I’ve wanted to write you for so long now, but just haven’t let myself do so. So much to say, so much has changed, and I’ll never be the same.
I’m not over you and I am accepting I never will be. I’m not walking around crying all the time and it doesn’t consume me 24/7 like the first year, but the wound has not healed. Sean is gone. He pretty much checked out when you had the stroke. He didn’t even wait for you to die. As soon as I went into my best friend is dying mode, he checked out because it didn’t fit with his carefree, no responsibility, my joy comes from my bike and a bottle, lifestyle. Do I regret it? No, I had to know and now I do. It is a relief to have let go of the last 16 years of loving and missing a memory.
In the midst of losing everyone close to me, I lost my job. Girl, I got fired. Never have I been fired and it totally fucked with my sense of worth. I got fired June 20th and was back to employment by September 1st. The day I got fired, I was headed to sign a lease on a great house. I couldn’t pull the trigger knowing I lost my job, so I am again, without my own doors. The goal is to be moved before December. I;m waiting for my sister to get back from an out of town job and then, we look again. They boys are going to help me move, though they don’t know it completely yet.
I miss our talks and our laughs. You, as my soul mate, fed my soul. It misses you, as do I. I can’t help but feel like you knew it was time to check out.Can you believe the state of the world? Trump is the GOP Nominee. The DNC stole the election from Sanders. Republicans have been invading the party of the donkey and they have become the new Dempublicans. It’s a free for all on Black lives, because we SAY #BlackLivesmatter, but you know us, our words and actions differ. We ain’t woke yet.
The last Indian Wars have started. Currently we have #StandingRock, #BakkenPipelineReistance, #MississippiStand, all protecting the fact that #WaterIsLife and the people say #NoDAPL. I pray we #GetWoke. If not, I’ll be joining you a lot sooner, than I thought.
I feel such guilt at NOT being at Standing Rock.
Someone in my family had this done. This is NOT MY DNA test, but that of an older sibling so since we have the same parents…I personally think this test is not accurate for what I want to know. I also don’t trust anyone who just wants to sell me a membership. We talked about this when you were alive. You knew the reasons I wanted the multi thousand dollar test verses the ones from genealogy sites The Native Signature is there. I AM Indigenous. I’ll never know my tribe and I remain a split feather, but it’s there. The fight is now Spanish or Mexican. My sister denounces any Mexican blood, but since “Mexican” is the result of rape by Spaniards and the Nican Tlaca, I identify for now, as NicanTlaca, Indigenous and European.
I miss your huge tiny being. My new job (Driving for a catering company) gives me a lot of time to think about you. I think about you EVERY DAY multiple times a day. I sometimes carry your ashes with me. I haven’t snorted them yet.
I really miss you my love. I will leave you for now, with images close to my heart.