Things Got Sticky (whatchya gonna do?)
Posted by iwentcrazy
Yep, so I pretty much heard the Universe say to me today, “This is your chance to prove you can stay, stick it out, stand your ground, and get it right iwentcrazy.” I look up and see him at his iPad. My heart just melts. I was awake last night, after a colossal migraine from my repeated melt-downs yesterday. I listened to him sleep and scratch. I could see his arm raise in silhouette and his hand scratch, softly, slowly, quietly. Then his arm slowly, lightly and gently lowered back to cuddle himself. My heart just melted. I don’t think I would have freaked out so bad the day after screaming in my car, except, when he left that day, he text at 5:30 saying he would grab himself some Epsom and half and half on the way home. I woke at 4:00 Sunday morning and he wasn’t home. Never. Ever. Not. Once. Ever. in the existence of peas and carrots (us) has he ever not come home or not slept with me. At first I thought he was just angry at me and needed to get out and blow some steam. But then I thought, something happened. It had been raining heavily, he was on his bike. Perhaps he’s been hit, or is laying in a ditch and no one can see him. It was a sudden full-blown panic. Mel died. Anyone can die then. I stayed calm as I drove into town to work with a friend. I just kept thinking (for 40 miles) As soon as I get there, I’ll check the local jail registry. Perhaps he was arrested. That would explain the no call to say I am alright. I arrived, checked, and no Mr. Yummy on the jail registry. I went to mom’s to run an errand before working. Called all the local hospitals. Had a TOTAL melt down about both Mel and Mr. Yummy. My mother asked me for a second time, to hurry and get help. I left to go work, met my friend. He asked me if I wanted any tea. I shook my head. He asked how my mom was? I shook my head and my lip quivered. He asked how I was and then, the Melissa flood gates opened. He looked at me and said, “Wow, you need some help. Find a support group.” He then asked questions and I continued to fall apart. Each thing I put on the talking table, he just said, “You need help and support.” He continued to draw it out of me, not that I needed ANY prodding at that point. Part way through he mentioned when his Mel committed suicide. It hit me like a ton of bricks…He knows what I am going through. The moment of having someone fucking understand was almost peace inducing. Again he said that I needed a support group. His little network of close neighbors had been his after his Mel killed herself, because they were all friends. He told me that since I sat there at her side, watched, saw, and heard so much, then had her die two days after I left (as opposed to before I left) was brutal and I probably needed a lot of help (I actually laughed as I wrote that). His understanding of my reality was really beautiful and probably kept me a little saner yesterday than I was earlier in the day. It also helped that Mr. Yummy text me between mom’s house and my friend’s place saying that he was OK, just got too drunk to drive home in the deluge of rain. I took such a big breath of absolute relief. Then I cried. I’m still sad that he didn’t let me know he couldn’t make it home. Common courtesy, not nagging girlfriend control. He’s never so much as even said I am his girlfriend, even though I am living with him and sleeping in his bed. I don’t feel like I have a right to say anything to him, because I don’t really know that he wants to me to give a shit. Does that make sense? I don’t want some guy I’m not committed to, or even that I am committed to, calling MY shots. I know he has lived with his bike and the road for a long time. I know he was probably upset about the whole parasite thing. Hell, I am upset, that is what sent me off to the store, where I wound up screaming in my car. Regardless, today, I clearly heard the Universe say this was my chance to stay, not run, tough it out, do the work, and take control of my creating again.
Have I absolutely gone crazy?
Being that I totally believe in creation and my co-creating with Universe and that there is that perfect circle, and we all are in it, but one with it…I would have to believe I created what happened to Mel, and I wouldn’t. I love(d) her. I want her back, even though I don’t fucking want to see her and am raging at her… If I could see her again, I would throw the above can of jalapeno chili peppers I took from her kitchen. I know, weird thing to take to remember her by huh? There’s a reason. Any way. I believe that we are one, that I am Mel and Mel is me and you are me and we are one together (coo-coo-kah-choo). But, I can’t crawl that deep into this rabbit home now. That will keep me perpetuating this instead of finding my god damned mother fucking peace with it. So, things just got sticky, whatchya gonna do?.
About iwentcrazyI am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.
Posted on March 23, 2015, in Crazy, Death, Honey Bee, Life, Love, Me, Rabbit Hole, Relationships, Source, Universe, Yummy and tagged Fuck you I am not quitting, Life after Mel, Melt-down, Mental health, Recovery, Staying, Surviving, Universe. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.