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A Secure Feeling

20150222_175606[1]It took most of the day, but I did it. All the boxes I wanted, not just needed, but wanted to unpack, have been unpacked. All of the kitchen stuff I want to get at of mine, has been married in with his stuff. I organized his kitchen cupboards and did what he said a girl needs to do…nested.

He hasn’t seen it yet, but I am pretty sure he realized what he would be coming home to since I was looking through his cupboards containing pots, pans, and baking things and he asked what I was looking for. I just smiled and said, “Something to organize.” He smiled.

I went through my room and rearranged things so I was no longer bumping into stuff, and could find things.

You know what I feel like as I begin to let go and reclaim my life?

It’s OK for me to fly again. It’s OK for me to be excited about feeling secure and doing this thing Mr. Yummy and I are doing. To me, it all feels right. It really shook me when he said, “I know you, you dwell on things and you will use it to hurt yourself. I try to be nice to myself. Then he snickered and said, “Most of the time. And you should be nice to yourself too.”

This morning before he left, I thanked him for being selfish and self-centered and not letting me do anything. He smiled at me and said, “A girl has gotta nest.” So, nesting is what I did. I asked Mel, to please understand my need to get back to the now. I think she would. She would feel pretty shitty if I let her death derail the tracks I was trucking on down.

Till we meet again, my love.

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Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda (Gonna)

Media blind - censorship concept

There is something I should have done in 2010, that I DIDN’T do because I was afraid. I was afraid for a lot of reasons, but mostly I was afraid that I didn’t matter, so I stayed quiet.

Someone who said he loved me, jammed his shoulder into my face, while I was laying beneath him on the floor. He did it twice. It was the second time he did it, that I heard a pop in my left eye. I was drunk, which is unfortunate, but it wasn’t a reason to bust the orbital floor of my left eye.

The actual reason he did it, is because I, was daring to become uncontrollable. I wouldn’t be told on this particular night, that it was time to go to bed. I didn’t have to work the next day, and I had just spent a week taking care of him, while he was drinking his way through his friend’s death. I just was taking a night, to listen to music, have some solitude and non drama, and a half a bottle of rum.

It’s always bothered me that I was shit faced drunk, because I really don’t drink that often. The details are blurry because of the drink, but in NO WAY, does that mean I deserved to have the floor of my eye busted, because I wouldn’t go to bed, or grabbed a cell phone.

I grabbed the cell phone, because he threatened to call the police on me for being drunk. Because I was drunk, I didn’t stop to think that the police couldn’t arrest me for being drunk in the place I was calling home. I was old enough, at home, and so fucking what?

It was the grabbing of the cell phone that set him off, and though I can admit, it was a drunkenly STUPID thing to do, knowing he had a temper, but I did not deserve to have the floor of my eye broken. It was stupid of me to stay with him too. We broke up, but true to form…I went back.

It’s not surprising that a year later, he assaulted me again.

I was still secretly paying for bankruptcy from the reconstructive surgery, that he told me NOT to declare bankruptcy on.

I didn’t have insurance. I didn’t call the police. I didn’t press charges. I didn’t sue him.

After the second assault, I left him. I lived in a closet in my mother’s studio for a year and a half, because that, was preferable to living with him while trying to go through bankruptcy and rebuilding my credit and my life. That is also when I went crazy. That was when the walls of hate that I had carried with me, for so long, crumbled. Overnight. Completely.

Pressing charges, doing all of that, would have impeded my spiritual journey, that slapped me in the face. It also would have meant, dealing with a lot of negative shit, and I really had just been so negative and angry for so long, it suddenly was toxic to me. I had to walk this path and learn the things I have learned with the Universe.

I probably had to get unafraid too.

The night before Mel died, I have said we talked about EVERYTHING. It’s almost weird that we spoke of so much and makes me think she knew something was happening to her. We talked about this man. I told her that I wished I had made a police report. She told me it wasn’t too late and that it would probably help the next woman, because we both know there with be “the next one”. I hung up the phone that night, knowing she and I would talk more about it and she would support me through it.

