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A Secure Feeling

20150222_175606[1]It took most of the day, but I did it. All the boxes I wanted, not just needed, but wanted to unpack, have been unpacked. All of the kitchen stuff I want to get at of mine, has been married in with his stuff. I organized his kitchen cupboards and did what he said a girl needs to do…nested.

He hasn’t seen it yet, but I am pretty sure he realized what he would be coming home to since I was looking through his cupboards containing pots, pans, and baking things and he asked what I was looking for. I just smiled and said, “Something to organize.” He smiled.

I went through my room and rearranged things so I was no longer bumping into stuff, and could find things.

You know what I feel like as I begin to let go and reclaim my life?

It’s OK for me to fly again. It’s OK for me to be excited about feeling secure and doing this thing Mr. Yummy and I are doing. To me, it all feels right. It really shook me when he said, “I know you, you dwell on things and you will use it to hurt yourself. I try to be nice to myself. Then he snickered and said, “Most of the time. And you should be nice to yourself too.”

This morning before he left, I thanked him for being selfish and self-centered and not letting me do anything. He smiled at me and said, “A girl has gotta nest.” So, nesting is what I did. I asked Mel, to please understand my need to get back to the now. I think she would. She would feel pretty shitty if I let her death derail the tracks I was trucking on down.

Till we meet again, my love.

Empty/Drained

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I want to choose the word carefully, because there is a big difference between them.

I just realized today is the 18th. That means it is my 3rd trip around the sun, since I went crazy. Anyway…

I don’t necessarily feel empty, but I do feel drained. This situation has been going on since I moved in with my sister and the way it played out wasn’t pleasant. I just need it to be over, need to have a little distance, and need to get a good breather in so she and I can talk again.

I can’t say that the guy who hacked her, wouldn’t have done it, even if she didn’t draw things out, or even if she had been more honest with him. We will never know this, but I do know, it wasn’t long after I moved in, that I started getting weird vibes from him.

I don’t know her new guy, the fiance. He lives East of the mountains here. I understand when the bitter ex went whack-o on her, that it scared her. I wish she wouldn’t have so easily run off, leaving me know nothing really for so many months. I’m sad about stuff, and believe she and I will work it out, but I am just drained and really trying to come to terms with being here at Mr. Yummy’s house. I’m breathing though.

I have so many things to do still before Sunday, yet I awoke with an icepick jamming into my left eye. I took my very last migraine pill which I have been hoarding forever and stayed at Mr. Yummy’s. I saved this pill specifically to use on my last migraine ever. Guess this was it. I don’t have body aches, so I am pretty sure it is not the flu, but I have been feeling run down lately. I just keep hoping once I make the move final and have everything out, I can take the days that I will not be working due to the holidays and rest. I will worry about what to unpack and where to cram things later.

Maybe I will even stop worrying that one day Mr. Yummy will look at me and ask, “Jeebus, what have I done?”

In a way I am scared shitless because I got exactly what I asked for. I DID ask the Universe to bring him back to my life. I love him in a way I have never loved anyone and I feel this need to protect him, from me. Does that make sense?

Example.

Here I have moved in, but I don’t know what we are doing. I asked him if I had a time line I had to be out by, he didn’t answer. I don’t want to unpack every single box I have, set up like a happy little couple and pretend we are going for it if I have to pack up and leave here, and him. I don’t want to offend him and take his offer of help, as something he might not be looking for. Do you see how the neurotic takes over and starts to “what if” me?

I know my favorite time of the day is bed time, when I get to spoon up next to him and breathe him in as I fall asleep. My least favorite time of day is 4AM, when I get up and have to crawl out of his bed and start my day, and yet I love my job, where I go, what I do.

In time, I will have to meet the fiance, but I won’t be talking about the things that have rocked my world the last seven months. These things are my sister’s choice and well…I don’t need my words on a blog being used against me again by anyone in my family…so I just hope that time and distance from all the drama will help this feeling go away.

