Monthly Archives: April 2013
I don’t just mean petite.
I’ve noticed something with the people I respect the most who demand more from me than I’ve ever demanded from them.
Ready for this?
They haven’t been giving out the same respect or patience I have reserved for them. It even seems like it is expected of me. They demand more from me than I have ever asked of them and lately…I feel it.
Well, I don’t feel like playing this game with anyone. I shouldn’t have to take less than what I give and if this isn’t observed, then why should I bother?
I wouldn’t say I plan on going out of my way to not be me, but I’m not going out of my way to not be me anymore. If you take advantage, don’t expect it to just be OK. I can’t say I am pissed off, but at the same time, I am not pleased.
Except I am, because I DO see it and DO feel it and I’m not OK with it. I also have no guilt over feeling…assertive. It feels good to feel no guilt over saying, “I deserve the same.”
I miss parts of you too. But I don’t miss us. WE, were not good together. You’re a bully and I’ve been a door-mat.
I have an implant in my face, because of us.
I have moments where it would be easy to give into your missing me, but I am OK being alone. I don’t need another person to make me whole in the ways I need to be whole. I need to be whole though, before I can let another person in to my life in an intimate way.
Please, don’t miss me. It “aint” gonna happen for us, we already had our chance and we blew it.
I have not participated in the aftermath of the Boston Marathon Terror attack.
I’ve not watched network television coverage of it, and have read very little about it on the internet. Meaning; I see what I see on social networking, but don’t go looking for it.
Many of the stories, I do not click on. I read the headlines, and only click on some of the stories. Admittedly, I am not keeping up with the terror headlines. The ones that EVERYONE is posting, on all sides of political spectrum…and fighting over.
Having said I am ignorant on this event, I can still confidently state, that this is an act of terrorism. People are afraid and are speaking in ways very similar to how they spoke in the fall of another year, long ago. A time when things really got cranked up.
And the people stood back and watched things change, accepting it was all in the name of securing safety and freedom. Hating fellow human beings and not seeing the Maestro conducting our symphony of hate, when what we needed was Love.
I believe that what just happened, was a test. What we saw, that I have never seen before, and have only recently skimmed headlines on, is the lock-down of a city. The images accompanying the headlines, sure looked like Martial Law to me. To read a headline stating a suspect hasn’t been read his rights, says we all have no rights.
And yet people sit back and watch, in fear. And no one says it. Boston was a test case for Martial law. I wonder what they learned? Did they learn enough to carry out a nationwide clampdown?
What are we gonna do now?!
I can’t vibrate at the terror level so I haven’t gone there. Still choosing not to go there; it still permeates. This morning NBC is reporting that brainwashing is involved. REALLY? After years of calling anyone looking into MK Ultra, Project Butterfly, and the many other theories on mind control, crazy, NBC doesn’t really garner trust out of me when they scream this at me in a headline.
Anytime new and unprecedented things happen in how we,” the people” are treated and the people stand back and allow it, I tend to expect, that something wicked this way comes.
This doesn’t mean that I am going to plug into the fear-porn network. I can’t. My heart goes out to all of us. it wasn’t just Boston. It hasn’t been just Connecticut, New York, New Orleans, Florida, Arkansas. It’s ALL of us that these things damage, because the fear seeps in. When people live in terror, they have been terrorized.
I don’t want to be terrorized, so I love you. ALL of you. Not just those who think like I do, or are trying to think outside the fear-porn. I have to love even those conducting the symphony, producing the terror, and those calling on hate.
Thanks for listening, but I can’t play in the clampdown party.
We spoke this morning and your shit rolled out onto me in waves. I walk away with this incredible sadness.
Most of it is for you, some of it is because of you…if that makes sense.
I am sad that you have become the energy that you are resonating at. You ARE so much more than that and yet, you just don’t fucking see that. To talk to you really drags my energy down, dangerously fast. It’s discerning.
I suppose that is why I contact less and less.
It makes me angry to know that there is a part of you doing this on purpose. I DO get it, and don’t like it, but must accept it.
I know what I have to do, and you do too. You’ve only been trying to get me to accept it your way and I have been refusing.
Today I accept that YOU are going to do it your way and I am going to do it my way. I have to, because I can’t hate you. I can move beyond so many different old negative reactions, except the one that I call hurt. As I start to allow myself to examine that hurt, it becomes clear. As things become clear, it will be easier to do what I must do.
I’m not going to stay here for long.
I’ve been given a gift of contrast and I need to examine that too, in order to reconcile the account and make it balance again.
Four months after I broke up with the eye-breaker, I took a little money, and invested in some bit coins. I bought about $70.00 worth. I spent a few here and there on things like subscriptions online and had about $50.00 left sitting in my bitcoin wallet. I actually had 6.1930014 bitcoins that were worth about $50.00 USD.
I left them alone, my bank account, that was linked to my bitcoin wallet, merged with another bank, making my information obsolete. After reading about bitcoins lately, I figured I should check on them.I reconnected my banking information and just about shit my pants when I finally found my bitcoin wallet password and figured out what I had and what the USD conversion was.
On a $70.00 purchase of bitcoins made one year ago…I just made $490.00. I can pay my rent in May with ONE payment and not have to pay in two. This is a very good thing and was just the little help I needed to recover from a few rugs being yanked out from under me as I was moving.