I’ve been trolling WordPress blogs using the tag “grief”.
It is comforting, in a really fucked up way to know there are so many people out there, who know what I mean when I say I am FULL of grief that I have never known before. Thank you to all of you who have been open and tried to write your way out of this place that seems like purgatory to me.
To anyone who has read my blog over the course of the last 5 years or so (including my original, dead, freshly and finally deleted yesterday) “Snee Made Me Do It” site, know that I am more spiritual, rather than religious. I don’t feel that because I say Universe or Source, instead of God, that this makes me any lesser than a Christian.
I realized this morning, as I was reading “what i wanted to tell Flo today” that even though we may have different beliefs, we are angry at the same thing. I have read many of you type of an anger at God. I have also seen many of you type about how God has pulled you through it.
I don’t understand how the Universe, could extinguish such an amazing flame. So as I am standing in the kitchen window, staring out at the day rising over my car, I ponder the question, “Am I a bad person?” “Did I somehow do SOMETHING to be dealt such a cruel blow by my beloved Universe?”
There are so many things I saw in my minds eye, clear as day involving Mel. Grand-babies, being grandmas together, being the two little old ladies standing in line at Zippy’s Giant Burgers, shocking young people with how cool we are and what we actually “get”. Wearing purple together, weddings, and basically, always being there by her side, because…she would have moved back home and we would have been together again, thick as thieves, through sick n sin, just like peas and carrots.
And yet Universe took that all away. Even though I can still see these things. In this life, they will never come to fruition and I feel fucking robbed. I’m mad at that. My constant is gone. Fuck you, how dare you. Why do I deserve this absolute soul crushing loss?
Did I have to give up Mel because I asked to Universe to bring Mr. Yummy back into my life? Is this a sick joke? Because my sadness, on top of the absolute freak out that I STILL have scabies after two treatments, and now that Mr. Yummy is clear, there is a divide between us that scares the fucking shit out of me. So really, if it was a sick joke of a fucking trade off…I don’t get it. The punchline makes no sense to me. I am not Christian, yet I feel like Job.
I have to try really hard to ignore that old, old, self defeating voice in my head, that just SCREAMS out at me to “RUN BEFORE HE CAN REJECT YOU!”
Well, that came out of the woodwork.
Did I mention, I miss you?
Ummmm, that’s what I did last time, and didn’t even realize it till years later.
I know that dreaming is essential to sanity. When REM sleep is interrupted, people go insane. The brain needs that time to defrag and process the waking life.
But is the place of dreams real? Are those experiences just our life in another dimension? That place feels just as real as my waking life, but I know that reality, is just an “illusion” and that we have a greater hand in constructing this illusion, than we realize.
So what is this place of dreams, and what do my dreams from last nights, fitful, broken slumber mean?
I ask this, while having under my belt, at least 30 years of dream interpretations.
Does it just mean, today is one of the two’s birthday and I’m thinking of it all? Does it mean the other of two was thinking just as hard of me as I was dreaming of her?
I’m frightened of what I feel is coming, even though I have created this. I can scroll back to the post I wrote about it all.
One of the things that is starting to happen, now that I have been at the creating thing a few years, is that creations, create faster than when I first started.
I also told Mr. Yummy about the next step in my Spiritual Journey. I didn’t tell him that’s what it is, just like I’ve told you, the reader, the next step is coming, but I haven’t told you what the step is. I thought today was the day, but after last night, I woke and knew it is not today. I’m too caught up in my head now and wondering about this place where dreams happen. It felt so real and today my head knows it was “a dream” but my heart also knows that it, is feeling the emotion. The emotion wasn’t fake. It was real and exists.
I know one thing.
I have my next tattoo planned. I know the EXACT image, placements, and words. I think that this, will be the step after the next step. It’s all about doing and being
Caught in that moment of knowing:
That understanding of the words, “I AM”.
Did you know, when tears flow from this state, they feel good? They feel full of love, understanding, calmness, gratitude and warmth.
This is what I AM to be manifesting. This is what I want to invest in creating, what I want to put out in the universe.
There’s no long-winded explanations, just that this is where I went this morning when I started my day. It’s important for me to give this back to you as it’s happening.
It has taken me about three days at different intervals to watch this, but I am glad I finally made it all the way through it.
I now know how to pray and some of the knowledge the religious powers that are trying to be, removed from the original texts before THEY decided what we the people need to know.
Do you have a heart? Have you and your heart recovered from living in this world? I believe the secret to prayer and manifestation is kept within the heart, not the head/brain. This, just resonates with my entire being.
I did the experiment along with the video and I’ll be damned if I didn’t “get” it. It was identical to those moments of awakening, those same moments of knowing love, and those same moments of being connected.
I believe this is part of how we get to that tipping point of the 100th monkey. Thanks to whoever posted this at the RTS comments.