I am grateful I reacted to my life’s traumas three years ago, by going crazy. I am hopeful that everything I went through so intensely during that spiritual awakening, is helping me make the right choices as I navigate, instead of impulsively reacting to things. I know I have handled everything this last year in a way I have never been able to do, and mostly, it was without great effort. I DO NOT want to go back to that person again. I will not step back into being that person who allowed fear to control my life.

So, here I go. Lets see how long it takes me to do this other I want to do.

Those Eyes

Captivate me. I can be lost in the moments of us together, then suddenly, there is his face, hovering over me and his eyes staring into mine, my face in his hands and his in mine. He almost looks like he hurts as I read the burning curiosity in his eyes of, “What do you need?”

He never lets me stop and give up on getting mine. Last night he looked at me and said, “Oh no, I’m not stopping, not for a long time till I get out of you, what I want to pull out of you.”

Then I just get lost in us. It’s a flash of lips, mouths, tongues, sweat, fingers, breath, moans, groans and all the feelings he brings out of me at once. When I come back from that place, I am surprised my head is here, the blankets are there, and there are tears in my eyes.

I’ve never known a man who when he is with me, gives as much, selfishly, as he does.

He’s humble, but confident, and I love this about him. He can’t take a compliment for shit, unless it’s veiled in sarcasm, and I totally understand, why no one else has ever been able to do it for me. In being him, that yummy ball of sweet ocean, he set a bar high, very high, no one else has ever been able to reach it.

I still love him. I’ve been writing about him, of him, and to him for fifteen years now.

Little Kisses

I went to Mr. Yummy’s house Friday night to try to give him money and smokes for taking care of me for a few days. He refused. I asked him if he was sure and told him I pulled a fifty out for him. His eyes got big and I could see him thinking so I said that I knew he must have spent that much while at my place. He smiled at me, told me to keep my pennies, and said I was worth it.

I was going to turn around and come home, but he fed me dinner, popped in a movie and then, he snuggled me down. As always, I crave him. His smell, his softness and, his little kisses. Even if he is just kissing my cheek, he sucks the air from around me in as he leans in and then, he kisses me.

He makes me aware of my senses. With him, I am more aware of all my senses. Life with him in it, feels like so much more of an adventure. He’s very giving to me, and yet the ways he gives are small and intimate, not large and for show. The little ways he does things, touch my heart. He knows this so when I told him early on this year, that I love hearing him say my name he makes sure when I call him he answers with my name, there is no,”Hello?” I always respond by saying his name. I’ve always done that…since the very first beginning because I love the way his name feels in my mouth and on my lips.

I am happy we have found one another again, and grateful for the chance to let him see me in ways I never let him see before. We live in really freaky, scary times, and yet here I am, choosing to live life to experience happy. He’s peas and I’m carrots.

Peas-and-carrots

Getting Back to Better

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What a crazy summer it has been.

I wound up asking Mr. Yummy to come hang with me for a few days, so he was here Monday and Tuesday. I was getting better, but I am on a really strong antibiotic (keflex), which makes me light-headed, on top of being light-headed from an infection, and light-headed from pain pills; so it was good to have someone him here.

It was VERY hard for me to ask him to give that time from him to me. There is still a small part of me who thinks,”Who are you to him to ask this of him?” I know I am his friend, so I guess it doesn’t matter because I asked, and he did it. It just makes me love him a little more.

I returned to work today, for the first time since last Wednesday. They are very kind there. In appreciation of their kindness…I’m getting a freaking flu shot this year.

I’ve been falling asleep with the sliding door open at night, the screen I shut. It’s SO hot and the hot flashing keeps me out of my room, in the living room, with the big fan on and the door open. I know that isn’t the smartest thing in the world even though I am on the second floor, so Mr. Yummy made it safe for me to leave the slider part way open and tonight, it is almost cool enough to shut the apartment up.

Sadly, as one infection clears up, another from the antibiotics starts. I’ve got three more days of antibiotics, then I have a pill for the next infection. Hopefully in a week, I will feel better. Right now I’m really tired, and slightly traumatized by what just happened to my body.

Sleep, it does a body good.

Night, night.

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