You have to do what you’re doing and get through it before you process it.
Someone said this to me recently, and it keeps ringing in my head because that is what I have been doing since March of 2013. It is at the point now, where it is really wearing thin on me. When this ends, I feel like my whole body; core and all will release an earth shattering shudder.
Some of the processing has started, but it isn’t comfortable here so I keep it to a minimum. The biggest thing I have learned is that perhaps I went a little crazy when I decided to live my life in the energy of love, but I did not become mentally unhinged and I am not unstable. In fact, my going crazy caused my instability to stabilize. I just stood inches away from an ugly, distorted face, screaming at me that I am a bitch, a horrifying bitch, a fucking whore, a bully, and accused of “beating her up”, and I didn’t fucking react. ME. I may have raised my voice assertively, but I didn’t scream, and I have never hit, touched, pushed, nor beat up the ginger. I have excelled at walking away over the last year.
Now, how do you project love, back at someone who so obviously has no self-love? It has been really difficult, especially when I am walking away thinking, “You horrifying mentally unstable red-headed cunt! I want to bash your face in with a steel chair! Just shut the fuck up and stop the flap trap nagging!” I think though, that as I sit here this morning, it kind of dawns on me that I know her traumas. In fact, I have been pondering using her traumas against her just to shut her up the next time she decides to start nagging at me. For me to ponder this, is s testament to how far she has pushed me, because I know I would have to say just two things in order to snap her like a twig. It would be very, very cruel of me and I honestly feel bad for having had the thought, but this is my reaction to living with an abusive, miserable, and hateful person. I can only be called a bitch, whore, or bully…so many ways before I am tempted to give her what she wants. A horrifying bitch, might take her seven thousand dollars worth of receipts and go to the IRS with them to inform them of some unreported income, as well as report the income from a catering gig for a friend and tribe member of mine.
I have done none of these things, and it comes to me that maybe all I have to do is see her traumas for what they are. They are where she is stuck. I lived my life for over a decade, trapped in my traumas. It wasn’t until I lovingly released them that I found my peace.
I can see her as a human struggling for something she doesn’t understand, and I can feel empathy and love for that person, but I still have some issues with the screaming bitch that likes to plant herself in my face and hurl hate. Living in love, doesn’t entitle others to treat me like shit and expect I’ll just keep turning the other cheek. I am allowed to ASSERT myself and if need be, DEFEND myself.
I am very proud at myself on more than one level for not dancing the dance Ginger wants to dance. I’m also proud I haven’t bought into her bullshit list of who she sees me as, because I understand when you are stuck in the roll of the victim, you see everyone as your enemy, even those who initially wanted to be a help.
Shape and stretch dough, then because it is the first pizza, made with Ginger, on my stone, with a virginal paddle, in her oven; which I am still learning…we dress the dough and get it in, without taking pictures. She worked the first dough and paddles it in. I removed it.
pepperoni, ham, artichoke hearts, black olives on half, mushrooms, salami, crushed red pepper, jalapeno, feta cheese and cheese. We added fresh tomatoes after it cooked. It was delicious. It was the first time we cooked together and it was very intuitive for each of us.
We totally bonded.
The Bliss Junkie and I got all my stuff out of storage, anything still there, I need to get donated by the 15th.
Today was a very, very, very nice day and I am happy. Not just content, but happy.
Yours in absolute gratitude and love,
I’ve got most of my stuff unpacked. CD’s and DVD’s are still in boxes till I start the hauling in of book cases, dressers, CD rack, etc..
Ginger and I meet in the kitchen throughout the day and dance, or we meet out back in the smoking lounge. There is a really nice vibe here with her. I feel no pressure. She doesn’t want anything from me other than my rent. She’s not angry at the world or directing it at me. She’s happy to have new kitchen gadgets (a ricer, a lemon reamer as opposed to a juicer, my Schlemmertopf) to use that she didn’t have before I came.
I wish Mr. K was around to tell and share this with, but just like he did when I was 17, he’s checked out. I’m sorry he is living the cycle of depression, it does sadden me, but it doesn’t define me. I will always be here for him if he decides to come up for air. I owe him such a huge thank you. I had no idea I could experience that kind of intense happy. It was truly a gift and I will always hold him in my heart as I have for the last 30 years. I’ve loved him since I was 17 and that hasn’t changed, but we are not going to be what either of us hoped for. I have to just give him my absolute love and gratitude. I don’t hold it against him for not being “it”, but I thank him for reminding me of a time before it all went so…traumatizing. That was so healing and I wish I could return it.
There is a whole “new life” waiting for me to create and play in and I am looking forward to it.
Tomorrow I go to my job helping Fritz. Then after that, it is time to move. This is my last night at mom’s place. I love mom, but I can’t wait and I bet she can’t either.
This time tomorrow afternoon, I shall be loading my car. I’m almost excited, but I don’t think it will really hit me till I actually start pulling stuff out of storage and going through boxes I haven’t been in, in over three years.
How much of that crap will I really need? I see lots of trips to donation centers. I wish there was a “free store” here where I could GIVE my things to people, and other would TAKE me things, free of charge. I realize there is overhead, but that surely can be minimized.
I saved 20% off our QB payroll subscription service today. 20% isn’t much, but at least when I call each year and squeak, they oil me. I also looked at two different laptops to purchase for work today. I usually swear by Dell, but managed to build a pretty nice one at Toshiba. I saved in the area of Anti Virus. They can put the trial version of whatever (NAV) on there, but I will never execute it. I use free AV. Saved enough I was able to get a decent three-year bells and whistles warranty and tech support for my PC illiterate boss (MacGirl).
Well, not much else going on. I miss my best friend and am once again playing with the idea of Texas. Somethings, are consistent…best friends are that. I need to at a minimum, get to a visit with her soon.
I’m going to go rest my body for a bit, then pack a few boxes.