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Drifting

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I’ve not been writing, not really reading others, working as usual, actually missing less time now that things have “settled down” and I’m back on a schedule, have no bugs, and no common cold, nor pneumonia.

So how am I doing, nine months after my friend had herself a merry little Strokemas? (Jesus, did I just type that and sing it in my head while doing so? I did.)

I am pretty crippled.

The last nine months have been the hardest nine months of my life. I feel abandoned by practically everyone. I can’t interact with people I have been really close to, without feeling abandoned by them. Isn’t THAT fucked up?

My friends, the people that love me, want to be able to say the magic words. I want someone to say the magic words. I want to know what the fucking magic words are!

The sad truth of the matter is that there is no magic anything anyone can say. I know this. They know this. And yet I am just terrified of losing other people. With some, I can feel the awkwardness of not knowing what to say to me, or how to deal with how I am so different. Yes, I am VERY different.

Melissa, was not my first best friend. I was 24 the first time I met her, She was 18. We became best friends when she married. I bar-tended her reception. We both got pregnant that year. I was 28 when I had my daughter. She was barely 22 when she had her son 6 weeks later. From the last trimester on, we were inseparable. Like I said though, she wasn’t my first BFF ever, but she was my soul mate and the loss of her, has really fucked me up.

I remember sitting by her bed, and realizing what was going on (the bigger picture) as I spent more time with her. I knew I was going to lose her. The bullet had already left the gun. It was then I realized that she was my soul mate. I’ll always remember the look on her face when I just started thinking my thoughts out loud to her. “You know what?” Her eyes got so big. I knew she was asking me “What?”  so I continued. ” I’ve always hated the word soul mate. Women use it in a serial manner with men. The word has been cheapened. Serial soul mates. I just realized that all this time, my soul mate has been right here with me.” Her brow furrowed. She closed her eyes and a tear fell out of her left eye, rolling down her cheek towards her ear. I wiped it, told her I loved her…the 11 days melt together. The traumas become fuzzier, but I get flashes of the weirdest things, that just drag me away with them. There remain things, I can not say. Not on the internet, and not with most people. But these things need out. They are eating me up. I can’t keep them and they won’t let go, so I am in desperate need of some help.

I know what I WANT to do, but it is not conventional, nor would my insurance cover, nor sanction it. It is not something I want to do on my own. I would need a guide to get me through what comes up and out.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. It doesn’t get better. It gets amplified. Sure I feel less RAW, but there is a hole, and there is nothing that fills it.

I can’t hear this and not think of her. I change the lyric appropriately. She was and is my hero, regardless of her faults and flaws. I loved her like no other. She wasn’t ordinary though, not to me.

I started writing, because I kept having a thought over and over and I really just wanted to type it out, so I’ll leave you with what I was craving to say:

I lost my best friend and cried for the rest of my life.

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Breaking Ice

Dear Mel,

This is one of those days where I have so much to tell you.

My three times step brother was just here. He came up from LA and is looking for property here. I wasn’t going to ask if he could stay here, but then when he sat at the table looking for hotels, I grew a pair and asked if he can stay. He of course, said yes.

He stayed Wednesday through this morning, Saturday. I took Friday off, took him to meet my little sister, since last he saw her, she was in diapers. He gave me a good self check Friday night, and I was stunned when I left him here and went to the store for 15 minutes, he got Mr. Yummy to say that he knows I love him. He also learned the things I know, He’s into a simple life, living to be happy, no drama, and he has people (family) he loves and are important (his riding buddies) to him.

I wasn’t surprised he found out that stuff, but I about fell over when he said, “He knows you love him.” I asked, “How do you know?” he replied that Mr. Yummy told him. I just sat there thinking, “I was only gone fifteen freaking minutes!” I didn’t ask what else was said. I didn’t dig, or push.

I slept in his bed Wednesday night. I stayed far on my side to the edge. I awoke mid way through the night and he was really close to me and we were holding hands. It scared me so I pulled away and said I was sorry as I rolled over. Thursday I went to bed first and slept all night, I felt him almost spoon me once.

