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One Year (plus one day)

Whabbit and Mel - Copy

Yesterday was one year since you let out your final breath as you arrived at the end of your journey.

What have I learned since then?

I realize that in a way, I’ve sort of grown up a bit. All those fears and issues I would have with life, you know the ones that we would always come back to in conversation, have had to be dealt with on my own. I didn’t have the safety net of you; the one person I could say anything to.

At first it was chest grabbing and crushing. I’d feel the panic start and that buzzing cycle that runs through an ever thinking brain, full of “what-ifs”. I have sort of learned over the last year that when I can’t reach out to you, I won’t explode. My world won’t explode but, I’ve had to resolve MY issues, on my own. That, or suffer the consequences of the cycle of obsessive thinking.

Over time, I’m learning to actually walk the rope of life on my own. Some days it is hard, other days, “I got this, girl.” Always though, I miss you and am grateful for you. Regardless of every thing you did and didn’t do to yourself, my hurt, anger, sadness…you have taught and continue to teach me much. I know I’ll never have a fill in for you, but I will always be a better friend, because of us.

I don’t feel guilty anymore for how I feel about your kids. They are mine now. We will always have a bond because of you and I will always be a tie to you, with them. I’m pretty sure you would be OK with that. Living, and watching your children grow and live, will honor you.. I will never be you to them, but I am Auntie and I will there when they need a mom figure to turn to.

The plus one day…

I woke up this morning, went out back to smoke in the frosty darkness. I thought:

So I, am 1 today. One year ago today I woke up to live without you holding my hand. I’ve been doing it one my own for a year and a day now. I’m pretty sure I am going to make it. It does feel like it will be ever so much longer without you here. I miss your laugh and you quick witted, cutting humor. I miss your love, though I know it is still there following me, as mine still does you. It’s the loss of physical you. It’s made me feel so selfish because all of this grief has been about me. My sadness. My loss. My feelings. Me, me me.

I still cry, just not as often. I just went to get a tissue to wipe my eyes and saw your ashes in the slender vile. I had taken them out the other night because I was debating them taking you with me on the one year day; to have you close to me. Instead I left you here. When I saw the vile I began to really cry. Holding the vile close to try and hug what I have left of what physically held your beautiful soul and then tucking you back in my safety place.

I also realize that everyday, the randomness of death touches someone. If you are lost, wandering, not knowing how to deal with your grief and reading this… I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing I can say to you to make anything make sense, or stop hurting, but I do understand grief, and I am sorry you are here. My only words I can even attempt to share, the words I hang onto in the darkest moments are that Love…never dies. Physically, it changes how you live it, but it never dies, because it’s pure energy. I know that Melissa’s energy went back to beginning so it didn’t just die. It absorbed back into where it originated from. I originated from this place, and so did you. I just haven’t always recognized the moments that it still touches me, but a few times I have. Those little moments keep me going.

So, one year, plus one day. I still love you.

SicknSin

A Secure Feeling

20150222_175606[1]It took most of the day, but I did it. All the boxes I wanted, not just needed, but wanted to unpack, have been unpacked. All of the kitchen stuff I want to get at of mine, has been married in with his stuff. I organized his kitchen cupboards and did what he said a girl needs to do…nested.

He hasn’t seen it yet, but I am pretty sure he realized what he would be coming home to since I was looking through his cupboards containing pots, pans, and baking things and he asked what I was looking for. I just smiled and said, “Something to organize.” He smiled.

I went through my room and rearranged things so I was no longer bumping into stuff, and could find things.

You know what I feel like as I begin to let go and reclaim my life?

It’s OK for me to fly again. It’s OK for me to be excited about feeling secure and doing this thing Mr. Yummy and I are doing. To me, it all feels right. It really shook me when he said, “I know you, you dwell on things and you will use it to hurt yourself. I try to be nice to myself. Then he snickered and said, “Most of the time. And you should be nice to yourself too.”

