Monthly Archives: May 2013
My last relationship REALLY went really deep into my past. I mean issues from so far back in my childhood came up. It was amazing, because I remembered that it wasn’t ALWAYS pure shit, but I remembered a lot of painful things I buried.
I found my second boyfriend. I was 17. He was my first love and first real relationship. He was the last really good person in my life before I walked down some very dark corridors of life. I am sure that is why I went so far back into my “emotional void” when he got depressed and disappeared into his depression.
I’ve accepted that we gave it another shot and it didn’t work, but there has been a lot of emotion I am not allowing myself to feel. Probably because I have ingrained myself so thoroughly the last few years to live in the positive, rejecting all negative. To allow myself to cry and feel appropriate hurt or anger, therefore, feels like failure. I know it is not. I just don’t like going negative. For me it is like the alcoholic who can’t have one more drink. It’s easy for me to go there and stay there. Particularly with anger. I guess you could say I am a recovering rage-o-holic.
In trying to process this last one, I have also thought about a lot of my ex-lovers. I pride myself on being able to still say something nice about them. The Toaster, made delicious coffee. Black Coffee in Bed reminds me of him. We would “music” together, have awesome sex, and share perfect coffee. He probably remains the love of my life and we were two terribly wounded souls who just couldn’t be together.
Mr. New York was so smart and saw me as smart. He stimulated my mind in ways no other guy has ever done, he had great hands…beautiful to be exact. He let me spend hours watching his hands, in black and white. They were just SO beautiful. He was funny as could be and he woke my spirituality and we reached an intimacy through that I have never known elsewhere. I still crave that.
The face breaker, with him I was wild, uninhibited (for a while) we would music, though there was little intimacy to it like I’ve known. He woke me up after many years of slumber. He was my desire.
But the one who really stands out, I cannot explain. Lovers, I know we are not meant to be, but this man…we cooked well together, we laughed till we cried or, I blew coca-cola OUT my nose (in front of his horrified mother while he stood behind her doing a victory dance), we talked about things, even if we had different views, we would music together, in the most intimate ways. I still have songs that will freeze me in my tracks and warm me down to my very soul at the memory of being loved like that. I still love this man deeply and as I think of him and write, I have tears sitting in my eyes, well they were in my eyes.
The last one, I can not elaborate on yet, like the others. But I did get to the start of some musings, and that is a good thing. I’m getting unstuck and heading to peaceful resolution. I also know that I can still go there. I know another person won’t make me whole, heal me, patch me. I seem to be doing that on my own.
For all before as well as what is ahead of me, I love you.
There is a heaviness. I’m dancing and dancing, and yet I am not shaking it from the tree.
I feel assaulted.
I can’t imagine this was intended, but abandonment lurks beneath the surface. I feel discarded and disposed of, and it hurts.
And the anger. The appropriate anger, I deny myself. So I fester.
This isn’t healthy for me, and yet I won’t cry it out, or scream it out. I have repeatedly tried to handle myself with grace and compassion, and in doing so…I get none back.
You selfish fucker. And I won’t say this to your fragile, emotional being because I care. I don’t want to break you.
One day, you WILL have to own your actions, and then it will be for you to deal with. I’m sure I will forgive you. I forgave the guy who broke my eye and left me with an implant. You just shattered my heart and though I feel an absolute fool for trusting you, I don’t regret being open. I guess I just regret I bought the lie, because you weren’t truthful.
I need to take a load off.
I think if anything, your words telling me how you never wanted to hurt me, haunt me. That feeling I had, wrapped in your arms, believing your words of love and protection of my heart were sincere, now make me sad. I don’t WANT to be sad, and I don’t want to feel disposable. I won’t be these things.
Not for long anyway.
God I just want a hug.
I went a little crazy, so there are many aspects of this movie I can relate to. It’s not that a simple little Hollywood flick can sum it up with a happy ending, but it felt good to watch two people; plus the village it took to help mold them, face their breaks, cracks, flaws, and pain together.
He lost his wife when he came home and found her in she shower fucking a co-worker to their wedding song. He went nuts and beat the shit out of the lover. He wound up in a psych ward. She lost her husband via death and began fucking everyone at work and wound up a slut.
Both wind up at their parent’s after the traumas.
They meet at a dinner his friend and her sister have. They both wear their crazy openly and a connection is born. She tricks him into finding something to focus on, by telling him she can get a letter to his wife, who left him and placed a restraining order against him while in his crazy. No one else, is willing to do this law-breaking act for him. He wants to explain how he has discovered positivity, is his key.
His dad is OCD and is temporarily a bookie while unemployed, his mother is an enabler and desperate. Part of dad’s OCD is the belief his team’s luck is tied to the relationship he has with his son. After a heavy bet on a game and his team loses, we find out, as does the entire village a bet has been made for double or nothing on the thing She has tricked Him into focusing on.
To win this thing of focus, they have to get a ten, but they are first time competitors so this, is not likely. A parlay is added to the bet, meaning two bets are made and BOTH bets have to be won. The bet is that 1) A certain team will win 2) They will score at least a five in the thing of focus. The money involved, was enough for Dad to open a restaurant.
Some would say they failed, and the audience, fellow competitors and, judges do not understand their, or their tribe’s reaction to a five out of ten.
Sometimes, a five is just better than a ten.
If I have left you with questions, then go rent this movie.
The last year plus, I have been miserable at work. I have tried and tried to be flexible and accommodating, but wound up feeling taken advantage of and bullied.
The last month and a half, it has gotten worse. It almost seemed like my boss thinks she has me by the balls now that I have moved out of mom’s and NEED the employment.
It stewed and stewed and over the last five days, I totally forced things to a head by my inability to feel bullied anymore.
I have lived in a very narrow range of acceptable the last two years. Even the shit, I have looked at in the best possible light, but this situation forced my hand and I lost my ability to be non-judgmental and forgiving. I lost my ability to be detached enough to not jump in and play the game.
This morning we had a two-hour fight. It was brutal, but I actually got her to own some stuff and I didn’t get fired. I can’t wait though to find something else.
My truest, truest desire…the thing that will bring me a sense of doing something that matters, is to start bee-keeping. I am serious! I know very little about bee-keeping, but that is what I want to do. That is what brings passion .
I am currently looking at one job making beeswax products. I will be so thrilled when this happens.
I did good. Sometimes I guess you have to put the gloves back on and duke it out. It was good to stand up for myself. It was good to get quiet each time I was told to stop interrupting, and then speak up again as soon as she started to speak. I needed her to see herself in a manner that I see her and I needed to be defiant and stand my ground.
I am glad today is over. I’m asking Universe to bring me closer to the bees though.
I’ve been quiet lately, but that’s been a good thing. I have had some really nice things happen since the catering job.
I’ve just quietly enjoying the good, and letting the shitty, slide off my back like water from a duck.
All is well. Even the stuff that wants to drag me down, I give little credence to.