Love

78316_181651665182447_2563949_o 20150106_084337 77623_181651165182497_6669244_o 77106_175137129169903_2818604_nWith your loves.

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I Lived to See…

Dear Mel,

I never thought I would live to see certain things.

I never thought I would live to see a black president. We both saw that.

I never thought I would see marijuana legal. We both lived to see it legal in MY state, it has yet to go nationwide, but we saw the start, together.

I never thought I would live to see the day when gay and lesbian couples could marry. I lived to see it. You did not. And you didn’t live to see us finish the fight for transgender folks. You knew that for me, the fight wouldn’t be over with just partial equality, right? I have a partner in that fight. You know her, in fact you molded her and her sense of fairness is a direct reflection of you. How I love you both.

I miss you, but I am starting to smile and laugh more and more my love. I DID talk to you this morning about something. I said it out loud out on the porch, because I can’t say it here. I hope you heard me, in the vast state of everything you are now. I think of how, if your energy returned to our source, that now instead of being petite and tiny, you are huge and massive now. You’re part of everything, from the tiniest particle to the largest part of Universe. So I assume you heard me in one way or another, and you will do what you can.

Mr. Yummy came home last night and he’s gone again today. He literally came home in time to go to bed, but somehow, we managed to have fun regardless. He’s gone back to The Island today to continue working on the food truck he went to Texas to get right after you died, for his daughters business. She gave a guy 30 grand to do the electrical. Guess who is out fixing his work now?

I’m getting used to the fact that he’s gone a lot in the summer and I’ll get most of my best snuggles come the fall and winter. I also am feeling more comfortable with the whole touching thing again. It was the night before he took off to start work on the daughter’s truck, only I didn’t know he was leaving the next day. I was laying there having anxiety wanting to reach out and just hold his hand as I fell asleep and having total anxiety over it, so I told him as much. He sighed and told me I worry too much. Then he reached out and grabbed my hand. I would have been happy just holding hands, but when his hands wandered, all bets were off. We are so good there. Always have been. I just hope we catch up to being as good in other areas. Surprisingly, I’m doing well with my own insecurities and facing them down.

Still I miss you. Friday after the SCOTUS handed down their decision I was at work thinking, “I can’t believe you didn’t live to see this…or menopause, but mainly THIS. I started to get weepy. Carrie, the production manager came in and said the company wants to take a #LoveWins photo for instagram. It made me cry when she told me just because of the timing of wishing I could share the Historical moment with you. I explained, she gave me a hug and if you look close in the picture, you can see the tissue still in my hand. I am SO proud to work for the company I work for. I give you…my work tribe.11140066_860172957369757_2033977047312174659_n(1)

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If a government is able to show more compassion than your church, maybe you should join another church

iwentcrazy:

Welcome back to the blogging world!

Originally posted on Margaret and Helen:

Margaret, the news has just been fast and furious this week.  One fugitive dead and one still on the run.  ISIS attacks in France, Kuwait and Tunisia.  Donald Trump becoming the new leader of  the Tea Party.   I wonder what flag that Confederacy of Dunces will fly now that the Stars and Bars is being removed?  Oh and something about a trade bill being passed and God hating America.   That last one seems to be getting the most play over on Fox News.  Never in my life did I think I would live long enough to see the gays persecuting the Christians instead of the other way around.   That was actually a Fox Exclusive!

I read somewhere that Glen Beck has 10,000 to 20,000  pastors ready to die before gay marriage would become legal.   Funny.  I haven’t seen any obituaries printed.  Religious conviction has its limits I guess…

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Strange Happenings

So, I did something I am sort of shocked at, but don’t regret. I invited Jack, as in ass (I’m using that because you know who I am talking about, not to insult him) to your memorial. Your uncle sent the invites so he can’t reply to me. He will either show up, or not and I won’t know till the day of your memorial. I didn’t tell your uncle to include The Girl, or not. I didn’t even address it. My only real thought was him, and the fact that you, your ex, my ex, and you, were all good friends for a while and I just feel he should know.

If he comes, I will say the things I have wanted to say since 2011. If he doesn’t come, those things won’t change, I will just have to live with knowing he doesn’t know.

Miss you.

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6 months / what I wanted to tell Flo today (9/6/15):

iwentcrazy:

I read this and was crying, because…I don’t know why. Maybe because I realized she lost Flo the day after I lost Mel? Maybe because I know her pain? Maybe because sometimes it still overwhelms me. Either way, I watched the video and am choosing. to take it as some good advice. For today, and today alone, because I am taking it day at a time, I choose to shake it off.

Originally posted on letters to Flo:

6 months ago, I assumedthe rest of my life would be horrible, but I couldn’t imagineanything more specific than that. I literally couldn’t imagine a future without you. you used to say, “we livedthrough our senior school, we can make it through anything.” it wasn’t true. you died from one of the few completelycurable cancers. there were times I honestly thought I’d die from grief, but I didn’t. and I’ve been doing this life that I couldn’t imagine for 6 months now.