This morning before he left, I thanked him for being selfish and self-centered and not letting me do anything. He smiled at me and said, “A girl has gotta nest.” So, nesting is what I did. I asked Mel, to please understand my need to get back to the now. I think she would. She would feel pretty shitty if I let her death derail the tracks I was trucking on down.

Till we meet again, my love.

Starting…to let go

butterflys

Ugh,

Dear Mel,

That was so hurtful to write, but it’s true, and it HAS to be true. My life has to go on. I can’t do with you, what I did with The Girl. I just can’t.

Mr. Yummy and I walked into his house last night from the grill. As I came through the front door, my laptop screen saver was you. You were in your pretty white dress that you dolled up in that night long ago in 93. I saw it, and it made me feel warm. I just thought, “I had the BEST friend in the world.”

A few minutes later, Mr. Yummy sort of cleared his throat, and sheepishly said, “You can’t do that to yourself.” I let the comment slide. We talked about dinner. he went through the list of things he bought me for lunch. Rice crispy treat snacks. (Good thing I only like the ones you make yourself, otherwise, at some of the moments I need to self-soothe over you, I’d be Kripsy hostage.)

He didn’t let it go. He said, “I know you. You’re focused.”

I pulled an Arie and said ::Blink::

“You like to dwell on things. You’ll hurt yourself with it. I’ve seen it before.” He stated, he wasn’t trying to make me feel like he was getting on me, but I think he is just nervous about what he saw with my grief over The Girl so many years ago. Yes, I was self-destructive about it. I lost him, because I didn’t think I deserved him.

Still, I could feel the water rush into my eyes as I sheepishly said, “I’m trying to get over her, I don’t know how to lose a best friend. I’ve never done it before.”

“It’s a terrible, terrible… It’s out-of-order and not natural and I feel really bad for you, but you’re going to have to put the pictures away. Save em in a file and look at it when you need to, but don’t leave something out that will pull you into it.”

::Blink Blink::

He talked about when he lost his mom, and that it wasn’t till about two months later, he had his total melt down. I realized, he is waiting for me to hit the melt-down that leads to acceptance. (Why are my eyes watering?) Is that how it works? DO I have to melt down to hit acceptance? I thought I’d just coast along and gradually accept it, albeit begrudgingly. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, I don’t know how I am going to finally put you to rest.

I do know, that I was happy with Mr. Yummy, before you went and died. I was happy with my job. I was happy with my growth, the only thing that really sucked, was missing you and missing The Girl. I had learned to live with no Girl, and getting every minutes worth of my unlimited cell, with you. Before, with Mr. Yummy, I was so lost and sad before he came along. I felt I needed him to feel happy, but that didn’t work, because I was still left with my feelings about myself, my value: to self and others. I swear, I’m going to get back to the happy the Love Tour was and is all about. I love you, but you get to take my secrets to the grave with you, and not my chance at happiness. I’ve worked too hard for it.

So, not because Mr. Yummy told me he thought I would have to get rid of my pictures of you, but because I have this folder, it’s in My Pictures. I created it when I went crazy. It’s called EJP. You know whose pictures are in there and you know WHY I put them in there. Because I love her to the Sun, moon, stars, and back and always will, but it hurts. Every once in a while I take them out and look, but not for long, and as soon as I feel the stab, I close it again.

I made your folder, in my screen saver program. It’s called  “I will Miss you…” and, I have un-ticked it, so that they no longer circulate. Typing that made my eyes burn and fill with tears my love, but Mr. Yummy is right, I need to be nice to myself. Now if I could just get him to realize that doesn’t include chocolate, he can be nicer to me in other ways.

I thought about this all day at work. It started with the realization that I had done exactly what Mr. Yummy spoke of with The Girl, to protect myself and be nice to myself about it, because I really have forgiven myself for how things went. No need to beat myself up anymore, or worse, hook up with someone who will literally do it for me. I’m not her anymore, and can’t go back to her. I also know you would be pissed off at me if I did. I know, you were happy for me. I know, you were proud of my growth and changes.

