Category Archives: Universe
I changed the theme. I think it’s a push for me to start writing again.
I’m also going to write really honestly.
Here are some truths.
I miss The Girl. I am pretty sure she knows this. I’ve never stopped loving her, though I fear her intensely because at one time, she had the power, and used it to try and hurt me. It worked. I’d love to have a relationship with her, but I also fear it. Trust and all.
I am moving on in life after so many losses, but in all honesty if I die today, I am pretty OK with that. I don’t think I am courting death, but maybe I am. I’m not going to the doctor and I have some pretty serious things going on with my body. Do I ignore it longer and go till I drop, or do I go to the doctor?
I’m not really into more of the same. I have kind of had enough of the loss.
I am probably more closed off than ever, because to let anyone in that close would mean to trust, and I am very, very, very careful about who I hand actual trust to.
On the other side, I know the things I have experienced, seen and felt, to be true. It’s just that life hit me so hard I fell off the path. I’ve not gone back to that same hateful person, but there is this wall of protection around me and when you live like that, you aren’t really living at all. You’re sitting around, waiting for it to be done. My life has felt like the last act, of a bad play, that will not fucking end.
But still I am waiting. I don’t know for what, but I am waiting.
I’m thinking I know what I personally need to do, but I have procrastinated because to jump back into it means work and I know that with so much hidden emotion and denied feeling, it’s going to be heavy. It can’t be any heavier than keeping all this shit inside me, can it?
There are things I am totally happy about also.
I love my little apartment. I love that the things I do in my life, are mine. I do them when I want and no one criticizes me, tells me I am wrong, disapproves, or hits me.
I love my few friends I have kept. These are the people I trust and am comfortable with.
Yesterday, I read something I wrote a few moths before the stroke. How odd. As things were getting better and I was happy because of Mr. Yummy, my move, my job, my soaring spiritual awakening, there was a point I admitted I feared what was coming. In all honesty I seriously thought The Girl was about to make an appearance and I wasn’t sure I could do it. That would have been so much easier than losing Mel, Mr. Yummy and Arie. All within a short time span. Back to back. It felt so cruel. it made me ask if I was a good person? I sort of began to doubt my value. I forgot I am what I am and deserve what I deserve, as do you.
It’s not always bad when I go quiet. Sometimes, I am off having the time of my life.
That is not the case as of late. It’s been a pretty bad couple of months. After the memorial, I just went dark and deep. I have been, and remain very depressed and slightly suicidal. Being slightly suicidal is like being a little pregnant.
I’ve had some pretty dark moments. I now know what cold metal tastes like. I couldn’t do that to Mr. Y. He would hate me forever if he walked into his house and found me like that.
I know. I’m pretty fucked up.
I wonder where did I go? That woman who was so tied to the Universe and creation? Where is she and how do I connect with her again?
I want to talk to my emotional twin. I miss her. I miss feeling her. I miss laughing with her. I miss looking beyond our differences.
This is all for now.
I never thought I would live to see certain things.
I never thought I would live to see a black president. We both saw that.
I never thought I would see marijuana legal. We both lived to see it legal in MY state, it has yet to go nationwide, but we saw the start, together.
I never thought I would live to see the day when gay and lesbian couples could marry. I lived to see it. You did not. And you didn’t live to see us finish the fight for transgender folks. You knew that for me, the fight wouldn’t be over with just partial equality, right? I have a partner in that fight. You know her, in fact you molded her and her sense of fairness is a direct reflection of you. How I love you both.
I miss you, but I am starting to smile and laugh more and more my love. I DID talk to you this morning about something. I said it out loud out on the porch, because I can’t say it here. I hope you heard me, in the vast state of everything you are now. I think of how, if your energy returned to our source, that now instead of being petite and tiny, you are huge and massive now. You’re part of everything, from the tiniest particle to the largest part of Universe. So I assume you heard me in one way or another, and you will do what you can.
Mr. Yummy came home last night and he’s gone again today. He literally came home in time to go to bed, but somehow, we managed to have fun regardless. He’s gone back to The Island today to continue working on the food truck he went to Texas to get right after you died, for his daughters business. She gave a guy 30 grand to do the electrical. Guess who is out fixing his work now?
I’m getting used to the fact that he’s gone a lot in the summer and I’ll get most of my best snuggles come the fall and winter. I also am feeling more comfortable with the whole touching thing again. It was the night before he took off to start work on the daughter’s truck, only I didn’t know he was leaving the next day. I was laying there having anxiety wanting to reach out and just hold his hand as I fell asleep and having total anxiety over it, so I told him as much. He sighed and told me I worry too much. Then he reached out and grabbed my hand. I would have been happy just holding hands, but when his hands wandered, all bets were off. We are so good there. Always have been. I just hope we catch up to being as good in other areas. Surprisingly, I’m doing well with my own insecurities and facing them down.
Still I miss you. Friday after the SCOTUS handed down their decision I was at work thinking, “I can’t believe you didn’t live to see this…or menopause, but mainly THIS. I started to get weepy. Carrie, the production manager came in and said the company wants to take a #LoveWins photo for instagram. It made me cry when she told me just because of the timing of wishing I could share the Historical moment with you. I explained, she gave me a hug and if you look close in the picture, you can see the tissue still in my hand. I am SO proud to work for the company I work for. I give you…my work tribe.
This is one of those days where I have so much to tell you.
