Emotional Am I
I’ve been so angry the last week or so. I don’t like being angry at her and I know it is part of the natural process, but it is the fact that I have to go through it and process it before I can say and feel, “I am not angry and have forgiveness for all that has happened.”
I also realized that I need to get back to the path I was on. This thing with my skin, is all part of this trauma. I have all these little red bumps that itch, and I scratch, then they get really dry. They are EVERYWHERE. It’s horrible.
I have tried no sugar in my coffee, along with reading labels and cutting down on sugar you don’t even know you are eating. Apple cider vinegar on my skin (with the mother in it) as well as taking a few shots. I”m on a 21 day cleanse now, and taking Zyrtec to block the histamine. I take it at night, so at least I am sleeping well. Like a LOG. No waking up crying here. The desire to give in and scratch is maddening. I may need to take an Epsom salt bath. Those seem to help. I believe once I am “at peace” with Melissa’s death, it will stop. I really think this is because I am not at the point of being accepting and at peace with what happened. I think I probably have a raging case of PTSD.
A week or so ago, Mr. Yummy brought up a name. Karrie. Crazy Karrie with a K, to be more specific. She texts him a fair amount. I don’t want another Shan. I can’t do that, it would break my heart beyond belief and I believe after Melissa, he is the only one capable of doing such a thing. I must have this relationship with Sean, on my own. No Mel to run to when I panic. He told me he tried dating her, but that it wasn’t happening. She asked him to go to her church with him, he asked her why he would do that because he is an atheist. She cried. He said he didn’t sex her, so I am assuming she just has a crush on him, because, well, he is Mr. Yummy. But he’s got me living with him, and I sleep in his bed every night, so I am trying to relax and not make something out of nothing.
I do know him and he does know me. We each know that the other didn’t go into any of this lightly. It may have taken us five months to start sleeping together, but we both knew once we took that step, we were in it. I didn’t expect to be living with him so soon. I had hoped we would date a while, and then eventually he would ask me to move in. I want to be able to relax and not have the death of Melissa hanging over everything.
I really wish I could just say, “OK, I’m done being mad”, and put it away, but this is something I can’t fake because I feel it so deeply in my soul. She wasn’t my lover, but she was my best friend. She was my confidante. She was the keeper of all my secrets. She was my soul-mate and I feel like no one gets that, or how devastating this loss has been. Part of me is missing and she’s never coming back. I just have been trying to swallow that, and though I know it to be true…my heart is broken in a way I have never known.
The anger comes, from feeling like her death has blocked me.
I don’t want to be blocked.