Mr. Yummy is OK with my extended family and my need to continue being involved in their lives. He understands that, and I am grateful. Somehow Mel, I don’t think I lied to you, when I promised you I was going to be OK with Mr. Yummy. I think I am on my way to getting that forty years of time, love and, tenderness he said he wanted to give me when we started way back in 2000. How many times did I tell you over the years that he said that to me, and I still wanted it?

I will always love you. Never will I forget you. I’ll probably still be your Pitt-bull till we meet again on my road. I will still write to you, about you, and step out on the back porch in the mornings and evenings and talk to you. I seem to have stopped wailing “WHY?!?!” to the sky, because it is all sinking in. This is just one small step, in a lot of baby steps to come, in my letting go process.

Sick n Sin. Again I’ll tell you, we did that saying proud. Thank you for the gift of your friendship. There will never be another you, For me, you will always be one of a kind.

I love you,

~C

Empty/Drained

empty-gas-guage

I want to choose the word carefully, because there is a big difference between them.

I just realized today is the 18th. That means it is my 3rd trip around the sun, since I went crazy. Anyway…

I don’t necessarily feel empty, but I do feel drained. This situation has been going on since I moved in with my sister and the way it played out wasn’t pleasant. I just need it to be over, need to have a little distance, and need to get a good breather in so she and I can talk again.

I can’t say that the guy who hacked her, wouldn’t have done it, even if she didn’t draw things out, or even if she had been more honest with him. We will never know this, but I do know, it wasn’t long after I moved in, that I started getting weird vibes from him.

I don’t know her new guy, the fiance. He lives East of the mountains here. I understand when the bitter ex went whack-o on her, that it scared her. I wish she wouldn’t have so easily run off, leaving me know nothing really for so many months. I’m sad about stuff, and believe she and I will work it out, but I am just drained and really trying to come to terms with being here at Mr. Yummy’s house. I’m breathing though.

I have so many things to do still before Sunday, yet I awoke with an icepick jamming into my left eye. I took my very last migraine pill which I have been hoarding forever and stayed at Mr. Yummy’s. I saved this pill specifically to use on my last migraine ever. Guess this was it. I don’t have body aches, so I am pretty sure it is not the flu, but I have been feeling run down lately. I just keep hoping once I make the move final and have everything out, I can take the days that I will not be working due to the holidays and rest. I will worry about what to unpack and where to cram things later.

Maybe I will even stop worrying that one day Mr. Yummy will look at me and ask, “Jeebus, what have I done?”

In a way I am scared shitless because I got exactly what I asked for. I DID ask the Universe to bring him back to my life. I love him in a way I have never loved anyone and I feel this need to protect him, from me. Does that make sense?

Example.

Here I have moved in, but I don’t know what we are doing. I asked him if I had a time line I had to be out by, he didn’t answer. I don’t want to unpack every single box I have, set up like a happy little couple and pretend we are going for it if I have to pack up and leave here, and him. I don’t want to offend him and take his offer of help, as something he might not be looking for. Do you see how the neurotic takes over and starts to “what if” me?

I know my favorite time of the day is bed time, when I get to spoon up next to him and breathe him in as I fall asleep. My least favorite time of day is 4AM, when I get up and have to crawl out of his bed and start my day, and yet I love my job, where I go, what I do.

In time, I will have to meet the fiance, but I won’t be talking about the things that have rocked my world the last seven months. These things are my sister’s choice and well…I don’t need my words on a blog being used against me again by anyone in my family…so I just hope that time and distance from all the drama will help this feeling go away.

I am grateful I reacted to my life’s traumas three years ago, by going crazy. I am hopeful that everything I went through so intensely during that spiritual awakening, is helping me make the right choices as I navigate, instead of impulsively reacting to things. I know I have handled everything this last year in a way I have never been able to do, and mostly, it was without great effort. I DO NOT want to go back to that person again. I will not step back into being that person who allowed fear to control my life.

So, here I go. Lets see how long it takes me to do this other I want to do.

Today

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Is the day.

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