At A Loss…

We had a mutual friend. Mel introduced me to her. I dragged another friend of mine into it, and we had ourselves a group of girlfriends.

We would meet every third Saturday of each month for almost two years for a Ladies night. We would take turns dragging one guy along with us to act as our designated driver and community dance partner. Said male would wear the title “Goat Boy”.

There was nothing ever sexual between us and a Goat-Boy. A lot of them thanked us later for allowing them to be a fly on the wall. Apparently men don’t get the opportunity to listen to a gaggle of women sit around, blow off steam, and honestly talk. I remember one particular Goat-Boy just disappeared on us and we had to call a friend to come get us deposited at home that night, because we embarrassed him off with our conversation. Three of us were mothers, two of us were divorced. We were focused on our night out as friends, drinking, blowing off steam and having conversations like women do: No Filter.

We were a tight group for quite a while. Eventually boyfriends, divorce, work and location slowed the monthly gigs, but Mel and I never drifted.

Mel used to bail her out of payday loans. Mel was always there for her, but I noticed when Mel needed help, she wasn’t there for Mel. On the occasions I’d run into her at Mel’s, we were polite, and I accepted her because she was Mel’s friend and she as a rule, wasn’t an awful person to be around. She just had a weird competitive thing with Mel, but she could meet a fencepost, and start a conversation with them, as well as keep them laughing. She was funny AF.

She and I stopped communicating when I called her out on not helping Mel out when she needed a place to stay for a few months. Mel had ALWAYS opened her door to this person and her children. I was flabbergasted she told Mel no. I insisted Mel come stay with me, but the distance between my place, and her work was too much and she wound up sleeping in her Bronco with one of her kids, in a rest area off I-5 near Wild Waves. I never spoke to this person again, till after Mel died. We spoke on the phone. She wanted to know why Mel refused to ever speak to her again. She was crying, because I know she was hurt and regretted losing Mel as a friend. I told her why. I didn’t do it with malice, or cruelty, but I gave her the answers she never was able to figure out. She cried, and I felt bad for her, but I didn’t keep up any communication with her after that.

Last night I got a text from someone else who knew her. She died yesterday morning. I wasn’t told how, my contact with the source of the news, did not know. I reached out to someone who was friends with Mel and her and found out how she died. it was instantaneous.

I felt some ways about this.

I didn’t feel, “Thoughts and Prayers, Rest in Peace”, but I also didn’t feel, “Fuck you bitch, you deserved it.” I kind of immediately knew, that she went to the same place Mel went to and their energy became one. I know that in this space their energy now lives, there is no human baggage. I knew, they were OK with each other, in fact they are one. Still, something wasn’t sitting right with me. This morning I went to visit mom, and I was telling her all this and it suddenly hit me and it just slipped out.

Because of what I believe happens when our body dies, because I believe their energy returned to our original source, damnit, I’m jealous! This isn’t how any of this was supposed to happen and I want to be the one with Mel!

My poor mother’s face. She immediately asked, “But you’re not going to make that happen are you?”

No, I’m not. But none of this was supposed to happen this way.

I’m going to go see my friend I dragged into Ladies night. We are the last two left out of our little group of four and I have been home isolated since March 05, 2020. My mom, her room mate and my sister are the only ones I have socialized with since becoming fully vaccinated. A little drive to the coast will do me some good and maybe heal a little bit of this re-opened wound.

I miss you Mel.