A Place to Call My Own

I did it.

All mine. The responsibilities and the freedoms. I’m having the boys over for Christmas. It is so weird knowing that I say the boys, knowing you know I mean two of your boys. I’ll never forget TXR, even though he will me. I know he will remember his siblings.

Christmas is coming, like it or not. I’d rather not sink. I’d like to believe you’d rather I not sink. All of the pain and sadness will never go away, but I am willing to lean into my new reality and forge the next phase.

There is no Mr. Y and I am so very OK with that. I had to know and now… I do. I wish him well, resent his actions and love him anyway. From afar, like I am supposed to. He was the best and the worst and so was I.

Mom is coming over later. I’m going to make her dinner. I miss you and love you.

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Dear Mel

I’ve wanted to write you for so long now, but just haven’t let myself do so. So much to say, so much has changed, and I’ll never be the same.

I’m not over you and I am accepting I never will be. I’m not walking around crying all the time and it doesn’t consume me 24/7 like the first year, but the wound has not healed. Sean is gone. He pretty much checked out when you had the stroke. He didn’t even wait for you to die. As soon as I went into my best friend is dying mode, he checked out because it didn’t fit with his carefree, no responsibility, my joy comes from my bike and a bottle, lifestyle. Do I regret it? No, I had to know and now I do. It is a relief to have let go of the last 16 years of loving and missing a memory.

In the midst of losing everyone close to me, I lost my job. Girl, I got fired. Never have I been fired and it totally fucked with my sense of worth. I got fired June 20th and was back to employment by September 1st. The day I got fired, I was headed to sign a lease on a great house. I couldn’t pull the trigger knowing I lost my job, so I am again, without my own doors. The goal is to be moved before December. I;m waiting for my sister to get back from an out of town job and then, we look again. They boys are going to help me move, though they don’t know it completely yet.

I miss our talks and our laughs. You, as my soul mate, fed my soul. It misses you, as do I. I can’t help but feel like you knew it was time to check out.Can you believe the state of the world? Trump is the GOP Nominee. The DNC stole the election from Sanders. Republicans have been invading the party of the donkey and they have become the new Dempublicans. It’s a free for all on Black lives, because we SAY #BlackLivesmatter, but you know us, our words and actions differ. We ain’t woke yet.

The last Indian Wars have started. Currently we have #StandingRock, #BakkenPipelineReistance, #MississippiStand, all protecting the fact that #WaterIsLife and the people say #NoDAPL. I pray we #GetWoke. If not, I’ll be joining you a lot sooner, than I thought.

I feel such guilt at NOT being at Standing Rock.screenshot_2016-07-16-16-40-53

Someone in my family had this done. This is NOT MY DNA test, but that of an older sibling so since we have the same parents…I personally think this test is not accurate for what I want to know. I also don’t trust anyone who just wants to sell me a membership. We talked about this when you were alive. You knew the reasons I wanted the multi thousand dollar test verses the ones from genealogy sites The Native Signature is there. I AM Indigenous. I’ll never know my tribe and I remain a split feather, but it’s there. The fight is now Spanish or Mexican. My sister denounces any Mexican blood, but since “Mexican” is the result of rape by Spaniards and the Nican Tlaca, I identify for now, as NicanTlaca, Indigenous and European.

I miss your huge tiny being. My new job (Driving for a catering company) gives me a lot of time to think about you. I think about you EVERY DAY multiple times a day. I sometimes carry your ashes with me. I haven’t snorted them yet.

I really miss you my love. I will leave you for now, with images close to my heart.

Forever yours,

CDS

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Fucking Angry

So,  I appreciate any attempt at stopping DAPL. But I don’t appreciate doing it while culturally appropriating what isn’t your culture.

The drumming isn’t correct,  the headdress is inauthentic. By the way,  women don’t wear them.  The chanting? WTF?!

What the fuck? Can’t you support the issue from the point of fact that you drink water also?

Our land had been taken. Our families stolen, split up, white washed and assimilated.  Do you have to steal our culture too?

This person is NOT honoring Indigenous people! She us insulting us, making a mockery of our life,  all to play pretindian.

It’s not OK. If you want to honor Indigenous people, LEARN. HEAR US, when we say we aren’t honored. STOP your friends when you see them appropriating our culture. TELL THEM, it leads to resentment and we LAUGH at them, while crying inside at how you see us.

That video, is maddening and is probably a good thing I can’t tell her what I think.

We aren’t costumes. You don’t blackface,  so don’t do the equivalent to us. I won’t feel friendly to you.

Support the water protectors, but stop playing Indian.  It’s super unbecoming and makes you looking like a shitty fucking ally.

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#NoDAPL – Part 3

My Experience at the Front Lines in Standing Rock I left Phoenix on the evening of September 1st, driving through a double rainbow that I believed to be Navajo blessings for good travel. I passed t…

Source: #NoDAPL – Part 3

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#NoDAPL – Part 3

#WaterIsLife
#Standing Rock
#NoDAPL

faithless Faith

My Experience at the Front Lines in Standing Rock

I left Phoenix on the evening of September 1st, driving through a double rainbow that I believed to be Navajo blessings for good travel. I passed through my home in Window Rock and picked up my friend Paul from Denver on the 2nd. We headed through Nebraska and South Dakota, crossing countless traditional territories and Reservation boundaries, weaving across the prairie. We kept driving on through the night until we arrived in Cannon Ball the morning of Saturday, September 3rd. Paul and I come from very separate social communities, yet we had both been exposed to the #NoDAPL fight through some degree of the Native Grapevine. However, we knew the coverage was incredibly limited; so limited, in fact, that mainstream media had failed to truly cover the story at that point in our journey. I…

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46

Happy Birthday. I’m going to meet the two oldest.77106_175137129169903_2818604_n

I miss you everyday.

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Long Time

I may soon be able to write. But right now, I just need to go through it.

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