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A Good Thing

I’m finding my voice again.


There is no one like her


And I mean no one.

There never will be.

She embodies the best of me and the worst of me.

I would walk through glass for her.

Well, I’d at least go to the courtroom she had to call in to from Texas, for the ruling on a two plus year battle with her ex. I REALLY didn’t want to see him, but had she come here for this, you can bet I’d have been at her side. So when I asked her if she wanted me to be there for support, she said yes.

She told me after the ruling, that it meant the world to her to have had me there. She KNOWS the memories that place has for me as well as how much I did not want to have to see him.

When he approached me in the hallway on the break asking me what I was doing there. I did not bend, I did not feel I owed him an explanation, when he pushed, I had no problem saying I was just there for my best friend as well as for his daughter. When he tried to engage me in drama and argue with me, I literally waved my hand at him and said, “No, YOU don’t get to do this to me. YOU need to walk away!”

He actually did.

After the judge ruled, in favor of his daughter’s interests and health, I silently applauded as he walked out of chambers. It wasn’t vindictive, it wasn’t for my friend, it was for her daughter and the fact a judge finally realized that a child with special medical needs help from BOTH parents.

I didn’t really CARE when his current wife thought it was about HER losing HER house, and she called me a fucking bitch and stormed out of court. She thought I was happy for HER loss.

I am happy for my best friend’s daughter and a judgment that was truly in her favor. A child of 14, who has been living with Crohns, arthritis, and necrotizing granulomas on her lungs since she has been 5, deserves to be taken care of by her father as well as her mother. It wasn’t right to see my friend lose her house, her credit, her sanity, and then have to leave the state because her child is sick all the winter months each year, while he never helped and called them both liars.

It is unfortunate, that two MORE people are about to go through the same financial hell my friend has been though, but it hasn’t been right to watch my friend go through it alone, while her ex flourished, bought toys, kept his house, and has had enough cash to go play with and actually have gambling losses on his income tax returns.

Oh wait…snap! When the court papers were filed, it was stated that the current wife’s mother actually paid for all the gambling and any winnings were given to her. So then how could losses for gambling go on anyone’s tax return other than the mothers?

I have a sneaking suspicion the IRS will get involved.

So yeah, I am happy and proud of my best friend and her daughter. Did I go in there saying, “Boy, I hope they really get fucked and lose everything!”? No, I went in hoping someone paid attention to what my “niece” is going through.

They did.

I freaking hate courthouses and the system.

There aren’t many people I would do that for.

There is no one like her.

I love her.

Sick n Sin. Always.

Have You Ever Gone A Little Crazy?


Spoiler Alert!

I went a little crazy, so there are many aspects of this movie I can relate to. It’s not that a simple little Hollywood flick can sum it up with a happy ending, but it felt good to watch two people; plus the village it took to help mold them, face their breaks, cracks, flaws, and pain together.

He lost his wife when he came home and found her in she shower fucking a co-worker to their wedding song. He went nuts and beat the shit out of the lover. He wound up in a psych ward. She lost her husband via death and began fucking everyone at work and wound up a slut.

Both wind up at their parent’s after the traumas.

They meet at a dinner his friend and her sister have. They both wear their crazy openly and a connection is born. She tricks him into finding something to focus on, by telling him she can get a letter to his wife, who left him and placed a restraining order against him while in his crazy. No one else, is willing to do this law-breaking act for him. He wants to explain how he has discovered positivity, is his key.

His dad is OCD and is temporarily a bookie while unemployed, his mother is an enabler and desperate. Part of dad’s OCD is the belief his team’s luck is tied to the relationship he has with his son. After a heavy bet on a game and his team loses, we find out, as does the entire village a bet has been made for double or nothing on the thing She has tricked Him into focusing on.

To win this thing of focus, they have to get a ten, but they are first time competitors so this, is not likely. A parlay is added to the bet, meaning two bets are made and BOTH bets have to be won. The bet is that 1) A certain team will win 2) They will score at least a five in the thing of focus. The money involved, was enough for Dad to open a restaurant.

Some would say they failed, and the audience, fellow competitors and, judges do not understand their, or their tribe’s reaction to a five out of ten.

Sometimes, a five is just better than a ten.

If I have left you with questions, then go rent this movie.

Little Patience

I’m short.

I don’t just mean petite.

I’ve noticed something with the people I respect the most who demand more from me than I’ve ever demanded from them.

give take

Ready for this?

They haven’t been giving out the same respect or patience I have reserved for them. It even seems like it is expected of me. They demand more from me than I have ever asked of them and lately…I feel it.

Well, I don’t feel like playing this game with anyone. I shouldn’t have to take less than what I give and if this isn’t observed, then why should I bother?

I wouldn’t say I plan on going out of my way to not be me, but I’m not going out of my way to not be me anymore. If you take advantage, don’t expect it to just be OK. I can’t say I am pissed off, but at the same time, I am not pleased.

Except I am, because I DO see it and DO feel it and I’m not OK with it. I also have no guilt over feeling…assertive. It feels good to feel no guilt over saying, “I deserve the same.”

Fifteen Years of Self-Hate (the end of an error)


It was April Fools day 1998 that I suppose I really started courting death and depression as my close friends and intimate companions.

It was not too long after then that I screamed at Universe to “Bring it on! See what I can take!”


Never do that! Not when you are angry, full of hurt, fear, agitation, self-loathing! If you ever get a wild hair up your ass to do it, you better be very, VERY specific about what you mean.

I spent ten years in a hole so deep I didn’t think I would ever get out.

Today I have a very different relationship with Universe and myself. There is respect, Love and the dawning of comprehension. By comprehension, I mean things fit together in my head and heart without me having to take a sledge-hammer and force it.

I was a horrible, horrible person to myself, and therefore those around me. It has been really eye-opening dealing with someone so much like I was for so long. Horrifying to register how I presented to others, the energy I emitted was pure poison.

Amazingly, I still have a few really GOOD friends who knew me then. They have seen it all from me. They have seen my very, very worst, and now if they care to see, they can see me at what feels like my (to this point in time) very, very best.

swan_11I no longer feel isolated, ugly and, alone.

I feel part of something bigger, loved in ways a lover can’t provide, and most important to me…the damaged me, connected.

So no joke,

You are beautiful, connected, and loved.

Have you accepted that?

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