Grief Counceling Day
Second session. Much more comfortable than the first. The first actually helped me a lot in many ways. The first being I had to fill out paperwork regarding why I was there, and who I lost. I had to fill your name in “Who did you lose?” ________________
“What is your relationship with the person you lost?” ________________ “How did you lose the person?” ________________
Filling out that form sucked. It made my cry super hard as I filled it out. It made it become so real. I spent the last few weeks accepting: There was no mistake. You are gone. You aren’t ever going to make my phone ring again. I’m never going to hear your beautiful laugh again. It’s real.
It has sucked learning all this.
It has been good for me to learn that everything I have been going through, is normal. It has been good to learn that I may never be the same, because I feel that. Part of me left with you and that is normal. My thoughts of giving up, have been normal. Finding I don’t want to give up, is even better.
Today we talked, ironically, about vulnerability. It was odd, since she said it before I even brought up the Brene Brown talk I posted yesterday. I grew a pair and came back to Mr. Yummy’s and told him have a little voice in the back of my head telling me that he wants me not to even be here. He shook his head no, and said “No, I don’t feel that.” That was all we said. That was enough vulnerability for me with him today. I didn’t tell him it was the same voice I heard before I fled to Alaska. I haven’t told him I have started grief therapy. I haven’t told him I am dying for a hug (he can’t hug me, HE’S clean now) It was just all enough. getting out I have a voice telling me to run, was enough for one day.
I talked to your daughter today. I miss her and can’t wait for her to come home. She got the all clear to come home. I can’t wait. SIL told her I am not invited to your memorial.. Really? Mini Me is fit to bust a nut, but she has no nut to bust. She said you would be flaming pissed off mad at them for how they have treated me. There were so many people in that house, and yet it had to have been ME who ripped you off, because they obviously didn’t stop to think maybe it was some of the people THEY brought in. I remember being really uncomfortable with everyone being gathered in your bathroom, unsupervised, so I went in and started to talk to Mini Me about stuff with SIL, just to be able to shut the doors in the bathroom and get some of the people who were in your space, like it wasn’t still your space. Perhaps one day, when someone croaks the bucket, they will find A’s stolen ring. I don’t even know what it looks like because the only ring I saw you wear on a regular basis was the one RR got you.
I miss you. I hope bringing Mini Me home is the right thing. I hope she can transition here and deal with D.
I’m going to watch for our words to appear. Like I look for 11:11. Maybe if I see them enough, I will know you feel I honored you.
I’m taking Friday off to do what better be my last treatment. I need to rid of the Texas parasites.