I’ve been trolling WordPress blogs using the tag “grief”.
It is comforting, in a really fucked up way to know there are so many people out there, who know what I mean when I say I am FULL of grief that I have never known before. Thank you to all of you who have been open and tried to write your way out of this place that seems like purgatory to me.
To anyone who has read my blog over the course of the last 5 years or so (including my original, dead, freshly and finally deleted yesterday) “Snee Made Me Do It” site, know that I am more spiritual, rather than religious. I don’t feel that because I say Universe or Source, instead of God, that this makes me any lesser than a Christian.
I realized this morning, as I was reading “what i wanted to tell Flo today” that even though we may have different beliefs, we are angry at the same thing. I have read many of you type of an anger at God. I have also seen many of you type about how God has pulled you through it.
I don’t understand how the Universe, could extinguish such an amazing flame. So as I am standing in the kitchen window, staring out at the day rising over my car, I ponder the question, “Am I a bad person?” “Did I somehow do SOMETHING to be dealt such a cruel blow by my beloved Universe?”
There are so many things I saw in my minds eye, clear as day involving Mel. Grand-babies, being grandmas together, being the two little old ladies standing in line at Zippy’s Giant Burgers, shocking young people with how cool we are and what we actually “get”. Wearing purple together, weddings, and basically, always being there by her side, because…she would have moved back home and we would have been together again, thick as thieves, through sick n sin, just like peas and carrots.
And yet Universe took that all away. Even though I can still see these things. In this life, they will never come to fruition and I feel fucking robbed. I’m mad at that. My constant is gone. Fuck you, how dare you. Why do I deserve this absolute soul crushing loss?
Did I have to give up Mel because I asked to Universe to bring Mr. Yummy back into my life? Is this a sick joke? Because my sadness, on top of the absolute freak out that I STILL have scabies after two treatments, and now that Mr. Yummy is clear, there is a divide between us that scares the fucking shit out of me. So really, if it was a sick joke of a fucking trade off…I don’t get it. The punchline makes no sense to me. I am not Christian, yet I feel like Job.
I have to try really hard to ignore that old, old, self defeating voice in my head, that just SCREAMS out at me to “RUN BEFORE HE CAN REJECT YOU!”
Well, that came out of the woodwork.
Did I mention, I miss you?
Ummmm, that’s what I did last time, and didn’t even realize it till years later.