Captivate me. I can be lost in the moments of us together, then suddenly, there is his face, hovering over me and his eyes staring into mine, my face in his hands and his in mine. He almost looks like he hurts as I read the burning curiosity in his eyes of, “What do you need?”
He never lets me stop and give up on getting mine. Last night he looked at me and said, “Oh no, I’m not stopping, not for a long time till I get out of you, what I want to pull out of you.”
Then I just get lost in us. It’s a flash of lips, mouths, tongues, sweat, fingers, breath, moans, groans and all the feelings he brings out of me at once. When I come back from that place, I am surprised my head is here, the blankets are there, and there are tears in my eyes.
I’ve never known a man who when he is with me, gives as much, selfishly, as he does.
He’s humble, but confident, and I love this about him. He can’t take a compliment for shit, unless it’s veiled in sarcasm, and I totally understand, why no one else has ever been able to do it for me. In being him, that yummy ball of sweet ocean, he set a bar high, very high, no one else has ever been able to reach it.
I still love him. I’ve been writing about him, of him, and to him for fifteen years now.
I know that dreaming is essential to sanity. When REM sleep is interrupted, people go insane. The brain needs that time to defrag and process the waking life.
But is the place of dreams real? Are those experiences just our life in another dimension? That place feels just as real as my waking life, but I know that reality, is just an “illusion” and that we have a greater hand in constructing this illusion, than we realize.
So what is this place of dreams, and what do my dreams from last nights, fitful, broken slumber mean?
I ask this, while having under my belt, at least 30 years of dream interpretations.
Does it just mean, today is one of the two’s birthday and I’m thinking of it all? Does it mean the other of two was thinking just as hard of me as I was dreaming of her?
I’m frightened of what I feel is coming, even though I have created this. I can scroll back to the post I wrote about it all.
One of the things that is starting to happen, now that I have been at the creating thing a few years, is that creations, create faster than when I first started.
I also told Mr. Yummy about the next step in my Spiritual Journey. I didn’t tell him that’s what it is, just like I’ve told you, the reader, the next step is coming, but I haven’t told you what the step is. I thought today was the day, but after last night, I woke and knew it is not today. I’m too caught up in my head now and wondering about this place where dreams happen. It felt so real and today my head knows it was “a dream” but my heart also knows that it, is feeling the emotion. The emotion wasn’t fake. It was real and exists.
I know one thing.
I have my next tattoo planned. I know the EXACT image, placements, and words. I think that this, will be the step after the next step. It’s all about doing and being
I have been asking myself what is so different about so many things in my life, but especially with Mr. Yummy.
It just hit me, that I don’t have that anxiety I used to get when I wasn’t with him. I worried. And I was living with him, so the only time we were apart, was for the work day, and that’s after we were on a long call job together.
Now I don’t see him for weeks at a time, talk on the phone…maybe monthly, and text a few times throughout the week. I’m OK with the way it is. I don’t think he’s going anywhere, and I am in it to see what we are doing.
I feel the same way about work. I’m happy there. I strive to get a little better at what I do, and I sleep well at night, when I am not hot flashing.
So that’s it. It’s Sunday. Time to just chill my last weekend night away.
I still over think things. I still get afraid, angry, frustrated and the whole host of emotions that are not the best vibrational plane to live within. The difference is that now, I do not live there. I am more able to look at the emotion, relate it to what in the past is triggering it, and tell myself to get back to the here and now.
I feel in control of my emotions in ways I have never felt before. It is not that I want to THANK my ex boyfriend for shattering my orbital floor, then a year later, assaulting me. It’s not that I want to THANK my daughter, who I unconditionally love, for refusing to have a relationship with me, but telling me I was going to be a grandmother, then not letting me see my grandson before he died. But I don’t honestly know it I would be where I am today had the assault not happened within 12 hours of learning of my grandson’s death.
I simply broke. I could get no lower. I hit, what they call, rock bottom. For me there were two places to go. Death or life. In choosing life, I accepted that forgiving everyone and loving every single person I meet or cross paths, or FEEL on this Earth, in this Universe and, beyond…that I had gone crazy.
My brain knows that Trauma= Love is not a typical, nor sane reaction. But for me, it has worked and in weird ways, I am grateful for whatever it took to get me here. My heart and soul know that it IS right. My soul knows that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Within this human experience is the loss of spirituality. Religion has taught us to ignore the spiritual. It became evil and silly in the eyes of the church. You disconnect the people from the spirit, which I believe KNOWS instinctively how things work outside of the human experience and you control them with religion.
I say that, and I can hear people think that because I don’t have religion, I can’t be in touch with God. Those people would be wrong, but then they might be thinking from the place that the church rules. I am free to think whatever of God, my Creator, the Source of all or whatever you need to call it.
Since I have come to this insanely sane place…I manage my emotions a lot differently. Part of it is the belief we are one, part of it is knowing we all have had traumas and I can forgive that. Realizing the whole trauma thing, was what FINALLY led me to the most important forgiveness one person can give…forgiveness of myself.
I know what my human experience has been for up to this point, as well as what it is here and now. Knowing all this has made it much easier to manage my emotions.
I am grateful.