Here it is two days later. I had to stop writing, because I felt overwhelmed.

Lots has changed inside of me, though looking at my actual life, not much really has changed. It’s just me that is changing.

Not too long ago I expressed what it would be like to want to call you because I had happy news, and not just sad fucking bull-shit. Today, Monday the 8th of June (See that irony? The 8th. That means you died 6 months ago today) is the first day I wanted to call you with GOOD news. I got my review today, and got a small raise. Not a big one, but we are a small company so I am OK with small ($1.00 an hour).

I couldn’t call you, so I called Mini Me.

Gawd, I want her home.

My brother being here, seemed to break the ice at home. Maybe it did nothing. Maybe it just helped push a change in me. Whatever the reason, I am grateful. I desperately need to take my life, and control of it, back from the land your death took it too. I’m not really feeling too guilty about this, because I know, my dearest friend…that my living, must go on. Otherwise? What’s the fucking purpose? I truly believe that I am a spiritual being, having a human experience. You taught me, the ultimate, in human loss of someone unconditionally loved, on both sides. I wish to fucking God that ANYONE but you (how’s that for throwing other friends under the bus?) had taught me that. I do realize though, that only YOU could teach me this, because of who you are/were/have been/always will be to me. Still, I hate it and look forward to the day my energy comes to you, because it will.

So I got my snuggle on Friday night. It was nice. And frightening. Though nice. I got my review today and a raise. That was nice. Realizing today is 6 months was still a breath-catcher. I’m never going to be the same, but I will adjust to this new normal in my life. I have to.

I will always be there for the kids. Even if I can’t financially care for them like I wish I could. I will always have room and time for them and I will love them like they are my kids, because they have always been kinda my kids, because of you.

I miss you MORE, not less as time goes by, but I’m coping and I am learning once again, how fucking strong I am.

I love you always.

Sick n Sin,

CDS

Break Night

Dear Mel,

It’s sunny tonight, it was an OK day. Traffic wasn’t bad. I’m taking Friday off so I know it’s a short week. I’m taking a writing break and grilling some steaks, making baked potato salad, and steamed broccoli. ( Baked potato salad, I know, right?).

I’ll give you a song today, but tonight, I take a writing break.

I love you.

You Probably Wouldn’t Believe (a lot of shit in my life right now)

Dear Mel,

I talked to your cousin today. You know the one who is like your foster-brother.

I have wanted to text/call/Facebook him so many times and I just don’t, because of your uncle. I’m sure you know what a sticky situation that is.

Your cousin regrets that you didn’t know that you could be real with him. He then told me, since you trusted me, he would too. He told me the same thing happened to him then he named a few other names.

Girl.

I love you.

I don’t know if you would approve of this friendship that is forming between your cousin and me. He has tons that he says he wants to say to me, and after all the crazy, and understanding why you kept friends and family separate, he feels safe. I told him about the horrible night. The  suction night. The Gown night. How I wanted to kill someone and walking away. How upsetting it is to me, that this is the last time I saw your beautiful almond-shaped eyes. They did smile at me in those last days. I do find peace in that, but it just sucks that the last time we locked eyes, was in that moment of fucking of trauma.

I remember asking you if you could feel me or anyone holding your hand when we were sitting with you. You were still on the life support and unable to nod. You blinked your eyes, slowly. Twice. I asked you if you could squeeze my hand, and you did.

I also remember the night that I whispered in your ear about your daughter. Knowing you needed to say you were sorry to her, helping you to be able to do that and hoping that I gave her some kind of peace and ability to not blame herself for the boat YOU captained. I remember looking at you and hearing you try to push air out and seeing your lips trying to move. I heard an “Uhhhhh” sound. I watched your lips and could see you purse your lips like you were trying to get sound out. I realized you were trying to tell your daughter, “I Love You”. I asked you if you that was what you were trying to say. We were at the second hospice by then. No life support. You were able to nod yes. I wish you knew how beautiful that moment was.

