Life might be short, but I am glad that we are going slow. For us, anything beyond “Hello” is slow.
The first time we dated, he was taking me home after the first date. He looked at me and said, ” I really want to turn my truck around and take you home with me.” I looked at him and asked, “Well, why aren’t you?” We were together till the day I went to Alaska. I instantly moved in with him. I instantly fell in love with him. I instantly wished I had my child with him. I instantly wanted the brass ring and everything promised in fairy tales.
I have never in my life have loved anyone like I love him. Never in my life, have I ever felt so loved by anyone like I felt from him. Even through all of my insecurities and heartaches back then, he would look at me with such a soft, moist and loving look, it used to scare the shit out of me.
He told me the reason he is scared shitless, is because once we were intimate, we were inseparable. He’s right. He never left my side. He was emotionally confused by all of the manifestations of my life trauma, but he never left my side, and I had never seen that because I felt so emotionally abandoned by him. It is dawning on me how intensely he will love me again and I am glad we haven’t just fallen into bed. We started in 2000, in bed. We reconnected again in 2002 in bed, we were an “affair” in 2005/2006. He was the one with someone else, and I didn’t give a fuck. I wanted what I let go and KNEW was supposed to be “mine”. I’ve never called us an affair before, but I bet that is exactly how she saw it. I know his daughter saw it that way, she called me at work and told me to “stay the fuck away from her family!” I was devastated because I loved her as much as I could love someone else who wasn’t my daughter. In my fantasy…she was happy for us.
There is a lot of water under our bridge and for the first time, we have talked about things. I had a lot of shit going on then and was an open wound. Seeing as much, he loved me anyway, and tried to keep his shit that he was going through, to himself. I believe he was protecting me, as well as being private about his own struggles.
I have always loved him, and will always love him. I am sure, he is the love of my life. We have talked about being together again, wondering if we will be as good? (and knowing instinctively, yes!) The funny thing is, we actually have decided that the first time we sleep together again, we are not going to sex one another. We both have the desire to cuddle, like we used to. We would sleep together like Velcro. I would throw my leg over his body, he would wrap an arm around my leg and we were one. “Leg-up baby!”
He told me the other night he would listen to our breathing sync up, then sometimes fall out of sync. I would listen to that, and his heart, because my head was always on his chest.
He did answer my soul question. He was referring to the music/lyric I was sharing with him which translates the person I am inside. He still touches me in places no one else has ever reached.
Life just got a little sweeter. I’m scared, because you need to look before you leap, still waters run deep…but this is worth leaping and trusting the net will appear.