My three times step brother was just here. He came up from LA and is looking for property here. I wasn’t going to ask if he could stay here, but then when he sat at the table looking for hotels, I grew a pair and asked if he can stay. He of course, said yes.
He stayed Wednesday through this morning, Saturday. I took Friday off, took him to meet my little sister, since last he saw her, she was in diapers. He gave me a good self check Friday night, and I was stunned when I left him here and went to the store for 15 minutes, he got Mr. Yummy to say that he knows I love him. He also learned the things I know, He’s into a simple life, living to be happy, no drama, and he has people (family) he loves and are important (his riding buddies) to him.
I wasn’t surprised he found out that stuff, but I about fell over when he said, “He knows you love him.” I asked, “How do you know?” he replied that Mr. Yummy told him. I just sat there thinking, “I was only gone fifteen freaking minutes!” I didn’t ask what else was said. I didn’t dig, or push.
I slept in his bed Wednesday night. I stayed far on my side to the edge. I awoke mid way through the night and he was really close to me and we were holding hands. It scared me so I pulled away and said I was sorry as I rolled over. Thursday I went to bed first and slept all night, I felt him almost spoon me once.
Here it is two days later. I had to stop writing, because I felt overwhelmed.
Lots has changed inside of me, though looking at my actual life, not much really has changed. It’s just me that is changing.
Not too long ago I expressed what it would be like to want to call you because I had happy news, and not just sad fucking bull-shit. Today, Monday the 8th of June (See that irony? The 8th. That means you died 6 months ago today) is the first day I wanted to call you with GOOD news. I got my review today, and got a small raise. Not a big one, but we are a small company so I am OK with small ($1.00 an hour).
I couldn’t call you, so I called Mini Me.
Gawd, I want her home.
My brother being here, seemed to break the ice at home. Maybe it did nothing. Maybe it just helped push a change in me. Whatever the reason, I am grateful. I desperately need to take my life, and control of it, back from the land your death took it too. I’m not really feeling too guilty about this, because I know, my dearest friend…that my living, must go on. Otherwise? What’s the fucking purpose? I truly believe that I am a spiritual being, having a human experience. You taught me, the ultimate, in human loss of someone unconditionally loved, on both sides. I wish to fucking God that ANYONE but you (how’s that for throwing other friends under the bus?) had taught me that. I do realize though, that only YOU could teach me this, because of who you are/were/have been/always will be to me. Still, I hate it and look forward to the day my energy comes to you, because it will.
So I got my snuggle on Friday night. It was nice. And frightening. Though nice. I got my review today and a raise. That was nice. Realizing today is 6 months was still a breath-catcher. I’m never going to be the same, but I will adjust to this new normal in my life. I have to.
I will always be there for the kids. Even if I can’t financially care for them like I wish I could. I will always have room and time for them and I will love them like they are my kids, because they have always been kinda my kids, because of you.
I miss you MORE, not less as time goes by, but I’m coping and I am learning once again, how fucking strong I am.
I love you always.
Sick n Sin,
Second session. Much more comfortable than the first. The first actually helped me a lot in many ways. The first being I had to fill out paperwork regarding why I was there, and who I lost. I had to fill your name in “Who did you lose?” ________________
“What is your relationship with the person you lost?” ________________ “How did you lose the person?” ________________
Filling out that form sucked. It made my cry super hard as I filled it out. It made it become so real. I spent the last few weeks accepting: There was no mistake. You are gone. You aren’t ever going to make my phone ring again. I’m never going to hear your beautiful laugh again. It’s real.
It has sucked learning all this.
It has been good for me to learn that everything I have been going through, is normal. It has been good to learn that I may never be the same, because I feel that. Part of me left with you and that is normal. My thoughts of giving up, have been normal. Finding I don’t want to give up, is even better.
Today we talked, ironically, about vulnerability. It was odd, since she said it before I even brought up the Brene Brown talk I posted yesterday. I grew a pair and came back to Mr. Yummy’s and told him have a little voice in the back of my head telling me that he wants me not to even be here. He shook his head no, and said “No, I don’t feel that.” That was all we said. That was enough vulnerability for me with him today. I didn’t tell him it was the same voice I heard before I fled to Alaska. I haven’t told him I have started grief therapy. I haven’t told him I am dying for a hug (he can’t hug me, HE’S clean now) It was just all enough. getting out I have a voice telling me to run, was enough for one day.
I talked to your daughter today. I miss her and can’t wait for her to come home. She got the all clear to come home. I can’t wait. SIL told her I am not invited to your memorial.. Really? Mini Me is fit to bust a nut, but she has no nut to bust. She said you would be flaming pissed off mad at them for how they have treated me. There were so many people in that house, and yet it had to have been ME who ripped you off, because they obviously didn’t stop to think maybe it was some of the people THEY brought in. I remember being really uncomfortable with everyone being gathered in your bathroom, unsupervised, so I went in and started to talk to Mini Me about stuff with SIL, just to be able to shut the doors in the bathroom and get some of the people who were in your space, like it wasn’t still your space. Perhaps one day, when someone croaks the bucket, they will find A’s stolen ring. I don’t even know what it looks like because the only ring I saw you wear on a regular basis was the one RR got you.
I miss you. I hope bringing Mini Me home is the right thing. I hope she can transition here and deal with D.
I’m going to watch for our words to appear. Like I look for 11:11. Maybe if I see them enough, I will know you feel I honored you.
I’m taking Friday off to do what better be my last treatment. I need to rid of the Texas parasites.