Fuck if things aren’t hard. I take eight steps forward and fall back seven. I cried on the way home today for the first time in a long time. My life is so shattered. How can it be that this is sidelining me so fucking hard?
I’m up to my what’s it with Mr. Yummy. I feel a fool. I’ve been in love with him for 15 years and here I am living with him and I feel so cast aside. I told him I feel like he doesn’t even like me. He says he does, but the thing is…I have become a friend. I’m an old friend that he happens to fuck. I don’t ask him for much, and as more time goes by, I ask for less. I feel…negated.
How much of this is because I lost you, and how much is because we will never be what we were before?
I can’t do this Mel. I hear myself say, “I don’t stay where I am not wanted.” I feel the ramping up of the “bolt” but I am so aware that I ran before so I refuse to run, and I stay somewhere that I have become sad, miserable and worst of all, lonely.
I want to give up. This is the first time I have said this to another living soul. I don’t feel good.
That’s all for now.
I fucking miss the world out of you and I am hating on life right now.