Sex n Celibacy

In May of 2015, I had sex for the last time. I knew it was the last time too. I almost even said to Mr. Yummy, as we were naked, in the dark, smoking on the deck, “You never know when the last time you are going to have sex will be.”

I did not say this to him, though I knew, it was my last time.

Today I started thinking about celibacy and sex. How most of my life I have been celibate. To be more accurate, I have spent more time being celibate, than having an active sex life. It was not due to HS, till after 2016. It was usually due to the fact I can’t just hook up. I need more than just sex. More than just fleeting. More than just meaningless.

Not to say that I haven’t had my fair amount of it, or to say I have never had a hook-up. I had to hook-up to know I didn’t like hook-up sex.

I’ve always been fine when I chose celibacy. It made other people more uncomfortable than it did me.

Thinking, thinking, thinking…

These are the types of sex I have had.

Forced sex

Solitary sex

Sacred sex

Experimental sex

Friendly sex

Excited sex

Loving sex

Angry sex

Perfect sex

Regrettable sex

Forgetful sex

Eager sex

Betrayal sex

Gay sex

Happy sex

Sad sex

Remorseful sex

Death sex

Baby sex

Passionate sex

Indifferent sex

Hateful sex

Satiating sex

Boring sex

Justified sex

Guilty sex

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!

The last sex I had, was perfect sex. Mr. Yummy was always the best sex. He was intuitive, sensitive, and his pleasure, was my pleasure.

You know what I really miss though?

Intimacy.

I miss having that person you can tell anything to. I miss having someone to talk with, to share my thoughts or have someone share their thoughts with me.

If I could pick one thing to have, it wouldn’t be a lover or sex. it would be to have my best friend back.

I wish I could hear her laughter again. Jesus I’d even take her screeching at her kids to STFU.

I miss you Melissa, more than you would have imagined and more than you could ever, ever know. I wonder if things were reversed, would you feel like I feel? Would you be destroyed?

I wouldn’t want you to be. I would want you to be happy, to find someone to laugh with. Someone to be there for you through the thick and the thin.

I miss you.

 

Trauma

I’m pretty sure it was late 2011 early 2012 I started writing about living in a Trauma based society.

I’m pretty sure the two weeks have proved that.

I keep hearing men say women  are finally waking up and it’s time for the girls to burn the village down.

I have been asking my male friends to be our allies for years. I pretty much only have a few male friends anymore because asking men to hold themselves accountable for the male privilege they have existed in, makes me hysterical, dramatic, a bitch.

Here’s the deal.

Women KNOW how strong we are. We have endured CENTURIES of being told to know our place. For you to now suggest WE burn YOUR village of male patriarchy down is total bullshit.

For men to be woke they will need to start having uncomfortable conversations with the women in their life. They will have to start asking women if we are survivors. They will have to hear some hard stories. We don’t need you to listen as our fathers or brothers, uncles, husbands etc. We need you to listen AS MEN. We need YOU to start dismantling your male privileged, patriarchal house that has coddled you and conditioned you to blame the victims. No matter what, if we walk down the street naked, it doesn’t entitle you to rape. The rapist is responsible for the act of rape. Brock Turner is responsible for the fact he dragged a passed out woman behind a fucking dumpster and raped her while she was unable to consent. It is not her fault for being too intoxicated.

If you want to learn and understand, you must be willing to understand that we all have to live in this village together before you ask someone to strike a match for you. For years I have wanted to burn the village down, but before we destroy the whole damn thing, we need to realize we still need a place to exist together, a place to raise our assertive girls and to raise better sons. Men have to realize that what I just said, doesn’t mean we will raise bitches and pansy-ass men.

This all applies to the male victims of sexual assault and rape, because the act of raping a man, reduces him to less than a woman.

Rape is about power, and it is time that men become our allies.

All men know a woman who has been raped. Even if they don’t know it, they don’t know it because so many of us keep quiet about it. We know how it will be received. We are conditioned to protect our men.

It is pretty safe to say most men know a rapist or someone who is predatory with women. If you think back to that one guy, most of you DON’T want to know it. Some of you do know it.

You’re either with us, or against us.

Maria Gallagher and Ana Maria Archila

It has been a hell of a grueling, rough week. The shit show with Kavanaugh has been so fucking emotional.

I need men to either be our allies, or get the fuck out of our way and shut the fuck up.

Don’t tell us how to fight, we’ve been doing it all our lives. Check your power, Ally up or fuck off.

We all owe these two women a thank you for forcing Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona to not just listen, but hear some of us. Thank You Maria Gallagher and Ana Maria Archila. You are heroes and I will weep every time I live this moment.

Today, you two women, this one Senator, shared a Historical moment. We are taking back OUR History, our Herstory.

My mother, used to tell me….wayyyyy back in the early 70’s, that Sisterhood is powerful. Over the years, it seemed cheesy and well, bullshit. Women spend more time competing with one another and being catty. But have we finally got it?

Yesterday, the GoFundMe set up for Dr. Ford, reached $700,000.00. It was at $350,000.00 yesterday an hour into her testimony and I watched a good three grand roll in while watching the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Crisis lines had a 202% increase in call volume from women talking about rapes in their past.

CSPAN experienced women calling in and reporting 40 and 50-year-old rapes. A 72-year-old woman named Brenda called in. She spoke of a rape she experienced in second grade by two seventh grade boys. It was heartbreaking.

This fight, is about electing a judge who believes a sitting President is above the law. This fight is about Trump getting the right judge in there so there is no fight to a new totalitarian way of life. Fuck that! Kavanaugh is on record saying a president is above the law. SO then we start rolling back to sexual assault. Trump will never be held accountable for grabbing women without consent, why would any other man be held accountable. The Kavanaugh debacle proved he is not SCOTUS material.

So the waters muddy, but we can not allow a Judge who believes a sitting president is above the law, to serve on SCOTUS. We can not allow a man who isn’t willing to reopen a background investigation into his past when new information arrives.

I do not believe Brett Kavanaugh is innocent. I saw him indignantly angry, with an air of entitlement, argumentative with women who dared to question him of drinking, devils triangle, Renate Ulumnius, skis, boofed and FFFFFFFourth of July. He sat there and indignantly and angrily lied.

It’s been a long week and I don’t have it in me to do more of my childhood today, but I did want to thank these two amazing women.