It’s Friday

20150105_201830This is what happened last time. I think.

We had problems, each of us.

We have problems now too. Each of us.

Scabies is a problem. The fact I came home from sitting in NICU and hospice for 11 days with them, and then gave them to him is a HUGE problem. We share this problem, that was MY problem. Well, it should have been MY problem, but it became our problem.

The fact that my best friend just died is a problem. It, here at home, is MY problem. But it is his problem in that I became so sad. I became sad in a way that I never thought I’d be sad. It fucking sucks.

The fact that he had a simple life, that he greatly enjoyed and opened his home to me and that went right out the fucking window is another HUGE problem we share. It is his problem in the sense I disrupted his peace and harmony. It is my problem, in the same way and I feel like shit about it.

He’s so quiet and distant right now, and it hurts me deeply that he has pulled away. It makes me want to flee and I hear myself thinking the words I have always used to run. “I don’t stay where I am not fucking wanted.”

I am fighting that so fucking hard and just hoping that some day, one day in the future, we will find our way back to each other.

I fell asleep the last two nights with tears in my eyes. I cried this morning at work, when I was alone in the dip room.

Clove oil has become the new crack cocaine for me. Not that crack cocaine has ever been my thing (yuk), but it’s true It is killing some scabies. Problem is…I want all of them killed, and their little fucking eggs. I’m going to have to make a post when I get this done and jot down what works and what doesn’t. So far, Permethrin three times has NOT worked, but the clove oil seems to kill them. It DOESN’T appear to be killing the eggs though and I fear as they hatch and I kill them, they will already have left more eggs. I go see my doctor Monday and see if I can try the pill.

I knew I loved Melissa, I just didn’t realize HOW MUCH I loved her till she was gone.

I finally have talked to her mother and we have pretty much buried the hatchet, so to speak. It is not my place to judge her. I live in a glass house. I have given her the information about the scabies now that Melissa’s son AND daughter both have them. I am waiting to hear if her middle child, the new daddy has them. He’s been spending some time with his new baby so I am scared there.

We are still short for the memorial service in July so I am going to be posting the GoFundMe link a few more times and I ask anyone reading this, please…if you can afford anything, even a dollar, please, donate.

Melissa’s Memorial Service Fund, has raised $620 and most of it is from my friends and I thank you SO much, but we need to raise double that and we need to do it by July. I am going to make another donation after I finish paying back the $680 I had to borrow due to losing work, then coming home and having the flu for a week and a half.

I’m going to go eat a salad. Happy Friday.


About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on April 24, 2015, in grief, Honey Bee, Love, Relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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