Talking to your cousin today, we were contemplating a drink, which I am sure means a drink and a bowl. I told him I couldn’t see anyone till I clear up my scabies I brought back from Texas. We talked about that and then I said, I wonder what she would say to that. He didn’t miss a beat, other than he called you that name you told me to NEVER FUCKING CALL YOU. He said “She would be laughing her ass off.” I can’t even type your fake family name.

I am sure, I will always be a little mad at you, but I can’t carry around what I have carried for a while now. I have to forgive it all. Mostly because I love you, but also because I understand, and know that forgiving you is what I will do in the end. I’d rather always love you and not hate you. You have always had the best of me and never judged the worst of me. And my secrets that I told you? Well you never spilled a single bean, judged me for them, and you took them with you. I will do the same with you. Except the one your daughter figured out. That cat is out of the bag, but she and I are the only ones who know. She wasn’t surprised.

Don’t take it the wrong way if I let myself forget some of the really bad that happened in Texas. Every bit of it sucked, but there were moments I thought I was going out of my mind.

Leaving you? Oh my fucking god. Each mile closer to the airport was horrible. I felt like I needed to stay till you were gone, but I had to get back to work. I changed planes somewhere. I don’t remember where. Maybe Utah? I stopped to get something to eat between flights. I was sitting at a table outside this burger place. I was trying to choke down some food and thinking, “Mel is dying and I am sitting here eating. Mel’s not dying. I wouldn’t leave her. The doctors are wrong. She can’t die…” it went on and on and under it all was the knowledge, that you my love, were gone from my life. There was one moment when I thought I was going to start screaming. I don’t know what I was going to scream, I just remember wanting to scream and knowing this could not be fucking happening.

Suddenly there was a man in my face. He smiled and looked at me and asked if I was alright?

I remember looking at him and nodding yes and then my lip quivered. My eyes got hot. I felt my crazy start to spin. He asked, “Did you lose someone?”

I managed to tell him my best friend was laying in a hospice in DFW and I was on my way home.

He talked to me and said words I don’t remember. I remember is calm, warm, smiling face. I remember realizing what he was doing and thanking him. He replied with, “I just gave you a place to get away for a minute.” I again thanked him. He gave me his card. I found him on Facebook a few weeks later, because I know water seeks its own level as does energy.

His name is Michael.

He was like my angel in that moment of insanity.

I miss you so bad and wish we could sit and talk about this. Maybe some day?

I don’t want to be ready to do that, but I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about it and how absolutely easy it would be to just give up this time.

Mr. Yummy?

He doesn’t deserve that from me. He would hate me. Because I would just go pick one up, and use it. I love you, but I don’t hate myself enough to do that anymore. I know, one day I will feel you again, and that will be an awesome, awesome fucking day.

SnS

Tears of a Clown (and tears on my pillow)

clown

Dear Mel,

I miss you so much. I have had mostly OK, functioning days. I’m not depressed like I was at first, but it hits me. It hits me so hard. Last night falling asleep, the tears started flowing. I was scared to snuggle up to Mr. Yummy, because my face and hands were wet. I don’t like him to see me raw, as you can imagine. After all he did witness the melt-down that followed my marriage.

I woke this morning to fresh tears, and I am having a hard time not sitting down and just crying. Of course, it is Superbowl Sunday, and it’s a day to have fun, but my heart is heavy. I miss you, our talks, the calls, your kids, and knowing you are physically there. I woke up talking about you. When I hear the snippets that pop out of my mouth as I come to the waking world, I can always tell if it is about you, that I speak.

I spoke to your ex-husband last Friday. The boys should be here in a week or so. I can’t wait to see them. No one will ever take your place, but when I am with your kids, I do feel a little more fulfilled. It’s like together, we almost make you come back. I think together, we have a very special bond that has been forged by years of friendship and love and that, between us, will always keep your memory alive.

I still love you, and I still miss you, but I have to go start my day in the land of living Seahawks fans.

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