Monthly Archives: January 2014
I can’t stop this silent steady stream of tears and don’t even want to try.
So much time, so many locked up memories, so many floods of raw emotion, so much displaced love, ready to spring forth like an arrow…
So much gratitude, so much confessed and so much heard.
It shook me to the core to be told the way I went to Alaska, so fast, with the woman I went to help, with the things he knew about her and how close we were…he just didn’t know how to process it. I hurt him. This was never my intention and it deeply hurt my heart to know I had hurt him. To say I am sorry and for him to hear that and say he was sorry he didn’t know how to help the hurt I was hanging onto back then, brought tears to my eyes.
I have never stopped loving him, in fact I would be so bold as to say I still am in love with him. Do I know what will happen between us now? Yes and no. Do I have expectations? Yes and no. Am I in a hurry to find out? Not really, I am really enjoying this tender and touching dance we are doing and I want to draw it out and savor this beautiful thing.
Processing…words, feelings, desires, moments, and sweet kisses.
I told him in text last night that I LIKE the person I have become and living my life in a way that brings me peace. Time is being good to me and I am grateful for that and for being able to talk to him today. He replied that he is too.
I admitted to finding my voice over the years, and that life may have been easier for us both if I had only known how to say what I want. I told him how proud my BFF is for me telling him Monday night, that I wanted to see him again, because I SPOKE UP! He replied he is glad I did.
I know, that this is heading to the physical, and we are both now, feeling the emotional part, but will we become us again? I don’t want to go back to then, we were messed up with our own stuff…but I am curious to see what will become of this opportunity and what I have called into Universe.
I’m not worried about defining this. I know what it is, I’m just happy that this is happening.
I’ve been meaning to share this for a while, but have been really busy with life lately.
This year, I actually participated in the holiday season that happens between October and January. I got my mom and little sister a book that a friend had published that mom and I were interviewed for. It’s called “Radical Relations- Lesbian mothers gay fathers, and their children in the United States since WWII.” It is by Daniel Winunwe Rivers. We knew it was in the works, we interviewed for it about ten years ago. A few weeks before Christmas I got a message from a friend telling me it was published, so I was able to surprise them.
I was really excited about this when a fellow WordPress and FB Like announced he was having an art sale. The offer was name a person and he would paint them for a smoking price. I contacted him and asked him if he could paint Leonard Peltier for me. He did. This original Ray Ferrer painting is now hanging at my mother’s place. If you would like to see more of Ray’s stuff, you can visit his site here: Ray Ferrer – Emotion on Canvas
To learn more about Leonard, you can go to you tube and watch “Incident at Ooglala” 2 parts, and you can go here: Leonard Peltier Case Facts
But holy mother of everything! I haven’t been sick like this in ages. I’m drinking tea, because the thought of coffee with milk, makes me want to hurl. For a Seattle girl to not want her coffee…well, that’s sick!
Since my bucket list is getting shorter, and I have been aware that I must expand it, I am having visions of my intent. THIS, may take some time to come to be, but if I don’t put it out there, it doesn’t know I want to create.
I like to use pictures with my posts, so I want to explain something about the picture I am going to use:
I’m not sure anyone will recognize this for what it is, unless you’re Deaf or have the smallest understanding of Deaf Culture. I try not to flash this too often, because I am not Deaf, and I don’t believe in stealing culture. I also have a small understanding of Deaf Culture and for me, this says it in a way I don’t know how to express with my words.
There is a lot of innocent, pure, unconditional love shown in this image. In my mind and heart, this intention is specific as well as “set”.
I met a man in late 1999 and by 2000, we were in love and living together. The only problem was that we were both really damaged souls, fresh from our traumas. The fact that this man was able to cut through any of that at all and I was able to be happy for a while says a lot about him as a man and a lover to me.
Since then, no man has been able to fill his shoes. I know it is wrong, but the three relationships I have had since him, were all compared to him and they all failed miserably. The fact that someone left me feeling so loved, is a testimony to where and how he touched me…down deep in my soul. He touched me in a place, no other person…man or woman had ever done. He touched me in a place that left other touches, sort of hollow and incomplete.
I’ve chased him for years. I send him little notes and he would reply, but he never felt receptive to me. He just didn’t realize I was saying,”I miss you and want to see you.”
About a month ago I sent him my phone number and we have been talking for about two weeks now. Last night we went on a date and it was apparent from first glance at thirty feet, he still pulls me in.
We talked for about three hours, hardly eating and touching one another often. His hands still make me want to scream. They are so beautiful and the ones that started what can only be called my hand fetish. Everything about him captivates me and pulls me into him. I sat across the table from him fighting the urge to reach over and touch his face and his lower ear lobe and told him as much after HE reached over and touched my cheek and said he thought I was still cute as a button.
I told him I want to see him again and asked if that could happen. He said he would like that.
At the end of our time together we kissed one another on the cheek (I told him I was not sure if I was incubating a cold) and he threw caution to the wind, and kissed me. That old chemistry is still there. I swooned and buckled at my knees, and watched him do the same. I am terribly excited to see what will become of us if it is still that intense all these years later, and we are both happy with the people we have become.
I did wake up sick, but I also woke up with the warmest feeling in my heart.
I am grateful to have learned to actually speak up about the specifics of what I want in my life because, Universe does respond.