I’m proud of myself, but it’s pride in you that got me here. the memories of your inspiring bravery, your kind generosity, your complete lack of self-pity, your goofy, excitable, compassionate, uninhibited, totally genuine nature. I stayed okay (if we’re calling baseline human function okay, and I think we ought to when we’re talking about somebody who’s lost somebody) because I love you so much, andI’m so proud…

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Music

And then suddenly a song comes on and I see bits of Texas Hell, and I am crying again, whispering to you, “How can you just be gone?”

I think back to the many nights spend in the homes I have known you in since 1989. I remember how we would usually go out to dinner. I always finished first, especially after you had your jaw broken and wired shut. Even after you were back on solids you would eat slow. We would have a drink or two, much less than we always set out to do.

Back to your place we would go. Staying up all night smoking, lightly drinking and talking. I remember sitting on the floor in front of the TV, or in your room on your bed, with the tv on, talking. Talking and talking for hours on end about everything in our lives, past, present, and hopes for the future. I remember talking till my eyes were rolling in my head, not wanting to fall asleep on you because I might miss something.

There was always that feeling with you. I have to get it all in, out, said heard, because I might miss something. I’d always fall asleep first. You would always sleep longer. Those are the hours I would get on whatever computer you had and fix things. You can’t connect to your router? No problem, I’ll call Comcast and pretend to be you. I know enough about you I am sure I can answer their questions. I would, and you would wake up later, we would have coffee, and I would lecture you about your computer and your children’s use of it. Oh, and passwords. “Mel, password is NOT a safe password!”

I can see your peaceful face, sleeping though your alarms, your ringing phone, your children screaming and then your eyes would open and the day could start.

This used to always be my song. Every bar I ever tended in, customers would play this for me, but now when I hear it…I hear a song and it makes me think of a girl I used to know, I sing along when I hear it the radio”

I miss you.

eyes

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Breaking Ice

Dear Mel,

This is one of those days where I have so much to tell you.

My three times step brother was just here. He came up from LA and is looking for property here. I wasn’t going to ask if he could stay here, but then when he sat at the table looking for hotels, I grew a pair and asked if he can stay. He of course, said yes.

He stayed Wednesday through this morning, Saturday. I took Friday off, took him to meet my little sister, since last he saw her, she was in diapers. He gave me a good self check Friday night, and I was stunned when I left him here and went to the store for 15 minutes, he got Mr. Yummy to say that he knows I love him. He also learned the things I know, He’s into a simple life, living to be happy, no drama, and he has people (family) he loves and are important (his riding buddies) to him.

I wasn’t surprised he found out that stuff, but I about fell over when he said, “He knows you love him.” I asked, “How do you know?” he replied that Mr. Yummy told him. I just sat there thinking, “I was only gone fifteen freaking minutes!” I didn’t ask what else was said. I didn’t dig, or push.

I slept in his bed Wednesday night. I stayed far on my side to the edge. I awoke mid way through the night and he was really close to me and we were holding hands. It scared me so I pulled away and said I was sorry as I rolled over. Thursday I went to bed first and slept all night, I felt him almost spoon me once.

Here it is two days later. I had to stop writing, because I felt overwhelmed.

Lots has changed inside of me, though looking at my actual life, not much really has changed. It’s just me that is changing.

Not too long ago I expressed what it would be like to want to call you because I had happy news, and not just sad fucking bull-shit. Today, Monday the 8th of June (See that irony? The 8th. That means you died 6 months ago today) is the first day I wanted to call you with GOOD news. I got my review today, and got a small raise. Not a big one, but we are a small company so I am OK with small ($1.00 an hour).

I couldn’t call you, so I called Mini Me.

Gawd, I want her home.

My brother being here, seemed to break the ice at home. Maybe it did nothing. Maybe it just helped push a change in me. Whatever the reason, I am grateful. I desperately need to take my life, and control of it, back from the land your death took it too. I’m not really feeling too guilty about this, because I know, my dearest friend…that my living, must go on. Otherwise? What’s the fucking purpose? I truly believe that I am a spiritual being, having a human experience. You taught me, the ultimate, in human loss of someone unconditionally loved, on both sides. I wish to fucking God that ANYONE but you (how’s that for throwing other friends under the bus?) had taught me that. I do realize though, that only YOU could teach me this, because of who you are/were/have been/always will be to me. Still, I hate it and look forward to the day my energy comes to you, because it will.

So I got my snuggle on Friday night. It was nice. And frightening. Though nice. I got my review today and a raise. That was nice. Realizing today is 6 months was still a breath-catcher. I’m never going to be the same, but I will adjust to this new normal in my life. I have to.

I will always be there for the kids. Even if I can’t financially care for them like I wish I could. I will always have room and time for them and I will love them like they are my kids, because they have always been kinda my kids, because of you.

I miss you MORE, not less as time goes by, but I’m coping and I am learning once again, how fucking strong I am.

I love you always.

Sick n Sin,

CDS

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