I’m starting to feel again.
Last night Mr. Yummy made me laugh. That was the third time I have laughed and felt it since Christmas day of 2014.
I still am having good days and bad days. Some of the bad days are REALLY bad and some of the good days, are pretty good. I will take that because at least it’s not all just this soul crushing loss. That’s good, right?
Mr. Yummy said that at this age, we should be sort of used to it, but you my love, were my first very, very, close loss and it was more devastating than anything I have known. It has been worse than the loss of my daughter, because I know she wakes each day and takes air into her lungs.
Can you believe that?
You were there every step of my journey with her. You saw it all including the years and years of self-torture I put myself and others around me through. You never left my side though, and you unconditionally loved me through it and saw me coming out of that fucking hole to taste happiness. You saw the beginning of my shine, and we both marveled at how bright I had become. So since I am telling you, that your death was harder than what you watched me go through for years, imagine how hard this has been for me. I am by no means saying I am through feeling this loss. I will always feel it, but I am seeing a light and the end of this total isolating tunnel of sadness, mourning, and grief I have been stuck in.
I hope the things I am doing after your death are right. I’m just trying to get through the memorial, and then I’m taking my life back from the people who call themselves your family. I know you love a few of them, but I just can’t keep up any type of interactions once I go watch other people say good-bye to you. I’ll eventually let you go, but I’ll never say good-bye, because you are still with me. Today I “felt” you in the dip room with me. Perhaps as more happy memories of our damn near 25 years together, return to my thoughts, I will “feel” you more.
That was probably one of the more horrible things, I couldn’t really remember any of the good times, everything was swallowed by the darkness of surrendering to the loss of you. To think of your true laughter, was something so elusive, and all I could see was the laughter I managed to give you in NICU and Hospice. Though those moments of laughter that we shared between us, will remain precious as fuck, it is the moments of you laughing full, loud, open mouth, head back, and hair loose, that will remain my companions also and I was afraid that none of those memories would come back. They are starting to.
As always, I miss you and love you and forever we will be sick n sin.