I still over think things. I still get afraid, angry, frustrated and the whole host of emotions that are not the best vibrational plane to live within. The difference is that now, I do not live there. I am more able to look at the emotion, relate it to what in the past is triggering it, and tell myself to get back to the here and now.
I feel in control of my emotions in ways I have never felt before. It is not that I want to THANK my ex boyfriend for shattering my orbital floor, then a year later, assaulting me. It’s not that I want to THANK my daughter, who I unconditionally love, for refusing to have a relationship with me, but telling me I was going to be a grandmother, then not letting me see my grandson before he died. But I don’t honestly know it I would be where I am today had the assault not happened within 12 hours of learning of my grandson’s death.
I simply broke. I could get no lower. I hit, what they call, rock bottom. For me there were two places to go. Death or life. In choosing life, I accepted that forgiving everyone and loving every single person I meet or cross paths, or FEEL on this Earth, in this Universe and, beyond…that I had gone crazy.
My brain knows that Trauma= Love is not a typical, nor sane reaction. But for me, it has worked and in weird ways, I am grateful for whatever it took to get me here. My heart and soul know that it IS right. My soul knows that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Within this human experience is the loss of spirituality. Religion has taught us to ignore the spiritual. It became evil and silly in the eyes of the church. You disconnect the people from the spirit, which I believe KNOWS instinctively how things work outside of the human experience and you control them with religion.
I say that, and I can hear people think that because I don’t have religion, I can’t be in touch with God. Those people would be wrong, but then they might be thinking from the place that the church rules. I am free to think whatever of God, my Creator, the Source of all or whatever you need to call it.
Since I have come to this insanely sane place…I manage my emotions a lot differently. Part of it is the belief we are one, part of it is knowing we all have had traumas and I can forgive that. Realizing the whole trauma thing, was what FINALLY led me to the most important forgiveness one person can give…forgiveness of myself.
I know what my human experience has been for up to this point, as well as what it is here and now. Knowing all this has made it much easier to manage my emotions.
I am grateful.
I’ve known for a few years, there is a next step to this spiritual journey I have been on. I just wasn’t sure when it would come, and I sense it arriving.
I want to prep for it and I am not sure how to do it so I’ll start with being nicer to my body and my spirit. I’ll work a little harder at trying to stay in the now and not hang on to the past. I will try to worry less about the future, and appreciate the things I am experiencing in the now. Mostly I will remember that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and there is more out there that we don’t see, in our human state.
I’m open to cleansing and prep suggestions. I never intentionally set out to “go this far” when I initially snapped, but since I really believe we create our human reality, that would be an incorrect statement, being that my whole snap was about radical self change.
We don’t go any further, don’t fall madly in love again, or it just isn’t meant to be you…I hope it’s you.
You will no matter what, remain the love of my life, in the romantic arena. And oh how deeply I have loved and continue to love you. You are, dare I say; sacred.
However, in the event Universe has other plans for the boo of my life. I am open to that kind of intense, genuine, incredible, deep, passionate and, breathtaking love, we have known.
It has been just over two years that I had a profound change in how I look at life and my place here, in Universe. At the time I called it going crazy, because I did not think it was sane to react to repeated trauma with unconditional love.
At first, it was so intense feeling love and seeing it in everything, incorporating it into everything, and moving into a loving state of living was effortless. Then after about a year, I felt like I was less connected to everything. I struggled to not let others bring me down to what feels like, a lower vibrational level.
Yet, I still kept putting love out there. I still kept the intent of love incorporated in the theme of my life.
People I would have normally engaged with, I walked away from when the vibe wasn’t pleasant.
I have found closure on many, many things. I don’t even think closure is the right word. I believe peace, is the correct term. I am not so sure I believe in closure, since I see life as a perfect circle…always coming back to the starting point while encompassing all.
Some of my intent is coming to fruition, and some is still simmering, but I am happy that I went crazy.
I have done quite a bit of work the last few years on all that shit I have carried with me for almost five decades.
How did I not wind up in a rubber room?
I guess in one way, I did. Self imposed, self-defeating, self-sabotaging, self-isolating, never to really connect with another on a level that was healthy. Anything good, was not self-sustaining, took work to keep it good, and I just didn’t know where those skills were in me.
Somehow, it was always just about me and my needs. Anyone I was with needed to have the same passions as me, and the lines between them and me, always blurred and I would lose myself trying to manipulate a situation to go my way, because that was the right way, the only way.
I was a child in a woman’s body, years before I grew up and I didn’t even have the basic understanding of math, nor the realization there is always more than one way to solve an equation.
When I “recovered myself” the painful death, wound up actually being a beautiful metamorphosis. I feel extremely lucky to have experienced such an awakening. I found such a peace and gained an understanding of human capacity. There need be no limit. Limit is imposed on us from birth to the point, we don’t need someone there to limit us, we become adept at self limitation.
Though I still have a few unresolved relationships, I have tried to see the hurt for what it is. Usually it is a reflection of myself, that I have helped manifest. When I see my issues for what they are, it is easier to smile at myself and accept my own fears.
My load, is incredibly lighter these days.