Monthly Archives: October 2012

Sinking-in

Over the last two days, I have been absorbing the fact that I am staying, and he is coming here. Part of me (the part that fears the mid-west mentality…and worse, my internal reaction to it) is relieved.

I can’t wait to re-share my city with him and make it ours again.

I’ve been really, internally hung up in fear lately and it feels good to be letting that go some.

I’ve become “unconcerned” with the things I have tried to fix or change. It is not that I am no longer willing…but I have done all I can do on my own, so I heard from Universe, that it is my time to collect $200 and pass go.

My Words

This is my place.
This is how I think, processes, and work things out.

Though I now write anonymously, I still need to say the following; If you look for something to be wrong…eventually you will find it, but you don’t have permission to tell me how to write, who I may choose to talk about MY history
with, how to live my life, or decide that YOU can give me closure.
If you can’t love me, then just go away because I don’t accept hateful vibes anymore. Nor do I accept judgment from those who haven’t lived in my skin.
This is MY life.
Excuse me while I live it.

Changes

Last night my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone.

The phone.

The phone.

The ever-loving, mother-fluffing phone.

Lately, I’ve been so sad and feeling so stuck. It’s maddening to have found him again, and to be so far away from him.

He on the other hand has been quietly dealing with his own frustrations. I understand he is used to “going it alone” so he keeps a lot to himself. He does it so well, I have actually been freaking out (fairly quietly for me) and thinking, “He has changed his mind about me.”

He called me last night. He was not drunk, but he wasn’t sober. I could hear it in his voice and I thought, “Ut ohhhhh, here we go.” I was right. We had a long two and a half hour talk and I shed some tears, but I think we came to our decision, together. I’m not going to pack up and leave here. He’s going to come here.

He caught me so off guard. I was sitting there feeling totally insecure about us and his silence, when he called. I expected one conversation, and got a totally different one. It was one which left me totally…Gobsmacked. Suddenly I am listening to him read me like a fucking book and saying,”Why do you have to come here, why can’t I come there?” Ya’ll can laugh (or is that y’all?), but the more I started thinking about going there…the more that damn New Madrid Fault is really fucking with me. Especially as I watch some of the things the news really is not reporting; like giant sinkholes popping up.

I personally think that the Earth is going through massive changes. I think shit that has happened before, is going to happen again. I also think the Earth is expanding.

As above, so below. As the universe expands…so do we… we being Earth. If you follow the things TPTB don’t see fit to disclose, it sort of makes Clif High’s recent shape reports make sense. (Do your own research there, I’m not spelling out my crazy for people anymore)

That’s it for now. I’ll start getting more into writing as life resettles down, but for now my plans have changed, so my direct course of action has changed as well and I am now off to see what sort of, “Let’s stay here” magic I can make happen.

PS. Spell check accepts, y’all, not ya’ll.

Yes

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Closure

Today, I woke early and was watching tv on my phone while still in bed. I heard a text come in and assumed it was my boy friend. When I looked a bit later I was saddened to see that it was someone I split with eleven months ago after two plus years and two separate assaults.
I called my bf and asked for advice. I was not sure if I should continue to ignore his texts or ask/tell him to stop. I’m tired of all these months later of getting sweet love notes from a guy who once told me I’d never have the respect his dog had.

After weighing the pros and cons I surprised myself and called him. He was excited to hear from me, he misses me and wants to see me.

I said many, many things I’ve wanted to say, including that if I were the Queen that he thought he treated me like, I’d have had his head served to him on a silver platter for the things he did.

I asserted myself.
He acknowledged what he did to me and owned it.

Did he mean it?

I don’t know, but I needed to hear it from him.
Closure isn’t something someone else can give you. Its something you yourself have to participate in and I am glad I grabbed at mine this morning.

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