I still over think things. I still get afraid, angry, frustrated and the whole host of emotions that are not the best vibrational plane to live within. The difference is that now, I do not live there. I am more able to look at the emotion, relate it to what in the past is triggering it, and tell myself to get back to the here and now.
I feel in control of my emotions in ways I have never felt before. It is not that I want to THANK my ex boyfriend for shattering my orbital floor, then a year later, assaulting me. It’s not that I want to THANK my daughter, who I unconditionally love, for refusing to have a relationship with me, but telling me I was going to be a grandmother, then not letting me see my grandson before he died. But I don’t honestly know it I would be where I am today had the assault not happened within 12 hours of learning of my grandson’s death.
I simply broke. I could get no lower. I hit, what they call, rock bottom. For me there were two places to go. Death or life. In choosing life, I accepted that forgiving everyone and loving every single person I meet or cross paths, or FEEL on this Earth, in this Universe and, beyond…that I had gone crazy.
My brain knows that Trauma= Love is not a typical, nor sane reaction. But for me, it has worked and in weird ways, I am grateful for whatever it took to get me here. My heart and soul know that it IS right. My soul knows that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Within this human experience is the loss of spirituality. Religion has taught us to ignore the spiritual. It became evil and silly in the eyes of the church. You disconnect the people from the spirit, which I believe KNOWS instinctively how things work outside of the human experience and you control them with religion.
I say that, and I can hear people think that because I don’t have religion, I can’t be in touch with God. Those people would be wrong, but then they might be thinking from the place that the church rules. I am free to think whatever of God, my Creator, the Source of all or whatever you need to call it.
Since I have come to this insanely sane place…I manage my emotions a lot differently. Part of it is the belief we are one, part of it is knowing we all have had traumas and I can forgive that. Realizing the whole trauma thing, was what FINALLY led me to the most important forgiveness one person can give…forgiveness of myself.
I know what my human experience has been for up to this point, as well as what it is here and now. Knowing all this has made it much easier to manage my emotions.
I am grateful.
I don’t just mean petite.
I’ve noticed something with the people I respect the most who demand more from me than I’ve ever demanded from them.
Ready for this?
They haven’t been giving out the same respect or patience I have reserved for them. It even seems like it is expected of me. They demand more from me than I have ever asked of them and lately…I feel it.
Well, I don’t feel like playing this game with anyone. I shouldn’t have to take less than what I give and if this isn’t observed, then why should I bother?
I wouldn’t say I plan on going out of my way to not be me, but I’m not going out of my way to not be me anymore. If you take advantage, don’t expect it to just be OK. I can’t say I am pissed off, but at the same time, I am not pleased.
Except I am, because I DO see it and DO feel it and I’m not OK with it. I also have no guilt over feeling…assertive. It feels good to feel no guilt over saying, “I deserve the same.”
I have not participated in the aftermath of the Boston Marathon Terror attack.
I’ve not watched network television coverage of it, and have read very little about it on the internet. Meaning; I see what I see on social networking, but don’t go looking for it.
Many of the stories, I do not click on. I read the headlines, and only click on some of the stories. Admittedly, I am not keeping up with the terror headlines. The ones that EVERYONE is posting, on all sides of political spectrum…and fighting over.
Having said I am ignorant on this event, I can still confidently state, that this is an act of terrorism. People are afraid and are speaking in ways very similar to how they spoke in the fall of another year, long ago. A time when things really got cranked up.
And the people stood back and watched things change, accepting it was all in the name of securing safety and freedom. Hating fellow human beings and not seeing the Maestro conducting our symphony of hate, when what we needed was Love.
I believe that what just happened, was a test. What we saw, that I have never seen before, and have only recently skimmed headlines on, is the lock-down of a city. The images accompanying the headlines, sure looked like Martial Law to me. To read a headline stating a suspect hasn’t been read his rights, says we all have no rights.
And yet people sit back and watch, in fear. And no one says it. Boston was a test case for Martial law. I wonder what they learned? Did they learn enough to carry out a nationwide clampdown?
What are we gonna do now?!
I can’t vibrate at the terror level so I haven’t gone there. Still choosing not to go there; it still permeates. This morning NBC is reporting that brainwashing is involved. REALLY? After years of calling anyone looking into MK Ultra, Project Butterfly, and the many other theories on mind control, crazy, NBC doesn’t really garner trust out of me when they scream this at me in a headline.
Anytime new and unprecedented things happen in how we,” the people” are treated and the people stand back and allow it, I tend to expect, that something wicked this way comes.
This doesn’t mean that I am going to plug into the fear-porn network. I can’t. My heart goes out to all of us. it wasn’t just Boston. It hasn’t been just Connecticut, New York, New Orleans, Florida, Arkansas. It’s ALL of us that these things damage, because the fear seeps in. When people live in terror, they have been terrorized.
I don’t want to be terrorized, so I love you. ALL of you. Not just those who think like I do, or are trying to think outside the fear-porn. I have to love even those conducting the symphony, producing the terror, and those calling on hate.
Thanks for listening, but I can’t play in the clampdown party.
This morning my heart is overflowing. my hands are throbbing with heat and energy. I swear if I could touch you, you would feel my heat.
For some reason I awoke to Michael Franti’s spoken word and this Maori warrior running through my head so I watched. As I watched hot tears started running down my face. Though I am crying, I am not weeping. Though I am feeling, I am not hurting. This state I seem to cycle in and out of, is like some sort of ecstasy. I can feel the energy of life and creation flowing through me and I am grateful for it.
I am starting to understand this dance. I’m starting to see that with each wave, comes more knowledge.
The power with which some people BE and DO is so beautiful.