Indifference

It’s what I have come to feel.

She hurled hate at me. She blames, blames, blames, but has no desire to know the truth. She hides, safe in the bubble of familiar.

She watches me. Pretty odd for someone who doesn’t give a shit. I care, but I don’t. I will never set myself up to be punished by her again. Were she to try and contact me, I don’t know how far I would be willing to go. I will never turn away someone I love. Make no mistake, I love her, but I also will never let a dog who bites, bite me again. I am also very , very unlikely to bring her around Mr. Yummy. I keep him safe. We may have been through some shit this last year, but we are finally talking. There is finally some fire burning again, and he is…above my abusive and abusing past.

I feel less and less for her, because that is what SHE wants. I don’t know if I would ever turn it around or could trust again.

This is not what I ever wanted, but I am OK with it, because I have to be OK with it. Unlike her (you, because I know your eyes or someone else is checking in) I don’t stalk. I am strong enough to face anything. Surviving the losses I have survived the last five years, has taught me this.

So the hate she invests in me, is not hurting me. I don’t feel it, seething and eating away and robbing her soul of peace. It doesn’t hurt me, not like it hurts her. It has actually started to fade, because I have no choice.

I took a new step yesterday. It’s one I have been thinking of doing for a few years, to ratchet up that Spiritual journey.

Sometimes baby steps are actually micro steps.

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About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on January 11, 2016, in Domestic Violence, Me, Relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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