Still Here

And I miss you like crazy. Sometimes I still can’t breathe.

How can this be?

The two oldest are coming over Christmas Eve and staying the night. We are going to make your fondant and chill Auntie style. Christmas day, I will make them a turkey dinner.

It seems to make sense to spend the day together and I hope that till they are married, and have familes to be with, they continue to spend the day with me.

Is that selfish of me? I know the day will suck for them and can’t imagine them wanting to be with dad and step monster. I know the say will suck for me and I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts of losing you.

I really miss you and hate that you fucking died. I’m also tired of being a functioning destroyed person. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let anyone get close to me again.

I.

Just.

Fucking.

Miss.

You.