Last night I made an awesome dinner. After cleaning, each of us retired to our rooms. I had a DVD playing. I was watching Spanglish; I love cooking themed movies. As the movie ended I went outside. I thought I heard screaming over my sound.
Ickie stick in hand, I step out. Instantly I am hit with their voices, shrill and booming. Our motion sensor light spots me and does its thing. They don’t stop. I sit down and light up. I am now below the hedge and out of view.
She, (Shrill) and He (Booming) were really on a roll. I stood to go in when Shrill throws their window open and REALLY assaults the night with their madness. I can not understand her, as she is shrilling broken English. He on the other hand is Booming and I can clearly hear him scream, “You need to stop assaulting me!” And all 6′ whatever frame of his is towering over her petite silhouette. Booming slams the window back closed. Shrill opens it back up and Shrilled, “Fuck You!” in my direction.
Then is see and hear it with my eyes, ears and, heart. Skin on skin. She just slapped him. He screams back to not hit him. She hits him again, screams more, and then he hits her back.
I called 911 and reported what I saw. I very clearly stated that from what I witnessed, SHRILL assaulted Booming first before his giant frame assaulted back.
It took another 15-20 minutes before it got quiet.
Here is the weird thing, and I noticed it right away. I watched and of course, wasn’t detached, because I was watching, but I also was detached, because I wasn’t triggered. I didn’t physically feel that fight or flight surge. I don’t know how to describe what I felt as I watched, other than foreign.
I did not start shaking uncontrollably. I didn’t flash back to anything from my past. I didn’t become afraid within me. But I am concerned that they might kill one another. I don’t want to have to be calling 911 every time they fight. But I will.
Nothing will bring out the hostilities in me faster than beating the tar out of one another though. I don’t really want to be hostile with my neighbors, but I do not want to be subject to their violence. I told Ginger this morning what happened last night because she was OUT after the meal I prepared. She said they had been yelling on Easter. She then asked me if we should call someone and report it today? I told her I already did last night. She was happy I had done this.
If I didn’t have a history, I am sure I would have anyway, but the history and some vague memory of being a victim, did compel me. I wonder if any of the other neighbors called? Certainly I was not the only one to hear it.
One year ago today, I started to live. I took my life back. I had a spiritual awakening, an epiphany so amazing that I am only recently realizing I will never be “that girl” again.
I woke up not too long after this day, a year ago; and felt no hate. I felt no fear. I felt no contempt or negative energy in me. I felt love. I felt love for those I carried more hate and animosity for than I knew I could feel. I felt love for those I love, who have hurt me so deeply that I felt traumatized, victimized, and vandalized by. I cried and went outside and knew I was apart of everything I could see and hear and it was a part of me.
I felt joyous, peaceful, warm, full of energy, and connected to it all. I “knew” things all of a sudden, like I had known them all my life. It became so simple and I rode the wave.
I wondered if this was finally crazy? If it was, I kind of liked it. The “old” me was still loud enough that I could hear me screaming, “This isn’t a normal reaction to living a life dipped in shit!” I went to my doctor and I went to a psychologist and asked if I had finally gone into Crazytown?
I was told that I was revisiting some PTSD, but that no…I wasn’t crazy. Reacting with love isn’t normal, unless you’re mother Theresa or you are planning to off yourself (which I wasn’t), but both professionals thought I was on a more personal and spiritual path and to follow it if I thought I needed to. Though my doctor asked if I wanted to start taking some anti depressant, I replied that I did not. She asked me if I just wanted to enjoy feeling really shitty about the recent events that had played out in my life? I replied that I wanted to feel it, not enjoy it, but not numb it. I also react to meds totally different from most people. What makes you sleepy, jacks me up. My doctor knows this and she also knows that if I tell her I have taken mood altering drugs and the side-effects overpower any therapeutic benefits, to respect my choice.
So, here I am one year later. I can still hear what it sounded like in my head as my world fractured and all the people I have ever been in my life, crumbled.
And then I woke up.
I made a choice. I made a choice to stop living in fear, past trauma, anger, resentment, hate and negative energy. I realized that those were the energies I was feeding the world and Universe. I clearly saw that those who had traumatized me, had learned it throughout life by careful conditioning, as conditioned as some of us were to be victims, others are conditioned to victimize. I realized how controlled we are by this system.
I chose to believe and know that I am part of something much bigger, that I have been distracted from by living in the negative.
I chose to accept that love is part of creation and fear is a part of destruction. I discovered my connection to the universe, and I realized my soul is my connection to the source of everything.
My choice, is to live in love. and that is what I will continue to do.
WE can raise the bar. To say, “No, we can’t.”, is to limit love, and love is unconditional and infinite. I have had enough. This last week, sickens me. It sickens me to live in a world where this shit keeps happening over and over and nothing is done. “No, we can’t.”
Yes, we must.
The choice is yours and regardless of what people say, the time IS now.