I Know


Dear Mel,

The one thing I know, is that you wouldn’t want your death to destroy me eternally. I think you would be pretty pissed off at me if I stopped the Love Tour. I know it had come to a slow crawl while dealing with Ginger and then my sister’s stuff with her boys. But at the same time. I kept at it. I was still at the Ginger’s house when I first talked to Mr. Yummy again.

I listened to a good Tedx talk today.

You allowed me, as I allowed you, to be vulnerable with one another. You were also watching me learn to be vulnerable in my life, to experience, and feel worthy of love and happiness. I was watching you become more like I used to be, and steadfastly standing by you…because I understood that feeling of, “WTF?!? I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT!!!” But you were angry and I knew it.

I have to allow myself to keep going on my journey. I know you would want that. Mr. Yummy, or not. I do deserve the love I discovered, then incorporated into my life. You were the first person I told when I thought I went crazy. You were there for the drastic change my life took and you were my biggest cheerleader. Regardless of the turns your life was taking, you kept cheering me on. “I’m so happy and proud of you girl.”

Those words meant and still mean so much to me. I wish I could have saved you. I wish I would have known what you were doing. I wish I never got that phone call. I wish you were still here. I can wish in one hand, and shit in the other, I’ll still have two handfuls of shit, because you aren’t coming back.

Do you remember the time you were driving me home from Gig Harbor to Mukilteo? We were in I-5 in your old Blazer. Suddenly a car in the fast lane lost it’s tire and hubcap. The car went ass over teakettle and the tire rolled over four lanes, up the hill, then back down the hill, crossing the lanes right in front of us, almost nailing us. We were so busy looking at the wreckage ahead of us, we didn’t see the peripheral.

Do you remember the time I thought you were dying in front of me after that doctor gave you an Imitrex injection without telling you what it was, then sent you out of the office without the required in office wait time…just in case you were the 2% of the population with a severe reaction? By the time you got to my apartment, I had to load you, my daughter and your son up and rush you to the emergency room.

This isn’t like that.

I can’t get stuck here, and I can’t have your death start me asking, “Am I a good person?”

I question if I made you feel honored through the process you went through as you died? Did I do right by you? Did I have your back? Were you proud of me?

I know your tears were tears of love. But did I honor our friendship? Did I do enough for you? People say I did. People tell me I honored you and that I was a good friend all the way to the end.

Neener and I reconnected. It’s been ten years. I told her everything. She said that the Universe is a funny place. It takes and it gives, and maybe I had Mr. Yummy come back into my life, to be there when you left. I don’t know. Sucky trade off.

I miss you, your laugh, your wit, your speed, your mind and your love. Though I suppose your love for me, hasn’t died, since it is energy. I just have yet to tap back into it. I wish you could help me.


About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on April 13, 2015, in Death, grief, Honey Bee, Life, Love, Me, Relationships, Universe and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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