Now, I feel bricks and things falling around me. As this happens, I have that familiar feeling of falling veils again.
How will I ever explain this without sounding like a nut?
He said to me that “You keep reminding me of your soul.”
He does not know the impact that statement had on me. He does not know the connections I have made with my soul and how beautiful I find that connection to the human part of my soul or your soul…or HIS soul.
I sent him a picture and text saying I was just checking in, thinking of him and I hope he is well, (He just had a sudden death of a close friend and was processing it, I was trying to let him do that and let him know I was also there if he needed anything.) It’s an old picture, almost taken after he and I split. I took it with a crappy old webcam in a poorly lit area, and yet I love the picture. I was shooting for the old brown and white style graduation pics of my mother’s generation where the “girls” were bare shouldered and usually had “touch-up pink lips”.
A few hours later, he responded saying “That picture it worth 2000 words…made me cry. You’re beautiful.” During our text, I had sent him a link to A Beautiful Mess video (Live in Chicago), we were talking emotion, and he mentioned my soul. He mentioned to me he was melting a little. I, on the other hand was like a totally melted pot of sweet honey filled beeswax.
How can I still be so totally bonded to him in this way fourteen years later? This would be why, each relationship since him, made me miss him all the more, and when breaking up with others, I would completely re-mourn the loss of us.
This IS, the person for me.
This IS the one I’ve been waiting for.
This IS the one who makes the human part of my soul feel like the other half has come home.
This IS part of the experience that brings down residual shit, and veils fall again.
This is indeed, a beautiful mess and I am grateful to have had the last 2 years and three months.
I am ready for this.
I can’t stop this silent steady stream of tears and don’t even want to try.
So much time, so many locked up memories, so many floods of raw emotion, so much displaced love, ready to spring forth like an arrow…
So much gratitude, so much confessed and so much heard.
It shook me to the core to be told the way I went to Alaska, so fast, with the woman I went to help, with the things he knew about her and how close we were…he just didn’t know how to process it. I hurt him. This was never my intention and it deeply hurt my heart to know I had hurt him. To say I am sorry and for him to hear that and say he was sorry he didn’t know how to help the hurt I was hanging onto back then, brought tears to my eyes.
I have never stopped loving him, in fact I would be so bold as to say I still am in love with him. Do I know what will happen between us now? Yes and no. Do I have expectations? Yes and no. Am I in a hurry to find out? Not really, I am really enjoying this tender and touching dance we are doing and I want to draw it out and savor this beautiful thing.
Processing…words, feelings, desires, moments, and sweet kisses.
I told him in text last night that I LIKE the person I have become and living my life in a way that brings me peace. Time is being good to me and I am grateful for that and for being able to talk to him today. He replied that he is too.
I admitted to finding my voice over the years, and that life may have been easier for us both if I had only known how to say what I want. I told him how proud my BFF is for me telling him Monday night, that I wanted to see him again, because I SPOKE UP! He replied he is glad I did.
I know, that this is heading to the physical, and we are both now, feeling the emotional part, but will we become us again? I don’t want to go back to then, we were messed up with our own stuff…but I am curious to see what will become of this opportunity and what I have called into Universe.
I’m not worried about defining this. I know what it is, I’m just happy that this is happening.
I have done quite a bit of work the last few years on all that shit I have carried with me for almost five decades.
How did I not wind up in a rubber room?
I guess in one way, I did. Self imposed, self-defeating, self-sabotaging, self-isolating, never to really connect with another on a level that was healthy. Anything good, was not self-sustaining, took work to keep it good, and I just didn’t know where those skills were in me.
Somehow, it was always just about me and my needs. Anyone I was with needed to have the same passions as me, and the lines between them and me, always blurred and I would lose myself trying to manipulate a situation to go my way, because that was the right way, the only way.
I was a child in a woman’s body, years before I grew up and I didn’t even have the basic understanding of math, nor the realization there is always more than one way to solve an equation.
When I “recovered myself” the painful death, wound up actually being a beautiful metamorphosis. I feel extremely lucky to have experienced such an awakening. I found such a peace and gained an understanding of human capacity. There need be no limit. Limit is imposed on us from birth to the point, we don’t need someone there to limit us, we become adept at self limitation.
Though I still have a few unresolved relationships, I have tried to see the hurt for what it is. Usually it is a reflection of myself, that I have helped manifest. When I see my issues for what they are, it is easier to smile at myself and accept my own fears.
My load, is incredibly lighter these days.
I don’t just mean petite.
I’ve noticed something with the people I respect the most who demand more from me than I’ve ever demanded from them.
Ready for this?
They haven’t been giving out the same respect or patience I have reserved for them. It even seems like it is expected of me. They demand more from me than I have ever asked of them and lately…I feel it.
Well, I don’t feel like playing this game with anyone. I shouldn’t have to take less than what I give and if this isn’t observed, then why should I bother?
I wouldn’t say I plan on going out of my way to not be me, but I’m not going out of my way to not be me anymore. If you take advantage, don’t expect it to just be OK. I can’t say I am pissed off, but at the same time, I am not pleased.
Except I am, because I DO see it and DO feel it and I’m not OK with it. I also have no guilt over feeling…assertive. It feels good to feel no guilt over saying, “I deserve the same.”
Good Morning Peeps!
If you actually watch this video @ the tube, the lyrics are below the video. I can’t help but turn this one up in the car when driving.
That’s the kind of impact I want to have on the world. I want to make you fucking dance!
With absolute gratitude and love,