And So, Life Goes On (this is some weird shit)

Dear Mel,

I bet in a zillion years, you didn’t see this bonding with M and me happening.

I sent him a FB messy this morning, asking him who R&L S are, because they have requested friendship. He said, “Call me.”

Upon talking to M, I found out who they are and he told me NOT to add them. Do you know everything now? Wherever your energy resides, are you privy to any full disclosure regarding this life? I’m listening to him. Talking to him about names and stories I have heard all my friendship from you, is weirdly comforting, because he sounds like you. He wants nothing really to do with the family.

Sorry to say it, but I told him the things I don’t like about J and SIL. I don’t feel too bad, because I remember your issues when you lived there. I know you love J, but I don’t. I don’t hate either of them, I sorta understand, but yeah, no love loss there. I feel so bad in a way, because all the years I thought I had the corner market on fucked up family trees. We really are were from the basic same mold.

I get the feeling, M knows what I was to you. How tight we were as friends.

I remember looking in your eyes, and laughing to myself, then saying to you: You know, I always hated the word “soul-mate.” You looked at me and I stated, “So many women have serial soul-mates, that I have grown to not like the word. But you know what?” Your eyes got big. You looked at me like you knew how serious I was being. I began to cry as I told you, “I just realized my soul mate has been right in front of me all these years.”

Your brow furrowed, your face scrunched and you began to cry with me. I wiped your tears first, then shared the tissue with you.

I was so lucky to have known what we knew. I will miss it so much. I won’t spend years doing what I did with Mr. Yummy. I kept waiting for someone to “knock him off the top”. No one could, and in the end, my heart remained and remains with him. I know that will never change. You two are the two different loves of my life. You were my friend, he is my lover, but it was like having a two-sided coin. You two became the closest to me, by Universe and by choice. My daughter is a love of my life, but you know that children are entirely different coins because, they are part of us.

I like M. I like that I can tell him stories of you, and he gets it. He makes me feel connected to you. Perhaps because in dealing with him, I am dealing with the other side of your trauma. You SO weren’t alone. Your family is as bad as my family babe. And you know what? As much as you believed in life that exposure to them would make me question you, or dislike you…that will never be the case. I understand more than ever why you were so tough and “Fuck You” determined to do it all your god-damned self. Because unless they were controlling who you could be, you could blow in the wind for all they cared. I wish I would have understood this cluster fuck before you had a stroke.

I remember, sitting with you for the last time. Envelope in hand. On it was written every last thing I wanted to make sure I told you. I went down it, bullet point by bullet point. I read you the text from your Ex. I asked you to forgive me for some of the things I was going to have to do, like try and get the kids to have a relationship with him again. I told you I was leaving the next day, and these were our last moments together. I told you how much I loved you and that we had done our tag line “Sick n Sin”, proud. I leaned over, and kissed your lips and though you never opened your eyes that night, your lips lightly flexed and returned my kiss.

Perhaps when I can write these things and not sit here and cry, I will be “better”?

I miss you

SnS

eyes

M seems to understand who I was to you

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About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on April 11, 2015, in grief, Love and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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