I am like a dry alcoholic, but alcohol is not my tool for coping. I had an altogether different set of skills for that.
In my late thirties, is discovered sex, or orgasm to be more accurate, is a GREAT distraction from feeling anything icky.
The thing that sucked was I stayed single, or to be again more accurate, celibate. I still had orgasm, LOTS OF ORGASMS, I just didn’t have the aid of human interaction.
When I started dating WHN, I went cold turkey on the coping skills. I packed up my bag of tricks and into storage they went. It was sort of easy to do that because all of a sudden I had access to the “real thing”. Although we had a lot of sex, it was a situation (for me) of quantity over quality.
The year after leaving WHN, I was just “Off”. The switch was flipped and I didn’t have a sexual desire in me.
Well, that all changed, when “my current boyfriend” (I don’t know what we are as of late) came back into the picture, last May. We were like sharks in chum. He came here, I went there, we were hot and heavy for 6 months, then it got hard. 2000 miles is a lot of miles and I grew to love/hate my phone. We both “turned it off”, and avoided taking our conversations there.
Last night, all I wanted was to just not feel the shit I feel. I knew I could get in my car, go to WHN and get laid. I really, REALLY wanted to go there…just not with him. And that’s not really how I want to cope. Going out and getting fucked isn’t love.
I’m very clear on what it is I crave.
I am feeling unloved by a particular person, and I am letting it bother me. I know that there is a whole Source of love out there and all I have to do is tap into again, but I am only staying there part-time. It’s not like it was when I first exploded into awareness and I couldn’t look into the eyes of another living being and not see a soul, and it’s connection to mine and find a beauty in one, because one encompassed everything within a perpetual circle, making all one and connected to love.
I do not like to admit it, but this thing with you has fucked me up.
I will never, ever admit to you, what all I feel, because I can’t even deal with it all. Besides I have learned that over the years when discussing my feelings, often they are invalid.
I just want to process it all so I can put all these icky feelings behind me but it has been so long since I have gone all icky, I feel like I fucking CAN’T! But if I don’t go there and say the things I am feeling, how am I to let go of them?
Where’s my damn congruence!?
I guess the good thing is that I was open, because after WHN, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to open myself up to another person, even to chance getting hurt.
The reason every woman you have ever been with has called you selfish, might have to do with this selfish stunt. This dance you are doing with your depression, the self medicating, the denial and lies…are not fucking gracious.
Your fear must be huge.
My sadness is ginormous, and I need this shit to go away pretty fucking fast, because this is a dance I don’t want to do.
The saddest part, is I understand, don’t judge you, and still love you.