Monthly Archives: April 2014

I’m Proud of Myself

A couple of years, I would have run with my fears, assumed the worst, flipped out, made too many calls, said the wrong thing, and alienated the person I am trying to get closer with.

aghast

Today? Not so much.

I am proud I had the ability to learn from my past. I fought the urge to freak out. I talked myself through it, and when I did panic, I kept it to myself and looked at it logically. (OK, so I did my freaking out on my New York Daughter.)

It was the same thing as I have been going through at work. The NEED to concentrate and not think about the things I want to do to him (or him to me), and not make stupid costly mistakes that could cost me my beloved job at the hive I call “work”. It’s not so much that he could get fired, but with his work, he could kill himself or someone else, and I don’t want that!

Even though I know it to be so, I still sit in amazement at the Universe and that this shit actually fucking works. AND works in my FAVOR to boot! I am thrilled beyond belief that my New York Daughter is starting to see it working in Action. She recently learned I wasn’t lying when I told her to be VERY specific when dealing with the Universe.

Once, I dared the Universe. I said…”Bring it on Mother fucker, see what I can take!”

HUGE MISTAKE!

I thought, in 2009 I broke the manifestation, but I realize it continued another three years, making my grand total of suck-ass years, getting EXACTLY what I asked for from Universe, thirteen in total. It was a mere two years ago I did it again, and VERY specifically let Universe know that I was ready for the good, the love, the happy, the positive, and total opposite of what I’d cursed myself to before. “Go ahead, bring it on, lets see how much good I can handle!”

It took a while to start manifesting in the ways that really curl my toes, but it is indeed happening, and I am grateful that I accidentally taught myself the law of attraction. It was such a simple and obvious thing, that it really was a mind fuck. I was simply…aghast that it was that simple.

So Cheers! Here’s to new habits, and shit eating grins.

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Doorways

Puerta-de-entrada-al-pasado-Entrance-door-to-the-past-Flickr-NeoGaboXdoor-to-the-futureI have spent the last several weeks walking through two different doorways.

One doorway is the doorway to my future. I know what my future is to an extent. I’ve mapped out the path I need to be on, and have manifested that, which I want. There are many specifics I don’t know at the moment, but I know the intent and the vibe I have to live with.

The other doorway, had led me right back to my past and the different paths I have been on.

The last two weeks have been particularly hard. I still had an ex I needed to make amends with. She was the first person I was with after leaving an eight year marriage with my ex-husband and father of my daughter. I was very, very damaged after that marriage and needed help that I didn’t get.

She and I almost destroyed each other. I was under the delusion that being with a woman would be a blissful fairytale. She was a heavy drinker with a lot of depression issues. I was her first girlfriend after coming out. We met at a women’s bar I was working at. Although the physical part of us was good, it wasn’t enough for the many obstacles that presented themselves to us and we had a very acrimonious split, all the while, I was trying to divorce my husband.

Somehow I wound up with HER ex husband. Like I said, it was ugly.

It was a few years after this that I met HIM, the one I’ve been writing of and missing. He is the one that busted through all of the shit and left me feeling loved like I’d never been loved before.

After talking to him the last three and a half months, I realize it was because no one had, or has ever loved me like he did. I would love to see if we could tap into that again.  I do not believe we would go back, but that we would move forward.

I don’t know if the Universe is going to set us together again, or if there is someone else going to come along and bring out that passion and that feeling that I so fleetingly had mutually with him, but I know the direction is forward, not backward.

She: started talking to me like I’ve talked to him the last three and a half months. The flow, ease, and comfort that has been there with him, is NOT there with her. And yet there was a time I never saw myself with anyone but her. I couldn’t imagine letting a man touch me again, and yet I did.

In order to go forward, I HAVE to put the last of my past to rest. I NEEDED to talk to her and tell her how sorry I am that I was such a damaged person when I met her. She was just as damaged, and both of us have gone on to damage ourselves in other ways over the years. Some of her life after me, brought tears to my eyes and I wanted to just hold her and comfort her. I feel a huge tenderness and love for her, but I am not in love with her any longer, nor am I in love with the idea of her, like I am with him.

I told her of him. She said his name and said it sounded weird to hear me talk of a man and say I am in love with him. It was weird to talk to her of him and admit the depth of my love for him to her, my once lover and girlfriend. It was painful and honest for us both.

