I changed the theme. I think it’s a push for me to start writing again.
I’m also going to write really honestly.
Here are some truths.
I miss The Girl. I am pretty sure she knows this. I’ve never stopped loving her, though I fear her intensely because at one time, she had the power, and used it to try and hurt me. It worked. I’d love to have a relationship with her, but I also fear it. Trust and all.
I am moving on in life after so many losses, but in all honesty if I die today, I am pretty OK with that. I don’t think I am courting death, but maybe I am. I’m not going to the doctor and I have some pretty serious things going on with my body. Do I ignore it longer and go till I drop, or do I go to the doctor?
I’m not really into more of the same. I have kind of had enough of the loss.
I am probably more closed off than ever, because to let anyone in that close would mean to trust, and I am very, very, very careful about who I hand actual trust to.
On the other side, I know the things I have experienced, seen and felt, to be true. It’s just that life hit me so hard I fell off the path. I’ve not gone back to that same hateful person, but there is this wall of protection around me and when you live like that, you aren’t really living at all. You’re sitting around, waiting for it to be done. My life has felt like the last act, of a bad play, that will not fucking end.
But still I am waiting. I don’t know for what, but I am waiting.
I’m thinking I know what I personally need to do, but I have procrastinated because to jump back into it means work and I know that with so much hidden emotion and denied feeling, it’s going to be heavy. It can’t be any heavier than keeping all this shit inside me, can it?
There are things I am totally happy about also.
I love my little apartment. I love that the things I do in my life, are mine. I do them when I want and no one criticizes me, tells me I am wrong, disapproves, or hits me.
I love my few friends I have kept. These are the people I trust and am comfortable with.
Yesterday, I read something I wrote a few moths before the stroke. How odd. As things were getting better and I was happy because of Mr. Yummy, my move, my job, my soaring spiritual awakening, there was a point I admitted I feared what was coming. In all honesty I seriously thought The Girl was about to make an appearance and I wasn’t sure I could do it. That would have been so much easier than losing Mel, Mr. Yummy and Arie. All within a short time span. Back to back. It felt so cruel. it made me ask if I was a good person? I sort of began to doubt my value. I forgot I am what I am and deserve what I deserve, as do you.
What a crazy summer it has been.
I wound up asking Mr. Yummy to come hang with me for a few days, so he was here Monday and Tuesday. I was getting better, but I am on a really strong antibiotic (keflex), which makes me light-headed, on top of being light-headed from an infection, and light-headed from pain pills; so it was good to have
someone him here.
It was VERY hard for me to ask him to give that time from him to me. There is still a small part of me who thinks,”Who are you to him to ask this of him?” I know I am his friend, so I guess it doesn’t matter because I asked, and he did it. It just makes me love him a little more.
I returned to work today, for the first time since last Wednesday. They are very kind there. In appreciation of their kindness…I’m getting a freaking flu shot this year.
I’ve been falling asleep with the sliding door open at night, the screen I shut. It’s SO hot and the hot flashing keeps me out of my room, in the living room, with the big fan on and the door open. I know that isn’t the smartest thing in the world even though I am on the second floor, so Mr. Yummy made it safe for me to leave the slider part way open and tonight, it is almost cool enough to shut the apartment up.
Sadly, as one infection clears up, another from the antibiotics starts. I’ve got three more days of antibiotics, then I have a pill for the next infection. Hopefully in a week, I will feel better. Right now I’m really tired, and slightly traumatized by what just happened to my body.
Sleep, it does a body good.