Remember that fight Jack, as in Ass and I had over my mother fluffing artichoke that he kept trying to destroy and succeeded as soon as I left? One of the things I wanted to get done, was be stable, secure, and rooted enough to attempt to plant another one.
Well, I planted my choke today. 19 years later, I planted my choke. I feel…not what I thought I would feel on this day.
It’s not that I don’t feel, though part of me doesn’t. It’s that I am not stable, secure or rooted and I see doom in the future for Mr. Y and myself because I finally get it.
I committed the cardinal sin. It’s not that I intentionally set out to fuck with his family, or would ever dream of creating a wedge, or being the same, but regardless of that fact, the reality of the situation is that I caused a giant wedge between he and his loved ones. It doesn’t matter that someone did the same to me, only that I committed this sin.
I don’t think I’ll ever be forgiven and that just makes me sad. And miss you even more because I can’t call and cry about it.
Where the fuck do I fit in my own life anymore and how am I going to learn to get the fuck out of my own way? I am scared now to touch people. Gardening yesterday with Danolyn (who now calls me Princess instead of Shrill Harpie) I had seeds explode on me while weeding and they all stick to me. My pants, my sleeves, my shoes, my gloves, everything had seed stuck to it. All I could see was bugs. I started to kind of mildly freak out. He saw and just said, “OK Princess, they are just seeds.”
That’s all for today.
I miss you still, and got a grief packet in the mail that I just opened and had a good cry over.