18, May 2013 Update:
My dryer is on the fritz, so I went to the laundry to do my wash. The religious propaganda was removed, and two hot guys hit on me while I laundered.
I still over think things. I still get afraid, angry, frustrated and the whole host of emotions that are not the best vibrational plane to live within. The difference is that now, I do not live there. I am more able to look at the emotion, relate it to what in the past is triggering it, and tell myself to get back to the here and now.
I feel in control of my emotions in ways I have never felt before. It is not that I want to THANK my ex boyfriend for shattering my orbital floor, then a year later, assaulting me. It’s not that I want to THANK my daughter, who I unconditionally love, for refusing to have a relationship with me, but telling me I was going to be a grandmother, then not letting me see my grandson before he died. But I don’t honestly know it I would be where I am today had the assault not happened within 12 hours of learning of my grandson’s death.
I simply broke. I could get no lower. I hit, what they call, rock bottom. For me there were two places to go. Death or life. In choosing life, I accepted that forgiving everyone and loving every single person I meet or cross paths, or FEEL on this Earth, in this Universe and, beyond…that I had gone crazy.
My brain knows that Trauma= Love is not a typical, nor sane reaction. But for me, it has worked and in weird ways, I am grateful for whatever it took to get me here. My heart and soul know that it IS right. My soul knows that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Within this human experience is the loss of spirituality. Religion has taught us to ignore the spiritual. It became evil and silly in the eyes of the church. You disconnect the people from the spirit, which I believe KNOWS instinctively how things work outside of the human experience and you control them with religion.
I say that, and I can hear people think that because I don’t have religion, I can’t be in touch with God. Those people would be wrong, but then they might be thinking from the place that the church rules. I am free to think whatever of God, my Creator, the Source of all or whatever you need to call it.
Since I have come to this insanely sane place…I manage my emotions a lot differently. Part of it is the belief we are one, part of it is knowing we all have had traumas and I can forgive that. Realizing the whole trauma thing, was what FINALLY led me to the most important forgiveness one person can give…forgiveness of myself.
I know what my human experience has been for up to this point, as well as what it is here and now. Knowing all this has made it much easier to manage my emotions.
I am grateful.
Now, I feel bricks and things falling around me. As this happens, I have that familiar feeling of falling veils again.
How will I ever explain this without sounding like a nut?
He said to me that “You keep reminding me of your soul.”
He does not know the impact that statement had on me. He does not know the connections I have made with my soul and how beautiful I find that connection to the human part of my soul or your soul…or HIS soul.
I sent him a picture and text saying I was just checking in, thinking of him and I hope he is well, (He just had a sudden death of a close friend and was processing it, I was trying to let him do that and let him know I was also there if he needed anything.) It’s an old picture, almost taken after he and I split. I took it with a crappy old webcam in a poorly lit area, and yet I love the picture. I was shooting for the old brown and white style graduation pics of my mother’s generation where the “girls” were bare shouldered and usually had “touch-up pink lips”.
A few hours later, he responded saying “That picture it worth 2000 words…made me cry. You’re beautiful.” During our text, I had sent him a link to A Beautiful Mess video (Live in Chicago), we were talking emotion, and he mentioned my soul. He mentioned to me he was melting a little. I, on the other hand was like a totally melted pot of sweet honey filled beeswax.
How can I still be so totally bonded to him in this way fourteen years later? This would be why, each relationship since him, made me miss him all the more, and when breaking up with others, I would completely re-mourn the loss of us.
This IS, the person for me.
This IS the one I’ve been waiting for.
This IS the one who makes the human part of my soul feel like the other half has come home.
This IS part of the experience that brings down residual shit, and veils fall again.
This is indeed, a beautiful mess and I am grateful to have had the last 2 years and three months.
I am ready for this.
This morning my heart is overflowing. my hands are throbbing with heat and energy. I swear if I could touch you, you would feel my heat.
For some reason I awoke to Michael Franti’s spoken word and this Maori warrior running through my head so I watched. As I watched hot tears started running down my face. Though I am crying, I am not weeping. Though I am feeling, I am not hurting. This state I seem to cycle in and out of, is like some sort of ecstasy. I can feel the energy of life and creation flowing through me and I am grateful for it.
I am starting to understand this dance. I’m starting to see that with each wave, comes more knowledge.
The power with which some people BE and DO is so beautiful.