stuff out of storage, anything still there, I need to get donated by the 15th.
Today was a very, very, very nice day and I am happy. Not just content, but happy.
Yours in absolute gratitude and love,