Walking After You

Only you could hear this, and understand my true meaning and how this relates to our friendship, my loss, coming to after the wreckage of the stroke.

Mr. Y and I had a talk a while ago. It wasn’t pretty. I don’t know if he meant to use his words to hurt me, but he did. The worst part, was him saying I was made the CHOICE to go to you in Texas, put myself in debt, etc. and that it was different from the choices he would have made. I mean I felt bad about the fact that I ran to you. I felt like it was wrong, but on the same hand, only I know I have been silently wishing I hadn’t gone, and given myself those last memories of you. No the worst part was him spitting at me that I have made him feel like a storage unit, a toaster and that he has given me everything and I want more.

I realize though, that I knew you were dying. As soon as D said the words, “My mom had a stroke and is in surgery now having a clot removed from her brain”. I knew.

And yet I don’t regret you dying and knowing, I was there for you and loved you and I had your back. It’s just that now, I hear the line, “If you walk out on me, I’m walking after you…I’m on your back” I lived this and it didn’t have a happy ending.

You can’t be everything. If you were, then I made a mistake of not eating a bullet and living another day to say I am alive. You just can’t be everything. My life was happening without you being here. You left a long time ago to Texas and I thought I would die then, but I learned to adjust. I learned to live again. I learned to be happy again. Granted I was on the phone with you damn near every day, I had learned to live without you in many ways. I began taking chances, I reached out for happiness and pretty much had it till the day you had a merry strokemas.

As much as I love you, I remain SO disappointed in you. You were too smart to be that stupid. So selfish. You left your fucking kids. You put something really other than them in first place. At first it was a person. Then it became the self medication. I have moments where I am still really fucking pissed off at you. It leaves me sitting here thinking, “Fuck you and your anguish. Thanks for destroying so many other lives (mine) on your fucking way out you bitch.”

I miss you and love you.

And always fucking will.


About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on September 26, 2015, in grief and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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