Well, I never got to talk to her about it again, but I am going to follow through on it. I don’t expect them to arrest, file, or do anything. Too much time has passed. It’s not about that. It’s about documenting. Not staying silent. Calling him, what he was to me.

Do I still forgive him? Yes.

Do I ever want to see him or have him in my life in any manner? No.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda…gonna.

Why I Want To Give You So Much Space…

You go where no man has gone before.

I want to be your final frontier.

Managing Emotions

I still over think things. I still get afraid, angry, frustrated and the whole host of emotions that are not the best vibrational plane to live within. The difference is that now, I do not live there. I am more able to look at the emotion, relate it to what in the past is triggering it, and tell myself to get back to the here and now.

I feel in control of my emotions in ways I have never felt before. It is not that I want to THANK my ex boyfriend for shattering my orbital floor, then a year later, assaulting me. It’s not that I want to THANK my daughter, who I unconditionally love, for refusing to have a relationship with me, but telling me I was going to be a grandmother, then not letting me see my grandson before he died. But I don’t honestly know it I would be where I am today had the assault not happened within 12 hours of learning of my grandson’s death.

I simply broke. I could get no lower. I hit, what they call, rock bottom. For me there were two places to go. Death or life. In choosing life, I accepted that forgiving everyone and loving every single person I meet or cross paths, or FEEL on this Earth, in this Universe and, beyond…that I had gone crazy.

My brain knows that Trauma= Love is not a typical, nor sane reaction. But for me, it has worked and in weird ways, I am grateful for whatever it took to get me here. My heart and soul know that it IS right. My soul knows that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Within this human experience is the loss of spirituality. Religion has taught us to ignore the spiritual. It became evil and silly in the eyes of the church. You disconnect the people from the spirit, which I believe KNOWS instinctively how things work outside of the human experience and you control them with religion.

I say that, and I can hear people think that because I don’t have religion, I can’t be in touch with God. Those people would be wrong, but then they might be thinking from the place that the church rules. I am free to think whatever of God, my Creator, the Source of all or whatever you need to call it.

Since I have come to this insanely sane place…I manage my emotions a lot differently. Part of it is the belief we are one, part of it is knowing we all have had traumas and I can forgive that. Realizing the whole trauma thing, was what FINALLY led me to the most important forgiveness one person can give…forgiveness of myself.

I know what my human experience has been for up to this point, as well as what it is here and now. Knowing all this has made it much easier to manage my emotions.

I am grateful.

Emotional Garbage

I have done quite a bit of work the last few years on all that shit I have carried with me for almost five decades.

How did I not wind up in a rubber room?

I guess in one way, I did. Self imposed, self-defeating, self-sabotaging, self-isolating, never to really connect with another on a level that was healthy. Anything good, was not self-sustaining, took work to keep it good, and I just didn’t know where those skills were in me.

Somehow, it was always just about me and my needs. Anyone I was with needed to have the same passions as me, and the lines between them and me, always blurred and I would lose myself trying to manipulate a situation to go my way, because that was the right way, the only way.

I was a child in a woman’s body, years before I grew up and I didn’t even have the basic understanding of math, nor the realization there is always more than one way to solve an equation.

When I “recovered myself” the painful death, wound up actually being a beautiful metamorphosis. I feel extremely lucky to have experienced such an awakening. I found such a peace and gained an understanding of human capacity. There need be no limit. Limit is imposed on us from birth to the point, we don’t need someone there to limit us, we become adept at self limitation.

Though I still have a few unresolved relationships, I have tried to see the hurt for what it is. Usually it is a reflection of myself, that I have helped manifest. When I see my issues for what they are, it is easier to smile at myself and accept my own fears.

My load, is incredibly lighter these days.

 

 

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