She called me the next day and said she knew what was bothering her about all of the talking we had done. I asked if she wanted to share, she responded with the fact that all these years, she thought she was innocent and pure. Talking with me she owned the things she did that pushed me away, that shut me out, that took her always to “the bar” and alcohol. What was now bothering her was realizing that at one time she didn’t hate me. What bothered her was that she was just now; almost two decades later, was feeling what she should have felt when we broke up. There was sadness for both of us.

I do not know what lies ahead for me other than love, because that is all I will accept. Will it be with him at some point? I certainly fucking hope so. If it is not him, then there is someone out there that is going to come along and love me as passionately and completely as I felt with him.

I am grateful for the opportunity to have made peace with her and my past. Without doing this, I can not move forward in a new way. I want though, for her to find something more important than a great lover who makes her happy. I wish for her, that inner peace that I discovered, that allowed me to cut the ties that bind and kept me down and cycling in a negative world of shit. She is still there and it makes me sad.

I have loved a man. I have loved a woman. I do not accept labels. I do not call myself straight, lesbian, bisexual or anything other than human. As a human I have been sexual. The love I felt for her, was no less real than the love I have felt and feel for him, but the love I have for him is sacred, and that is what I will accept nothing less than when I step through that future door, that ultimately is the here and now.

Here and Now

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This is where I have been trying to live more and more. So much of my life has been living in the past. Lately I examine it, absorb something, and move on. Granted this thing with the old boyfriend has sent me spinning. I am not spinning out of control like I used to.

He has said to me a few times, “It’s in the past, move on.”  I mostly do, but in some areas, it is important that I see things as they were, be it that I came across as incredibly insensitive, or he hadn’t fallen out of love with me when I thought he had. In a way I need to process those small details and rewire the thinking of my brain.

At the current here and now moment, I am hot flashing. It starts kind of deep in the core of my body and radiates out. Hot flashes are unlike any kind of heat I have known. They are not like a fever, nor heat stroke, nor being in stifling heat, nor sitting in an oven. It is more like…becoming the oven from the inside out, quickly followed by being really cold where ever there happens to be beads of perspiration, which with me, is oddly enough the inside of my elbows, and the backs of my knees, as well as my hairline. It’s a party not having a period anymore. The one good thing now about the flashing, is I know WTF is happening. The first one really sent me spinning since I had gone 9 months, no period, and no hot flashes. No way did I have this one in the bag.

As of the first of the month, I become one of the 7 bazillion insured. I am not sure how I feel about this yet. Obviously, needing bi-annual blood draws, and monthly medication for a dead thyroid gland, will be nice to have covered, but I am wondering if I will wind up paying out-of-pocket for my medication anyway, since I don’t want synthetic thyroid replacement. I’m really not down with pharmaceuticals. I hope as I go further into my menopause I totally STOP having migraines. I hope to never have to take another migraine pill, but I still have ONE hidden in my purse, just in case. I stopped taking antidepressants not too long after this old boyfriend and I broke up, because they weren’t fixing anything. I felt worse. I felt numb, disconnected, sad, and foggy. That was letting the doctors do it their way. It took me a long time to lose the edge of fog. It has been about 13 years since I have had an antidepressant. I never had any benefit outweigh the side effects. Simply for me, not worth it. I needed to feel a lot of shit. That is just me. To not deal with it really did paralyze me and I can see that now.

I am motivated in totally different ways now.

I don’t have to be that “I can do it alone!” woman. I don’t have to play the part of something I am not to make myself appealing to another human being. The right human being will love me for the simple fact we connect in that certain way. I don’t want to be shared, but I don’t want to be owned.

I want to be. You know. BE.

I don’t want to be the person someone else wants me to be. I’ve mostly tried that before. There were two people who saw the total raw me back then, who accepted me as I was, but in all other cases, I have tried to be this woman others have seen me as. For the last two years, I have been who I am. I don’t need to explain that, because it is right with me. I know what I put out there into the Universe EVERYDAY. I also know what I used to put out, and they aren’t the same frequencies at all.

I like living in the present, the now. It used to seem so hard when I was letting my past haunt me. I didn’t know how to just be. I also know what love smells like now. I smell it everyday. I can smell it lingering on my clothes and in the air around me. It is a good thing, and I don’t necessarily think myself totally bat-shit crazy anymore. This whole new way of being has just grown on me, probably because life got so much more peaceful for me.

It’s not up to me to judge anyone, and it is not really up to me to judge myself, but to just live in a way resonates happily in my heart and soul. I still believe I deserve nothing less than love, as do you. I may not type it everyday, but I put it out there, every single day. This stuff is free! Don’t let anyone tell you different.

 

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